I know

I was re reading the old posts and it is so repetitive. It's OK, but dood! WTF is going on with me is right....so I will try and move the rock up the hill one more time ;-) All of this makes me wonder if my internal voice is really that negative? That would also suck...so here we go on all the news with a postitive spin.

I was reading x's myspace and email...not sure how to spin that positively. It seems he has a 24 yr old gf who seems to have a son maybe 3 or 4. I only saw dirty pix between them, no date talk or anything. I am kind of happy for him, because that's a stabalizer and could improve his quality of life and therefore the kids... It always makes me feel a little wierd that someone can love him, and I'm alone, but I don't really feel jealous, just like it wasn't supposed to happen like this.

I am at work waiting for Tamales then going to the grocery store, home, then dr, then dinner w Tets and Takemura and Ethan....Let's see what elese can I take on with a new attitude?
Working out, went to the gym this am with the trainer, didn't go to spin today, could have, but thought I would have gone to get the groceries by now, but the tamales are holding me up. Thought about the food thing a lot, going to see a nutritionist at the begining of next month and maybe that will be a good re start.

Work is back to the feeling of uncertainty. It got a little better, but there is too little communication from the top down. Hopefully I can chill over the next few days. I have to cook tomorrow and finish wrapping gifts! I'll cash in my christmas miracle on getting that all done.

Let's see...dating. I have an interesting prospect from Match, a boston transplant of only 8 months, he sounds cute on the phone, and is funny, giving me a run for it. There's another one who is putting me through the worlds longest interview process, I should have dropped it, but might be interesting to see where it goes. Kinda flirty with a guy at the gym this AM, or I could've been totally wrong and he was smiling cause my stretch marks where showing or he can tell I am trying really hard not to fart ;-) We'll see if I can weazle some sessions at the same date time.

So in addition to reading x's personal correspondence I regularly check scg's facebook. No comments once he commented on a video of Bella I posted, and I replied with a thanks. It's wierd I used to look at the pics and think he was SCG and now I just feel...a little mad, a little dissapointed in him as a person, not towards me but in terms of human potential he is lacking in an important area. IDK-- I care so much less than before, but part of me wants to win, not for any particular reason, except that winning is winning.

Umm OK that's all. The good news is, I am not mad or making the food thing a negative reinforcement party. I have been excercising regularly. I am out and about with little drama or serious effort. So more positive posts to follow....oh yeah..I am kind of wishing I had an audience. It would keep it from being so boring!!

It's been a while

I am not sure why I haven't posted, and right now might not be the best time. I have a crazy headache from Bella's dance recital (I know I am a bad mom for cursing it, but so be it). Tomorrow is Keith's birthday, 14!!! So crazy. I basically feel like I am the same person now as I was at 14, I wonder if he will be. It was really hard to grasp for a while, 14 is also when my mom had me go live w Nan so she could grow pot in my bed room. I look at Keith and see he's not done, he's not ready, he's not raised, there is so much love to share and work to do and it made me incredibly sad that some one could do that to me. It was already way f'd up by then, but this is something tangible for me to have in perspective. I feel good I've already beat the standard, but it's tough to figure it out. I think about all I've read about forgiveness, but I haven't been able to actually do it. I can't forgive my mom. I work on forgiving myself and the x but there's a lot of walls around it. Also when the whole mom memories etc were around I was eating like a jerk, getting it a little under control now, but so tired of that up and down. Maybe I can't do it alone, I am not sure what to do next. Some how a really restrictive plan sounds like agood solution, which is strange. Like liquid or food provided diet...IDK. Thats under consideration in January, not making a decision now.

What else? No progress on sex. some progress on fun and stuff, been out and about more. Generally feeling OK, but somehow still the same. Is this is it? That's OK. I've had some really calm drives to work, mind not spining, not wanting, just chill. It's hard to express the half optimism half acceptance state. It's all good.

So tired now! it's only 8. No patience for little miss last 2 nights. Keith's gearing up to be a bit spoiled about his B day...we'll see how that goees tomorrow.

Still Here

Which is exactly where I've been for a long time. Thursday night home alone, went to gym, picked up take out, parked it on the couch. Part of me doesn't give a fuck, here I am, it's comfy, I'm tired, I'll go to bed early and sleep well. Part of me really wants to have sex in the near future and has zero prospects. What to do about that?

That's really the bottom line for me right now, I hardly even entertain the notion of finding someone mentally compatible, or lifestyle compatible, and interesting, and attractive. I'll just take the sex for now, fuck it. I'll work on it, but for Goodness Sake....can't this get resolved?

Kinda standing still

I am still all the things I was the other day. But I am also all the things I was before that. I guess this is the real thing. Watching some stupid movie, husband died, friends, new men blah blah blah. I feel sad I don't feel that way about anyone. I feel sad that someone never felt that for me, but only used me as a reflection of him. I feel sad that I still stay home on saturday nights and and drink alone. I love sleeping in my bed alone but honestly can't remember even a little what it's like to not be alone, to have someone touch me affectionately (besides a child). I feel like I am a better woman, person, parent than I was last year at this time. I feel like it's still crazy and not how I thought it would be, but I don't know now. Here I am....same place. I guess that has to be OK, that is the craziest part, why can't I make progress here, because I am not supposed to. I guess that's the lesson. I have to let go of this and just let it happen. I'm afraid if I am not actively pursuing something I won't ever have it. I am not sure that will ever happen to me. So that's it, Saturday night.

Today is good

Today is all about today and it's all good. I don't really give a fuck if I am where I was in Feb. I guess that's where i am supposed to be. I am thinking about forgiveness and it's necessity in every moment unceasingly and so I will forgive myself unceasingly. Went to gym this am...was good...went to movies with keith...was good...rained too much yesterday to ride my bike today, hopefully tomorrow it's on!

I think sometimes I think my optimism is naive or misguided or fake but just for right now it's not. I want to be lots of things better than I am now, but I am also pretty awesome as is. So I am embracing the optimism, the knowledge that I can and will, and it's out there. Sometimes I can't but for today I can and that is something to smile about and something to pray to replicate. I may not have all that I want, but I can work for anything, I can have what I've got and love it. I can be where I am and smile. Today is good.

Tomorrow I need strength and patience. Dinner with Mom and X-double trouble-also scg's bday...I am thinking no nothing on that, no FB, no email...I will have strength and patience and if I struggle that's OK too, I will forgive myself and others unceasingly tomorrow.

Keith went to mongolian bbq and loved it. He's such a good boy!!! Can't wait to eat there w him...so delicious.

Weird Day

Today is odd. Got some yucky stuff done at work, just stuff I've been procrastinating on, for no good reason of course. No one's really here, all my peeps are on Vacation. Chilling in the office and Ev comes in and says she needs my help. She's drunk! No shame in drunk at work (ok a little, but who am I to judge). But she's supposed to be off the wagon, like the real deal off. So I took her to Starbucks, listened, tried, way above my pay scale or area of expertise. Ended up spilling my guts to her about EZ...just in the regard of we're all f'd up, people do things they regret, that have bad consequences etc etc etc. I offered to go to a meeting w her tonight but she said she's going to go work out. Dude, I did my best. I hope I didn't hurt anything.

What else...Keith is being a total spoiled shit about walking home from school F that guy. Saying the worst things about Bella and to me. Not going to stand for it.

Wasted most of the day away, not much to show for it or say. Oh yeah, I did work out this AM so that's good....tomorrow spin, maybe trainer again. Wednesday I am hoping it doesnt rain so I can ride my bike all day but we'll see.

I don't know.

Today and last night I am not so good. I knew I'd get frustrated after all the solo kid time, and so I am. Frustrated about a lot of things. Not sure why things are the way they are. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was last Feb. January was a lot of activity...x out of the house, training, early Feb was good too, sex we strangers, bike ride. And here I am. I really feel like crying. I am happier now, I try to think about the way it would be if x was still here, it would be so bad, so frustrating, so full of self abuse. What did I really think it was going to be like? I wish Stevie Nicks would have told me that I had to do it, but it was going to be really hard, harder than I thought for as long as I can imagine. That's what it seems like. I guess it's OK. I wish I could make a plan and work the plan to make things different. I feel like I've been trying to do that but with no clear course and no results. I am trying to be open to optimism where I can find it. I went to breakfast with Evelyn yesterday and was telling her that I am working out twice a day a few days a week, her comment was nice and optimistic, "When else will you have the opportunity to to that? It's a special time" I think that's true. I also have to get eating under control for some more results. I'm trying to think of other things I've accomplished...I am not so dependent on Tets, that's good. I've been full court press on Keith and it's working, that's good. IDK....I need something else, then the Buddhist in me says the lesson is not to need but to have what I have fully. I just don't know.

Not Sure

I am not sure what happened to the post I just wrote, but it's gone. I am going to Lucida Williams tonight with Marie. I hope it's fun. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't really pay attention to me or get some of the stuff I am saying. She has a different filter. But then sometimes it's awesome like in Vegas. Nan is out of town so LeAnn is watching Bella and Keith is probably roaming the streets, according to him of course he'll be well supervised at so and so's house. His grades are good now and we are talking and spending lots of time together so I am not so worried.

Did I mention the guy who read the blog from the singapore office found me on facebook? Funny emails, he's going to Tokyo (married w kids btw).

I went to spin yesterday and it was awesome. Meleah was in a frustrated mood to so she made it all get sweated out.

About a week ago I emailed scg, I knew I would even though I didn't want to. He replied yesterday and the reply was fair to good. It made a lot of the frustration come back. It made me sad. I'm glad there's no bad blood but I have to be careful.I re friended him on facebook. I don't want to get all sucked back in. Dennis and I got in a huge fight about it. I am just about done.I am not sure how I got him in the divorce but he is so incredibly insensitve and when his needs are being met it gets worse. It's hard to discuss with him because it just sounds like sour grapes and maybe it is. How'd he get a girlfriend? He's a dick. I guess lots of girls like dicks (I mean assholes).

I went on a date the other night with someone from Match...he showed up, that was good. He was nice. He's a bit older which alone is not an issue, he wore too much cologne, which alone is not an issue, he likes jimmy buffett which alone is not an issue. I guess you see where I'm going with this. All summed up it's a bit of an issue. I'm not sure how to go about meeting someone else. I have to try the bike rides...I'll have to ask Nan to help me out a few Saturday mornings. I know she'll say yes, which is why I don't even like to ask. That's it.

I have been going to the gym like crazy and also eating like an idiot, which is a negative combination. I honestly don't feel full/satisfied (I realize they are 2 different things) and so I over eat. I was really trying to focus on why, emotionally there is always a connection weather I want their to be or not, but didn't really connect to anything. So I went to the gym this AM and was with the trainer who is very corrective of form and it makes me frustrated. I am trying always, I am putting so much time into it, I like praise not criticism (imagine that). And it hit me that I am generally frustrated. Things did not turn out the way I wanted them to with scg, with working out non stop, with work at the present moment, with my launch into the new life. It's all a little frustrating and all of it is happening now. So that is probably why I am eating too much....food isn't frustrating. It's good and feels good until you figure out the math on the working out vs calories in. Then there is one more point of frustration. I think it's good to connect it, I've never really been able to stop or correct the behavior, but we'll see it's all new, lots of new chances.

Some stuff

Has happened since the last post, so that's good. Still looking to bury the details of that BS. Went out with a meet up group of girls on Sat. night...drinks/appetizers and more drinks at a 2nd location. Very NB, and seems unlikely that I'll meet the right guy for me in a bar, but totally could've been so much worse. Girls were nice, easy to talk to, I'd do it again, not as a every week, but once a month for sure.

Still working out like crazy, but not loosing weight, eating randomly, but weighing myself today kinda set me straight. Need to buy lots of fruits and veggies and stick to bringing my lunch.


I guess I thought there was more to say. Some interesting facebook stuff...Old friends with nice things to say. The random coworker who read the blog...always makes me blush thinking of that. I'm trying to call Chris once a week or so....just to stay in touch, alway a laugh, always super sweet.

Date tonight with Match guy. Either you never know, or you can never have enough rejection in your life. Whatever.

There was some other stuff with X and Keith, but it's more of the same. Sad. Makes me focused on staying connected to Keith, spending time with him. He and I went to dinner alone last night, Target, School, this morning too. It was nice. He's a good boy, good heart. Grades are mixed but comming up. Hopefully I can pull of getting this kid into college. That's what it's all about.

hey

Not a lot going on. Still not going to read the old posts. I'm trying to wait up for good TV to start at 9, so wasting time on facebook etc. I have a hard time understanding how I dont get a call or a message or how I am possibly (uncertain) deleted from chat (not that I didn't do the same things) but what did I do wrong? I understand if he's not ready for anything, I get that he's not the right person for me. 100% get that, but still is hard to resolve the other stuff. What did I do? I was me...I was open...I was kind...I didn't drive it alone. So I have to figure out what's what on that...what I can learn, what I can improve, and what I just have to accept. Lots of gym...twice today, Monday AM, Tuesday, tomorrow afternoon. All good stuff. We're about to start training for the Feb Century, I can't believe a year ago we started training for the other one. I really hope there are marked improvements in my times and general feeling. Tets needs a bike!!! Trying some meet up groups to make new female friends so we'll see how that goes, supposed to go to drinks on Sat. Seems a little desperate housewives, but I gotta get out and give it a shot.

Just Because

I think I am posting just because I don't want to see the last few when I log in. Went to dinner with Tets at Shabu and waited a long time, but totally worth it. Nice to be somewhere comfortable with someone comfortable. Didn't talk about any of the other stuff, so that's good. Trying to really fake it then make it, fake letting joy in, fake optimisim, so I can remember what it feels like in the event of something worthy taking place.

Keith and Bella with their dad. Keith txting immediately about his dad taking bella's side. Hard stuff. Tomorrow early Gym, then work, back at it. I can see that I am not making a plan, working a plan to distract me from what's really happening. I think that's good.

WCS Hangover

It still stings, no call, no show, no email, no sms. I sent him one that said...I guess you decided not to come I wish you and kate all the best. No reply. I want to write a strongly worded letter. I want to lash out. I am not sure I have experienced intentional negligence and hurt like this. The idiots from the internet but there was no investment. I feel crazy like I imagined it or made it up and then I feel so misled because I didn't. It's easy enough to fuck and run, either one of could've done that, but he didn't. He said a lot of things about being in the middle of the divorce, being concerned with the distance, basically not ready, can't do it. But also siad he was and wanted to, I'm not sure what vibe I give off, Committment? In a way that's not bad, I don't want to really fuck around or be in something that is without potential...but on the other hand there seems to be miles to go before that. It's not easy to be avaialble and optimistic and willing and to have that treated unkindly seems so incongruous with a guy who's a good dad and by many accounts a great guy (not mine). I want to write a strongly worded email to that effect, but what's the point? Aplogies and any additional communication just masks the reality of it. I am still struggling with why I did that more than once. Also I hadn't met anyone with similar interests who showed interest in me and had mutual attraction. I met him 4 months ago, and in that 4 months no additional prospects...now what? back to internet? Just being lonely? lots of sunday nights at the movies alone? That makes me really really really sad. So I am going home....warm bed, kids, and radio silence.

ummm ya...WCS PII

Didn't show. I just really feel sad, I want someone to feel this with me, it's so fucked. I don't know if it's better or worse that Ethans here. With Tets I'd unload every detail, which is not so good, but with ethan I dont. I hate that he would talk to me on the phone for 2 hrs last night, I hate that he didn't call just no show. I hate that this is not the first time and I didn't protect myself from it. I guess thats the bottom line. I feel like life is getting lonlier and it should go the other way. WTF am I going to talk to ethan about through another meal alone? so f'd

IDK

I don't really get my last post. Whatevs. Election Day! I wasn't going to look up the stats, and I started too and now it's making me a little crazy. Went and saw Stevie Nicks today which was good, lots of kindness around scg and lots of great advice about Keith and x. So trying not to get wound up about scg and NY, doing OK. Just struggling a bit with reduced expecations (which I have) but also with potential. So we'll see. Lots to do in NY with our with out, work, food, shopping, Ethan will be there so won't have to die alone.

Sunday Part II

I decided to go to Yoga after x picked up little miss...I got there in time and it was cancelled :( a bit like going to the emergency room and getting refused. I went to the movies which isn't hard but I didn't want to. I don't want to see romantic comedies right now, I don't want to be alone always. I have to plan better for Sunday nights.

Came out of the movies and had a great message from Chris which really feels like home. Someone who knew before and after and gets it and is amazing on his own. I will call him tomorrow, it was late for him already. Great txt from keith too, I see the world is here for me, and it's opening up, I have to open up too....unwind what ever expectations are there so I can have what I don't expect. what I am not expecting could be more.

Sunday....home, tired, sleepy eyes. I was out late last night for the reunion and then Shelagh, Angelica and Chris over here for a while. time change makes the whole day seem so lazy and long. Bella's playing with play doh, Keith went to stay overnight at a friends. Bella will go to her dads soon. I guess I'll do the usual and see a movie. thought of asking someone, Ethan or Tets, but I may just want to go to bed early. But then I'll be up early, then I'll be tired all day. I need to break the cycle! Thinking about scg in New York on Wednesday....we'll see. I don't feel anxious about it now, but feel a little sad already. Like I'm disapointing myself by thinking about it. Maybe it will work out, if it doesn't I totally get it and that's that. If it does work out, then the work begins for me on me. I'm ready for that. Either way.

I can see!

Lasiks worked! The whole procedure was a bit weird, didn't love the logistics of the place, I've got a lot of bruising which looks like blood on the whites of my eyes, but my vision is good and today especially my eyes feel fine. Yesterday I felt like I needed the drops often, but today less so. Yesterday also my near vision wasn't so good, but improved through out the day and today seems no different than with contacts. Crazy. Hard to believe I'm not wearing glasses or contacts any more. Today is the HS reunion. I am so absolutely over the moon about seeing Chris....I am sure it will be fun, I don't think I've been out for pure fun with Shelagh since HS...always at home or w kids. What else? X told me about a fight he and Keith had, keith is totally tuned into the fact that he cares about himself...and keith's decided x is a dick so is forcing him into acting like that and it's working. Made me super sad, didn't sleep so well thinking about it. My heart just swells and aches for Keith. I can steer him, but not sure how open/honest to be with him about my opinion's of his dad. Nan was saying she had to give me the real deal on my mom, and that helped but I was a few years older. Anyway that's today. Keith's off restriction, gotta give him a little room, but not enough to get in more trouble.

Whatevs

I'm at work...can't you tell be the extensive work I am doing right now. Yesterday I went to spin which was awesome, great, chills, happiness, and then to the trainer in the evening, which was just hard. I had killed it at Spin and didn't have much left, but needed to go because Thursday is Lasiks which means no work out.

What else? Not a lot...the whole lonely vibe is still lingering, I have a whole lot of nothing going on. After some of this upcoming travel I need to try and get out more locally just for social reasons. No nothing from scg for a few days. No big woop, but a clear reminder I have a whole lot of nothing going on socially. Also I think my love affair with spin comes from all pent up sexual energy. Not sure what will happen with New York, betting he doesn't show. Whatever.

Leaving work early to take little miss to dance, she gets to wear her costume which will be fun. Tomorrow Lasiks.

IDK

I guess sometimes are hard and that's OK. I am not sure what's gotten into me tonight. Going to the movies alone isn't so bad, but also isn't the best. Kids were making me a bit crazy today. X did something nice for me which seems crazy, gave me a CD that he had at work that he thought I'd like, and I do. I have never ever doubted my decision, and I am not now either, but it's kinda of weird to have him be the person doing something nice. It's hard when there's no one calling all day to say hey. I don't want to wallow, I want to "return to myself/I am safe". I want to forgive myself for craving and not being exactly where I am, but it's not that easy sometimes. I feel like I have been doing great, genuinely, but maybe it's just a release valve. I am not so much struggling for a man/mate/match, but just struggling a little. I guess I'm entitled, I just don't really like it all that much. Thank God for the bike, better than Prozac or therapy...thank goodness for movies, and food, and my freedom. I am very grateful for my freedom in so many ways, thought, actions, time, it's more than I knew was out there. So I guess I'll go to sleep....tomorrow trainer! and another day to start over (especially on eating....first day of the rest of my life).

Not a lot is going on w me

Just chilling at home this AM....kids kids kids. This is Keith's last restricted weekend, he did well yesterday, cleaned his room, got his act together. It's too much to have them both home all the time, I always end up yelling at someone. Little miss lost another tooth last night. I had Tets Ethan and Mac over and we made all the noodles I brought home from Japan. It was good. I ate too much. I gotta get that under control ASAP. No need paying for the trainer if I'm eating like a jerk. I am getting Lasiks on Thursday! OMG-No more glasses or contacts! No more contacts+toothpaste business trips. I have really been enjoying the weekends at home, just doing what I want is pretty cool. Keith told me his dad was talking to him about the divorce and went off on how he hated my friends, and I didn't invite him to do stuff, and didn't do stuff with him and his friends. I told keith he was right, but if you knew someone hated your friends would you want to invite them to do stuff? would you start to think that he hated you too...if you liked your friends and they like you? Keith was fine, but a little disconcerting that x would bring up such biased comments. I've got that stuff on lock down.

any way pretty much all is well...might go to the movies alone tonight, might go to yoga. I think it will be too dark to ride my bike by the time the kids are both gone. I could go to gym then movies...that's the plan.

Since You Asked...

I loved today's column...here it is from www.salon.com

I'm back. It is a beautiful morning. A mockingbird is singing.

Dear Cary,

I am a 35-year-old woman who has consistently avoided serious relationships. Few relationships with men felt "right" or worth the effort, and those that did somehow ended in disappointment.

I have been dating a guy for about 10 months, and until recently, I was not taking our relationship very seriously (I am about to move), but he has been ramping up the pressure. We have fun together, but as with earlier boyfriends, he doesn't really feel like home to me. Previously, I have tried to defer the issue with him, but this weekend I began to think seriously about making a commitment to him -- and I got really depressed. Here's my question -- should I move forward with him and expect the depression to fade with the fabled wonders of coupledom, or should I repeat my previous pattern and flee quickly?

As an aside, I am currently in a difficult place, professionally (finishing a dissertation, job hunting), and am reluctant to take on something that will tax my frayed emotional reserves.

Thank you,

Clinging to Spinsterhood

Dear Clinging,

What if I said that it's fine to date around a little bit when you're young, but by age 35 you'd better settle for whatever man you can find? What if I said, All women eventually must become wives and mothers, so what are you waiting for?

What if a friend of yours said, "Well, the thought of committing to this guy made me feel depressed, but I did it anyway because, hey, maybe coupledom will make me happy"?

You'd be outraged, no?

Is being single nothing more than a dismal holding pattern women occupy prior to being rescued by a man's devotion? Is it every man's duty, when he has been dating a woman for a number of months, to begin "ramping up the pressure" to ensure her swift betrothal?

Imagine being an independent, self-sufficient woman with a number of relationships whose intensity and duration are negotiated according to the shifting needs and circumstances of the individuals involved. What's wrong with that kind of life?

It sounds like a good kind of life to me. It sounds like the life of a single woman.

So I suggest that you declare yourself unabashedly, consciously, deliberately single. Not single until the right man comes along. Not single as a regrettable consequence of a series of failed relationships. Not single as in poor lonesome spinster who can't land a man. Single as in free, self-sufficient, independent, committed to growth, happy and OK with who I am. Single as in maybe I'm free tonight and maybe I'm not. Single as in I control my own time. Single as in I have choices. Single as in I like you a lot and I will try to meet you halfway but this is my bed and I have to be somewhere in the morning.

Here is something about the post-feminist world to consider. Women's gains in the 1970s and 1980s came through personal struggle. Women worked individually and in groups to untangle the mess of unspoken assumptions governing their daily lives. It was difficult, sometimes heartbreaking work. It came between women and the men they loved. It disrupted family lives and work lives. It was personal, messy and dirty. Only after this work was done was it possible to change laws and institutions.

Men also worked hard to change how they treated women. It was not easy. It was like learning how to walk again.

Out of this hard work came new assumptions and new laws. But it didn't wipe out sexism. It didn't change how families raise children or what we learn from our parents and grandparents or how we can manipulate each other's desires and fears to get what we want.

Consider this analogy. Psychotherapy has changed many individuals. But your mother's psychotherapy will not protect you from life's struggles any more than your mother's feminism will inoculate you against the difficulties of negotiating your freedom as a woman. You have to consciously seize that freedom just as women before you had to. It is still necessary for individuals to find their own truths and uncover their own biases and hidden agendas.

In your current and past relationships, when you reached a point of conflict, rather than negotiate or compromise, you fled. I don't think in this instance you need to capitulate or flee. You can negotiate. You can declare yourself a free, single woman. You can say you like things just the way they are and wish to continue as they are.

He may not want you on those terms. That is his choice. But the idea that "coupledom" will somehow make all these difficult choices disappear is nothing but wishful thinking.

Declare yourself single!

Good

Totally gratuitous MadMen photo...I love them both.

Today was fine....feeling old habits trying to resurface and will just have to accept that, and stay aware of it. Stupid stuff, grasping, craving, all part of the human condition, but not helping me right now. Went to spin with Tets and it was , haven't been to one of Maleah's classes since she went to her event, so great to see her, great to have Tets there, made the energy really good, came back to work happy, relaxed. Picked up kids and ate, home and they were well behaved...thank goodness, cause last night sucked. Im'd w SCG today which was nice, covered some other stuff, like WTF seeing each other, but we'll see if he shows in NY.

Went to see Stevie Nicks and she was awesome, I hadn't seen her since the whole TX and weekend after cluster fuck. She was OK with me still communicating with him, with caution obviously. I hadn't been in so long, I needed to get all of that out with her. I also need to save some stuff for her instead of dragging everyone into it...next time.

PS my labels are so depressing. can't keep using them.

Comfortable Grateful and Happy

This has been a really great weekend and I am grateful. I needed it, I saw it happening, I enjoyed it. It happened. I went to dinner with the SHS girls on Friday night which was super fun, they were all so happy to hang out, and connect and it was really super sweet. Made me happy. Saturday went to gym and brunch w Ev which also mad me happy, a little shopping with the kids. Bella's going to be Dorothy for Halloween. Saturday night home with kids, ate what I wanted to eat, drank what I wanted to drink, kids at home with me, watched a movie with Keith. Today Bella had a Bday party Keith and I dropped her off and then walked around Fashion Island, he wanted to take a drive through my old neighborhood so we did...then took him to his dads (he's hating that), picked up Bella took her to her Dads, hopped on the bike for an hour an a half, showered, dinner with Tets,FNG, Dennis and Tiff....now home. I almost forgot the very best part!!!! Emails and phone call with Chrish Chavoya (who is now Ondine Chavoya-FYI) So amazing and fabulous to talk to him, my first BF, my first gay best friend...so many crazy memories and so special to reconnect. He's going to the renunion in a few weeks and I am going with Shelagh. I already warned him I will be monopolizing his time. I cannot wait to give him a giant hug and kiss....so off to bed...trainer in the AM then work. Very very very extremly grateful to be right here right now and know it. Felt it since Saturday afternoon and was so happy for all the little things I've been working on these last few weeks to be able to be where I am and not anywhere else.

Sleeeeepy Sleeeepy Sleeeeepy

Just got home from airport, went for a quick bike ride and now trying to stay awake. I'm going to pick up Bella from school in about an hour, then just try and stay awake until 9 pm. It's going to be a long day. Everything wrapped up fine on the trip, I have to go into work for a little bit tomorrow then some how meeting up with 5 girls from HS....hard to believe. One of them I didn't know very well but the others I did. I'm sleepy and hungry and I need a shower.

maybe I'm on an up swing...the japan stuff went better than expected today, that's a relief. I have been reading and re reading this book on the best Buddhist writings of 2008 and it makes me try and change from the inside which is what it's all about. Reading that what ever pain I'm in is something I caused someone some other time, not in a guilty way, but in a way that says, experience this pain and act carefully not to create it for someone else. Also a lot about craving and grasping, holding on to what isn't there, and I have been trying to experience my thoughts more carefully, meditatively, and seeing how far ahead I am and how that prevents me from being here now...and being anywhere I am really. Also forgiveness, forgiving myself for the pain I have caused my self and others, and isolating the actions of others that I should forgive. I think there is a lot there about the x, forgiving myself for how it was, forgiving myself.forgiving myself. It seems like that is along way off, but rings very true. I do feel like I love myself for the first time in my life, when all the other confusion or pain is on my mind that is a great surprise, a feeling I didn't know before. So not to get all metaphysical, but going back to the simple stuff I know works and is true is a benefit to the experiences I've had over the last few weeks. Beach with kids, books, Buddha, clearing my head, hanging out w Keith, sleeping with Bella when she was sick. Little bits of magic.

im'd with scg for a while this morning (he found me). Daughter is fine, but they are all a bit shaken up still. Tried to be big about it, glad he was able to get the call in time to go to her, vs. when he landed. That is all true. He apologized and we talked a little about why Tets was mad at me, and just chat. Going to remember that IM isn't real communication, and told him my lesson was not to make plans...sometimes things have to happen because they are supposed to not because you make them happen. Working hard to see that going over and over all of it is not helping me experience anything new.

I am not very good at lying around doing nothing, which is basically what's been happening today. I took the bikes back, which costs me $100 bucks. Can't ask Tets for the $ and can't see asking scg either. So that's a the price of what I needed to learn. I am still just achy over this whole thing. Did I make this whole thing up? did I make it all happen? Why am I in such a fucking slump right now? No calls, no emails, no nothing obvioulsy. Oh yeah...I hate facebook, like I wanna see his face and what he thinks right now? I kinda do but only if it's about feeling bad. I want a grand gesture, a big effort, but not gonna happen. I don't want to be a scum and not ask about his daughter, but I have already put to much into it, and that will open the door for me to do more of that. I really don't want to go to Japan tomorrow. This trip has shitty written all over it....I'm just gonna dive in and try and get through it.

Went for long bike ride by myself this morning, and stopped for coffee w Tets on the way home. That was tougher than I thought, the first half of the conversation was good, but then he told me he thought I was childish to cancel the ride and bbq today. I was surprised, because it was his idea to cancel all of it over the weekend, and he's leaving for Japan tomorrow and has all kinds of crap to do today. That made me feel bad. I am unaware when I upset him and it sticks when he says it. So I'm home now talked to scg...need new acronym because that's not gonna work anymore, and it was totally and completely awkward. Obviously he's staying home with his daughter, but there was an opportunity there to say something and he didn't, which he hasn't before either, so whatever. I wish I didn't call him back because now I'm stuck with that feeling too.

I am right back where I started. like Radiohead...15 steps. I guess this is where I need to be, I haven't figured something out yet. It is just lonely. that's all really. I don't want to stay home and watch tv forever, I want some one to care about and someone to care about me. I'm totally OK with it not being this guy, I am too big and have to much to offer for anything less than my vision, but it's far away. It's not visible from here, and being sad and lonely is not anywhere I want to be. UGGG.

Also work fucking sucks. I am not sure I've ever been at the bottom of the cycle like this before. Even when x was here work was good. I need to be humble, I need to accept that this is where I am supposed to be.

guess what? It gets worse

It does. He called from the airport today and was on his way here...got a call that his daughter was in a car accident. Left the airport for the hospital. She's OK, concussion, but OK. And he's not on his way, which sounds selfish and lame and despicable, but in all my years I did not believe the universe was conspiring against me but today I do. I just am so sad that someone somewhere believes I have to experience this. I guess I do and I am and what next...who am I next time...hard, closed, aftraid. sad. It feels really lonely, very solitary, very disconnected.

still shitty

so I'm devaluing myself by the minute and somehow accepting the IDK about the other girl...so back in my room and a message from 2 hrs ago to call him...call straight to vm....im...not available.

WTF

Shitty

Still shitty...im'd w scg today and let him know what I was thinking about this weekend, and he basically said he doesn't know what's going on w him and this other girl...I don't even want to say anything else

I really don't want to document this

It's just a cluster fuck..SCG emailed me that night and apologized, said he lost is phone, left it in his drop bag or something...didn't notice until about 10 pm. Which means it didn't occur to him to call me for Oh I don't Know 8 hrs after he said he would..maybe 7. So I debated on weather or not to go to the event, Tets sat it out in protest and then I went. I made it for the run and the finish and saw him 3-4 times. At the finish he's obvioulsy a mess and exhausted, and we're chatting and a girl comes up that is with him. Really a wierd vibe. He's told me a few things about her and it just made me feel the same as I felt the day before. Like an idiot. So after about 10 min I walked the mile and half back to the car and left. I had an email from him last night, they are nice, but it just seems lame. Im disapointed. Not sure how to handle stuff next week. right now I am basically sitting in my room on the computer instead of going to our reception because I know he's online and wanted to give him the chance to im me...which is so wrong. I should insist on calls...and I should not give a fuck. yuck. fuck.

another candle lit meal

tets came and thank god for that. He is truly my base right now and for so long and I am so greatfull for the willingness...we went over and over all the shit with SCG and no call/no show and he was exactly the voice I needed. Don't go to tomorrow but let him explain and make it up. Really finally heard me say I am the shit and if another person doesnt see that then I'm out. Got email from SCG...lost phone, Im sorry, blah blah blah....not sure if I buy it but willing to consider it. not sure what to do in the AM but ever ever ever so greatfulll for Tets and his infinite patience with my humanity. He's role in my life has never been clearer and with out conflict. I only wish I drank enough tonight not to blog...

WCS

So about an hour after the aforementioned txt I got a reply that said he was in a race mtng would call soon...yep that was over 6 hrs ago. I txt'd a "?" and called (didn't leave a msg). No reply.

I Must Chill

Work has been shitty and crazy lately, I'm busy at home punishing Keith and generally trying to feed the machine...now I am in Austin and I'm supposed to SCG...im'd yesterday and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch or something...said yes...I'm here, called, no answer, vm full, sent txt...I have a terrible condition response to this situation.....waiting for a guy to do what I think should happen in the time frame I think is resonable. I know I am just avoiding rejection and taking myself immediately to WCS but is ruining my energy and my ability to be. be right now.be when the time is right.be.be.be. I am very anxious right now....trying to focus on some work, trying not to cry, thinking of a nap but that might make it worse. I have to make this stop.

Home!

I went to Vegas on Thursday for "work" and hung out with Ethan on Thursday which was totally fun, kind of surprised how much fun it was. Not in anyway except for friends. Then Marie joined and we went to dinner....and then ran into Mac and Mike and went drinking/dancing. It was fun...Marie and I snuck off and went to bed around 230...next day room service, work and massage...lunch....rest/work...bad terrible voicmail.

From a cop about keith and then keith saying he was in trouble. he stole a bike with a friend and the parents were talking to a cop about their kids missing bike and then see Keith and his friend on it. I can't even explain how sick the whole thing makes me. I yelled and screamed at him...sent his dad over to do the same thing. I don't even know what to do about any of it. I haven't spoken to the police yet so waiting to find out what will become of that before I bring down the hammer. It's so embarassing to me. I have a kid who steals? Who doesn't know right from wrong? Who the F is this kid? Really deaply disturbing. Totally at a loss for what to do that will work. I know what to do for punishment, but what will work? FUCK! HELP! I knew something would eventually happen when I was gone and it's just maddening that he would make this kind of decision while I was gone, let alone make it at all. More on that to come.

so that kinda made the last night in Vegas wierd. I had foo fighters tickets so that was super fun! Drank, sang, jumped around, people watched. Ate too much.

And now we come to the part of our post where I recount my recent communication with super cute guy. He is making me feel very warm and fuzzy inside. Been talking about lots of stuff. Next week at this time I'll be hanging out with him after his race! I feel like a grown up about some of it in new ways too. He's trying to get his daughter to the event and instead of feeling like a brat who can't get her way (sleeping with him) I think it's awesome and special and important. There's another girl who quit and works with him now and lives near him. I know they are close and nothings going between the two of them, but she's not too happily married (according tohim) and definitely very protective of him and if his daughter goes to the race she's bringing her. It seems like an opportunity just to be a part of something with him. then the next week he's going to visit me which makes me feel excited and happy and warm. all good stuff that I want more of :)

Good stuff

today I wasted valuable work time IM'ing w scg and it was awesome. Just awesome. Asked a lot of questions about something he said about falling for another woman while he was married. he had said he missed a chance to be happy. I wanted to know if he really thought that, and he was very open/honest. I told him I didn't want to scare him off like it was an interview or whatever. He said I couldnt scare him off...liked me, liked getting to know me....lovely lovely lovely. He did say he was worried about the distance, can be lonely, didn't want to prevent me from finding something here....which maybe what he thinks about me and effect on his life. But said I wasn't waisting my time, couldn't regret getting to know him. maybe not the most logical plan, but thats how great things happen...looking forward to seeing him again, and take it from there. best plan ever. so most of all so happy i'm not crazy. just warm and nice. he asked about me being faithfull and tets not in the same sentence but generally sees we're too close....so tried to put it in context.

Open Letter to Blogger and My Future Boyfriend

So know the old blog is back and available....so sad, which one do I prefer, which one is gayer? It's a big gay tie. I guess I'm just gonna link from new to old, but I can't imagine I'm the only one with this issue.

So to my future boyfriend, who ever you are, SCG or yet to be known, a few things I feel I need to get off my chest.
1. You should plan on calling me everyday, just hey, not a lot of time. Maybe every other day. Please know special circumstance will apply to each of us.
2. I have a lot to offer, please be willing to receive it.
3. Please have a lot to offer
4. Basically I want to give a fuck about someone, and I want to know that someone gives a fuck about me. Simple. Sound OK?
5. Please don't make me go >30 days with out sex. It's not good for anyone
6. I promise I will think you're awesome and tell you, could you please let me know the same? (see #1-simple call lets me know)
7. whatever

Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment. I always go back for more of the same. Today I was reading ex's myspace messages and found what I was looking for...him talking shit about me. I truly should not care, he's telling someone how I cheated and how I deserve the same life as my friends. In a seperate message he's talking about getting drunk at la cave (WTF?) and fucking all kinds of girls...not the same as cheating, but all the shit about the friends. Dude, you are doing what you hated me for. 98% of the time I don't even think about him, nor did I for the last year of the marriage, but everyone wants to be understood, and in this case I am not sure what I want. Nothing from him. I have lots of recognition that my truth is real from the outside world. I think sometimes of how did I get along with him for so long and how did the relationship move from one phase to the next? How did I make all of those decisions and live all of those years without learning anything that applies to the real world now. That part is crazy. It's been tough to find someone to talk about this stuff with...obviously Stevie Nicks is the right person, but there's a pattern there of I'm either a mess tell me I'm not, or Look I'm not a mess. It's hard to remember what comes up in between. I think part of believes that's what a relationship might offer, but really I am scared to death of telling someone with potential about this mess. I almost wish Ex could read all of this and know it's not all black and white, but in the 20 years it as only black and white. It all comes around to the fact that you can have a plan and work a plan, but it does not impact anyone but you... all my flipping out, all my struggeling is all mine, created by me, executed by me, witnessed by me. I've been here before, I wish I remembered the way out. Sheer will, distraction and maybe a little luck. I hope I haven't used all of mine.

I haven't heard from SCG since Tuesday which fucking sucks but it is so part of the aforementioned struggeling alone. I finally was able to explain it, it's not that he's the one, it's not "him" its the list of qualities vs. the list of prospects in the past. Facts (ie the plan) just tell me they can't be replicated, but I can't make it happen from just sheer will, he has to participate. Which is really interesting because I have always beleived that I made everything happen with ex work husband by sheer will, I forced it, he didn't actively particpate, he just failed to say no. Which is not true, I think I say that to prevent myself from feeling hurt that it didn't work, or that it may have been the real thing. Which I believed at the time, but don't now. We're both fine in different directions and when I see him there is the curiosity of How Did That Happen....how did we escape and survive. I hadn't really put that together before...He didn't fail to say no...he cared too and it still wouldn't have worked.

So what now? I really don't know, no clue. Currently shopping, drinking, exercising, working, blog fill some void, really just fill the hours, but I am doing my best. That I can say for sure. That has to be enough for me.

Hi my name is Marni andso

I write about the same thing all the time and can't seem to break the cycle. Yep that's me. I was not liking work today...just the old PFU crap, do these tasks, jump through this hoop because we said so in Japanese. I remember how that was, really I saw I don't take too much home with me too often, but today I am. And I have less tolerance for all of it, less bandwidth for crap like that at home. So I came home and poured a big glass of wine, and am chilling w the laptop and the little miss and the Suite Life of Z and C which is so sucky but I don't watch...soon bath time, then bed time (not soon enough). I still don't get why someone cannot pick up the phone and say hey, why can't someone give a fuck about me? Do I want too much attention? probably...would I be OK with less than what I want...probably. Am I getting any of anything...not so much. I'm gonna have to go back to the internet soon at this rate. I don't call, the group email strategy is tired I want what I want. Fuckity fuck fuck

Not enough hours in the day

I've got a lot to try and squeeze in today...work, haircut, spin, work. Not sure how to get it all done. I've got one more work thing I wanted to have done by now, but I need to shower and go, and I'm afraid my disorganization will make it take too long to find the base information to get it done. I went to dinner w Marie last night to a hotel with a beautiful roof top bar, a little sushi, a lot of sake, then I went to her place to see the puppy. Then home by 11. I went and saw Stevie Nicks yesterday which was helpfull...lot's about Keith and a little about work an SCG. She is very positive about that situation, but I am still struggeling. it's so weird to, I am struggling alone, it's just me causing it and experiencing it, no one else is involved. A couple of emails yesterday...nothing else. I feel dumb, why expecations, why not just have what I have. I did start asking for this one to work. We'll see. Still another 3 weeks before Texas. OK I have to shower.

Voldemort

Work sucks right now. The atmosphere is going down hill. Boss is complaining openly and with great hostility about voldemort. It's nothing I didn't already believe but totally disheartening to hear it. What if he leaves? Who's my buffer? HTF would I get through that? We'll see. Tets was in my office for the full dump by boss, part of me never wanted him to know, but the other part of me was glad. First thing he said, was is this what's been going on for the last 2 weeks...I said yes...he said..OK I get what's going on with you. Relieved that he gets it. Last couple of nights I've had the worst headache...I know it's work but also sinuses.

I was supposed to go to see Black Crows w marie tomorrow night and it's cancelled! WTF? Is that allowed? I'm still going to drive up, we'll have dinner and I'll meet the dog. A little glad I won't be out so late.

I'm not sure about anything else really. SCG pretty much out of touch...I txt'd he replied by email, but both mine and his one liners...voldemort quote. I know what to ask for, I know what I want, I want it to be him but that parts hard to say. I want all big things, I want to be all in and I want someone to like it and give it back. That part feels emotional, afraid of someone not wanting it. The human condition. Deleted all profiles though, so that's a good thing. Even in all the frustration of work and kids of the last few days/weeks I always know I want a boyfriend. I want someone to give a fuck. We'll see...we'll see...we'll see. Next week Vegas w Marie!!! Fun! fun! Fun! Can't wait. A little work and I hope a lot of fun.

Workity work work

It's nice to have Tet's back. He's definitely BFF, getting shit done, he wanted to all about what's going on with Keith. He has a lot of opinions, you can tell he want to say more than he does, but I've gotten so used to him as a sounding board it's great to have him back.

What else, got some work done, blah blah blah. I went to the movies alone last night, it was not bad. Totally better than staying home alone. Feels like I am kind of getting it. BUT of course I'm hoping/willing/watching for an email from SCG...I know he's traveling so I am totally chilling, I'm just saying is all...I do see that I maybe too available. I totally not want to relive the scene from swingers. I am still so sore from the trainer. He wants me to call him about signing up. I'm not sure what to do about that. I need the work out, and the goal of -25 by Bday is approaching. I guess I can always stop but it seems like breaking up would be harder than making sure he's the right one. I wanted someone who was more bike or goal oriented...like run faster, bike better, do a triathalon.

Moderation!

I just wrote 2/3 of a post and it disappeared. So I'm drinking alone, in moderation! first, maybe a 2nd. Keith's been driving me crazy, I've been so inside my head about the whole thing I could not relax today. Finally gave him a bunch of shit and then came home and drank and now I'm feeling better. Went to the gym w jenn and ev and their personal traininer....which was harder than the stuff I've done at the gym in a while, not harder than spin or the bike though. Tomorrow I'm gonna be sore.
What else? Watching baby momma, it's funny. Emailed SCG unsolicited, but no response in the last hour and a half. whatev's it's so funny to even read that, like that defines anything.

I guy I used to work with emailed me a few weeks ago on facebook, said he was comming to town this week. I said I'd get a group together and we'd go to dinner or drinks. So I emailed him thursdya or friday and asked when he was going to be around. He emailed me today and said he'd be here tomorrow (sunday) and drive up from San Diego if I'm free...I don't want to sleep with him and it could totally turn out to be that expectaion. we're both single...we've been out drininking and being stupid in the past, but he was always humping Marie's leg. I can't get a group together on a Sunday night. I can just flake, not call, not email. But the other thing is I have nothing to do tomorrow night. I'll flake unless theirs a 2nd message. Also have totally flaked on the last online guy. Basically fuck that guy. I don't care.

Apparently I am tina fey...date at the batting cages, first date sex, then romance. I should sue.

stuff

Tets is home! It was great to see him, had some drinks with a group from work then out to dinner w matt nancy and jose. just feel totally normal with him back...a few times especially in the last week I wanted to discuss work stuff with him and he wasn't around. I want to tell him lots of stuff about SCG and everything else, but I guess I didn't really miss him. Which is also good.

Had too much sushi, just enough beer and sake and now home watching Mad Men which I am enjoying regularly. Works OK...went to Spin with a different instructor today which was a good change and gym w jenn and ev in the morning. I apologized to Evelyn this am, she didn't think twice about it, so that's good.

A couple of emails w SCG today, just feel good about where it's at, hopefully it will stay where it's at or move on a bit.

You know...Thursday

I hate teenagers, nothing new, I always have, but now I have to live with one which can fucking suck. I read his myspace messages the other day and there was something between him and one of his friends about smoking cigarettes...so I called him on it and he admitted it and I ordered a bunch of tests off the internet. So today I read his IM log and he's still talking to the same fucking kid about the same shit. So I have to give him the tests tonight and signs say he will fail and I don't want to deal with it. basically I want him to give a fuck about what I think and behave himself. So we'll see. I can hope for the best but I know better.

so much fun back and forth with SCG over the last few days. I told him I can't do the whole bike event and asked if he'd hang out with me for a few days instead...I leave on Sunday and he said yes, so that's nice. lots of little things in the right direction. he is really super cute...and I am super gay.

Dinner w Jenn and Ev and her husband. I said everything possible wrong for Ev and Tim...total ass. I hope they're not fighting right now. I think my weekend pool privledges are revoked.

UPDATE...failed cigarettes, passed pot. wheww...retake in 2 weeks since the test can detect for that long. I feel like an ass for doing it, but had to know. Gave him shit for lying about the phone, did let him know I can read IM's too...which probably would have been best left unsaid but whatever.

I'm going to try and get up early for the gym. Hopefully I'll sleep well.

I should be working

And I am mostly...getting ready for a meeting in a bit, installing some new stuff. It's called multitasking. So mornings with 2 kids in school are a little hectic, I gotta get my shit together the night before, otherwise I'm too grouchy and Little Miss doesn't need that. I haven't worked out since Thursday, Saturday if you count Kayaking...I probably won't make it today either, too much work and Gramma Jan sent Bella $50 that she needs to spend when I get off work.

I still hate online dating. I apparently I've answered the eharmony questions in the white trash category and I am getting all 45 yr old inland empire types with mustaches. Like I said it feels like that's how I view myself. I can't stand it. I did see a cute guy on match, but my profile is so sucky and I have no desire to revisit it. ANYWAY. SCG called yesterday which was a nice surprise, talked about kids/work nothing earth shattering...I called him back after investigating a former coworkers current status, he didn't answer, left a message, he called right back. I am not sure about some of the stuff I said in chat the other night, good move or bad, but my moves are old and dusty so it's all I got.

Post with No Title

I got some lingering stuff done today. Taxes, stuff for the lawyer, it gave me a headache and will cost me about 4k but it's better to be done. I have to decide if I'm gonna ask Krypt to pay 1/2 the taxes or not. I went to the movies with JD to see the Dark Night in Imax and the movie died about 35 min in. I'll never see the end of it. It was a little datish but he's funny so of course he was making it as awkward as possible.

These nights are the toughest...no kids, phone doesn't ring, I really really tried to just sit with it tonight. I made it about an hour without checking the PC...and here I am. I don't know what I want to happen but it feels useless to even name it, it feels like I gotta take my medicine for a while. I am not sure why I feel like that. Even when I want to name SCG or something similar it's feels like I shouldn't ask.

I IM'd for a long time with SCG last night, not at home w wife which was good news, but as I already knew whanting something to grow from what it was a month ago cannot happen by my will alone. So remember I have to chill. I forgot to mention how hideous online dating is...each site is worse than the last it makes me feel like I have no self respect, like I am what the sites are. Right back to how am I supposed to meet someone of quality.

I might get up really early and ride before I take keith to school, I have to be at the lawyer at 10 and it's about an hour away...I might be able to do it after I take him...730 to 815? not sure I gotta leave by 915. Then work, then lather rinse repeat.

Saturday and I'm not

drinking alone! yay! I guess I don't need a 12 step program yet. I went kayaking today with Mark, Ethan and JD and Bella. It was fun, just cruised around for 2 hrs. I got a blister. Mark is telling his wife it's done tonight. She moved out and wanted to work on her self and then the marriage and of course Mark was acting single. I guess one of her friends saw him out. ouch. Anyway he's in full change mode, shaving his chest...WTF? Super queer, he was pretty happy to have his shirt off today too, awkward. After Ethan JD Bella and I went to blue water grill and then she and I came home and hung out, laundry, Ed came over for a beer, she ate and then went to the bookstore. Hopefully I bought something worth reading, the last few have sucked. She's in bed now, and I'm watching the wire then bed for me. She's getting a hair cut in the AM I have class, and then she's going to her Dads. I'm not sure what I'll do in the evening, I still have the taxes which have to be done by the end of the month...but I'd rather ride the bike or do anything else.

I am so predictable

So I guess I'll be writing about the only thing I seem to write about...SCG emailed me for a while last, I was telling him I had a crappy day and was drinking alone...I said Hey. I called you today. Another item on my crappy list. He was all apologetic...I'm terrible with voice mail/phone, didn't check messages, don't take it personally. Said he'd call today, but he hasn't. Not looking good if it's 2 hrs ahead there. I'm getting that he might be right in some areas and not others, but I still feel gross about the one line thing and I always hate passing the 1 month mark with out sex...which I have passed. ugh, I didn't really realize that I was trying to keep something alive that happened a month ago. sad sad sad. blurg. Tomorrow Kayaking. I need to clean up the house as they're meeting me here, but I think I'll go to sleep and get up in the morning to do it.

Thursday

I went on a bike ride today with the Sand Canyon group, I think the ride is done because its getting dark too early. But we did 20 miles in 1 hr 15 min. I was dead last which made me feel like shit until I realized how far we went in what amount of time. I need to try and do some other group rides because I am not a good judge of my effort when I am alone. Also I may not be able to do the ride in Oct because of fing work...they are asking me to be in Japan on Oct 13 which would require departing on 12 or 11. Fuck!

So I am so very gay I called SCG (super cute guy) and...he didn't answer...and I left a message....and no return call. He sent an email with me in bcc about some old work shit...but now I am learning that the rules are there for a reason. Whatever. I'm home alone, kids with Krypt, and I should shower and go to bed...gonna finish a glass of wine and watch some DVR and mostly will a personal email to arrive, you know Thursday.

So....

I am pretty sleepy right about now. Hopefully that's a good thing and I'll sleep all night. I went and saw Stevie Nicks today. It wasn't as amazing as it can be but it's always good to hear I'm not crazy. She always reminds me that there is a vacancy and as long as that exists my biology will drive me to fill it. That helps me understand the energy I put into super cute guy or online stuff or whatever.
So tonight I made dinner for the kids and I, drank a glass of whine (hence the sleepy). Little miss is getting tired...I hope she goes to sleep early. I don't think I'm gonna make it until after 9.

doood

I am still not sleeping well. It's 530 am and I've been wasting time online, reading and watching TV for an hour or 2. I am a little obsessed with Katt Williams...saw it on HBO over the weekend, and it's on again right now. It totally makes me laugh out loud. So Yeah I was reading all the old posts and again I am giving way to much time and attention to 1 element of me. So I have to make a point to find other stuff.

I need some good books to read. I have been through so many lately, and the new crop isn't holding my attention. I'd also like to take a moment and appreciate some of my hard work. I am changing my body and that has been something I haven't been able to accomplish until now. I am working hard at it and have made it a total priority. yay me.
JD's in town and wants to go kyaking this weekend, I am totally up for it, but I don't really wanna go alone with him. Maybe I can get Jenn and Ev to go too. I miss Tets! If he were here it would be a given, he'd go with.

So tonights gonna hurt if I've been up this long. We'll see how the day goes.

Back to Routine

Back to school, back to work, back to the gym, all in 1 day. It felt great to go back to the gym, to do spin and even to be back at work. I did measurements today....1 inch off waste, 2 off thighs and down 3 lbs. Pretty good for being in Japan for 10 days. Also reflects areas that biking works on...need to be sure to do arms etc on the gym by myself.

Little miss did just fine at school today, claims she doesn't want Saturday and Sunday off. We'll see how long that lasts. Keith did fine, went on his own, came home on his own, just chilling at home. No crazy expectations to go or do anything extra like in the summer.

Not much else to report, I talked to Ethan about super cute guy and he confirmed he's still at home w wife but moving on divorce. I guess I knew that, and it explains no calls, but damn it! Still holding to plan of just chilling until we see each other in person. I was going to call him today to see how the first day went at the new place, but did not. No need. I do need a date for the foo fighters in Vegas but the chance of a no is too high, I'll figure it out. So that's about it.....blah blah blah. Here's me and my feelings -just kidding, just seems kinda funny.

A little better now

I think these are my witching hours...around 9-11 so I am going to just accept that. I am seeing clearly that you can't make someone the one because the signs add up, the actions really have to also. Super cute guy may turn out to be, but he's not obligated to be on my schedule or immediately meet my needs. I can't ask anything of him, I can only judge if it's worth persuing or considering based on his actions . For now it's better than the internet guys, but something will have to move in the near future for that status to maintain. I think I need to go back to my original plan of chilling until October and then talking in person about stuff, really just to get to know each other better. Until then the correspondence is welcome, friendly and does not qualify as actions.

I feel good about that whole thing...I'm going to come back and read that when I am willing the light to blink later tonight.

Tomorrow is the first day of school for little miss. Meeting ex there for the morning show of solidarity, which she thinks is awesome. The teacher asked us to bring a photo of her family to school tomorrow, so the 4 of us took one outside of his house. Fairly painless, and makes her happy. Must delete off of camera to prevent future illness, however ;-)

Went on a good bike ride today, was trying to go a route I had with the sand canyon girls but took a wrong turn and ended at 1.5 hours instead of a full 2, but road hard the whole time and went up and over Redhill which is something I had been wanting to do.

again

Why is it that I just can't accept the fact that I am lonely? It's not a question someone can answer, it's simply a state, it exists, perhaps indefinitely. It's kind of like I'm tired, but I can't sleep, not a lot anyone can do about that, but I guess you know you'll sleep eventually. I don't know when I'll realize that actions don't really change the state. Emailing super cute guy late at night...suggested IM, he declines, It's late, I gotta get to bed. I don't know what on earth would possess me to ask for rejection but I never stop doing it. It's really sad, like being overweight and binge eating, at some point you just gotta stop.
I don't know why it even makes me sad, but it does. It feels like I have 2 options, keep putting myself out there and feel pain, or retreat and feel bitterness. fuck it. done. sad. over it.

uh oh

A colleague in singapore emailed me and said he could see the blog...I used the name of work and google picked it up. So I closed permissions and deleted the word. AWKWARD. I was totally OK with strangers reading it...but someone with in 1 degree of separation, not so much. I hope my damage control was enough.

drinking alone

I'm not ashamed, I'm 3/4 of the way through a bottle of wine and feeling pretty fuckin good about it right about now...totally took the edge of, feeling funny, pretty, relaxed. We should feel this way all of the time.

But alas we do not. I had a great conversation with Bella about drag queens, wanted to know my drag queen name. I went for Hello Kitty or International Woman of Mystery. She choose Sugar. Not bad for 5. it's about time we had a good drag queen conversation. I mean she is 5. Thank God for Project Runway, brining families together. So here's a list of openers I would email super cute guy if I wasn't holding out....

Hey I'm drunk...so I'm super funny and super pretty right now.
What the F is going on with you? Why can't you call?
What would you do to me if you were here...

I am moderately obsessively checking email...willing the little red light on the blackberry to blink. Somethings will alone cannot create. BUT Dennis's GF emailed with words of solidarity and I currently have only 49 min left before I can got to bed, so things are looking up.

WTF Is Going On With Me Today?

I have a lot of anxiety today. Maybe it's lack of sleep, I am channeling it all at work, like things are bad, or things are going to be bad next week. It's not logical, there's no new information or reasons to think that's the case. If I could I'd have a stiff drink and take a nap and see if that killed it, but child care prevents alcohol related strategies. So I am doing some work, hoping that will take the edge off. Like if I have my arms around it, it will feel better. Oy! Arggg! AHHH! Blurg! I don't know what the fuck is going on with me today. I went to the gym w jenn and evelyn, then breakfast, that was all good. Then Bella and I went to Target and I've been home for an hour and a half or so doing some work. Still have to go to the grocery store...I also have to get a bunch of paperwork together for the lawyer and get the taxes done...maybe it's all of that and being home and knowing I gotta get it together. It does seem like a lot of crappy stuff when I write it out. baby steps...

Can't Sleep

It's 2:30, I'm watching a fairly crappy movie on pay per view and wondering if I should try to sleep more. Everything I need to do is going through my mind for tomorrow....groceries...gym etc. I'm hungry too, but there's not much food here and I already ate a bag of cheetos. Very Britney Spears, I should start smoking.

I am seeing myself looking for something in other people almost all of the time, then when they don't provide what I think I need I am disappointed. What about not wanting something ? What about taking what is given as it comes? I don't know. It's not about anyone else clearly, but extracting one from the other is messy. I am tired of all of this, it's almost exactly like masturbation...satisfying to a degree, but then not so much. OK I feel like I should pull myself out of this. What about the bike and those great feelings? What about seeing Dennis, Ethan, Tets and being happy to be their friend and seeing the same in them? What about Bella in my bed just wanting to have her hand on me...what about the beautiful full moon waiting for me. What else? How do I become my own first choice?

I Heart My Bike

I was so missing my bike while I was gone and today I got out for about 24 miles, may have been 28 as I'm still not taking any gear with me. It was awesome, my legs remembered what to do and felt happy to be doing it, hills were tough as usual but the whole thing just made me feel happy to be alive, the best! When you're working hard, the song is right, your mind is there it was totally happening today :) Tomorrow going to the gym with Jenn and hopefully Evelyn, happy to be back on track. Bella met her teacher today, she seems super sweet and Bella's at ease with the whole thing. Super cute guy is emailing, but asked him to call, we'll see if he does. Makes me a little suspicious of the marital status, knowing me it probably wouldn't matter, but I need to know to adjust expectations. I canceled all my online stuff, so that's a good step. I'm gonna break out my sewing and keep my hands and mind busy. You know who is awesome? Dennis's gf, she emails and has great advice and insights. I appreciate her friendliness. You know what isn't so awesome? work didn't pay me commission this month, or anyone else apparently. Not really prepared to go with 1/2 my pay. I know I'll pull it off, but just the arrogance of it all....I can barely swing it. With all the people leaving you'd think they could pay those of us who are left. I am suddenly very sleepy...bike+beer+internet+jet lag. I think I should spice up the blog w pics etc but since I have no audience it may not that important.

Habits

I need to find away to break these habits of emailing someone, waiting for response and so on. I need to practice not doing anything so he can call or email or whatever. So what are the alternatives? Internet loosers? Eating? Laundry? I guess I need to start needle point projects. Keep my hands busy...I have this big barrier between what I need to do-be where I am and actually doing it. When it comes time to be I go for some immediate gratification. So I am promising myself not to initiate contact with him from now until Tuesday. Tuesday he starts a new job, so will allow the Well Wishes email. Why is this tough? So silly, it's obviously not about the other person, it's obviously about me needing some validation or attention from the outside world.

Home!

I am home! I didn't write while in Japan with Keith. 3 days no computer and I don't want him watching/reading all of this. So we are home. It was so great to be there with Keith. We went to Matsuyama which is where they have the oldest Onsen in Japan, the one that Spirited Away is based on. It was really cool, we stayed at an Onsen too, all in 1 room with special room service girl. It was cool. Keith and Tets got along with no issue, really glad Keith could see that there's nothing to hide. Then we went to Osaka and Nara. Nara was great, I was really glad to be in the presence of the big budda, lots of magic. Then back to Tokyo, a little work and then the flight home.

I am so tired now, but have 6 hrs to go to stay awake.

Lots of emails with super cute guy. He's doing an Ironman in Oct in Texas, and I'll be there for transform, so definitely going to cheer him on. I want him to call me, that would make me feel like it's mutual. A few too many drunk emails initiated by me over the last 2 weeks. I thought a lot about what's going on during the flight home. It's all good and I know I want to pursue things with him, he simply makes me completely disinterested in anyone else. But I also know I can't do all the work, and I can see how me initiating could be a total turn off. I also know I need to be on my own when I'm alone and not filling my mind what if's. I was thinking about what I want. I want to be someone's #1, and I want to be my own #1. So I am working on that!

Updates!

I just got up from a nap...the consequences of getting up at 430 after going to bed after 12. It's really lucky the schedules flexible this trip. We are going to see our candidate again tomorrow and then finally get Keith. I haven't talked to him in going on 3 days which is hard. Last night back to our bar, but present was one of our least favorite singers. A girl who is good, but just not the same soul as the rest, and she seems to be doing it for attention vs. love of the game, especially in English, but better in Japanese. Afterwards came back to the room and lots of lovely emails with super cute guy. Initiated by him asking how my meetings went. I had sent him the link to the video from the night before and he commented on Bella, I didn't know how he saw her, but there's another public photo album with pics of here. sweet about me, my eyes, smile etc. You can just never get enough of that. I said I really didn't want him to change jobs, that he and I had stuff to do...he didn't know what I meant so I had to explain further, after I already thought I said too much, but just came out with, we should spend more time together, and get to know each other better. He said we can do that no matter what, which was obviously the right thing to hear. So I'm just trying to be where that is, not 10 steps ahead. I can't believe I am going to be here for 6 more days...I am hoping its not too much time for Keith, that we don't feel over it.

Funniest Thing Ever

My friend (and former work husband) was speculating on what my "off the record" meeting with the womanizer of PFU Japan will be like and wrote the funniest most on the money short story/email to capture what he thinks could happen...copied here:

Part I
They met at the fixed time. On a miniature bridge in a giant city. There was love seat for two nearby. It was a striking monument of the quiet wisdom that emanated from a silent man with much to say.

He seated himself at a respectable distance and cleared his throat.
“Why, he’s nervous, just like me,” she thought. She was happy that he was not like the other salarymen in Tokyo. Those who followed the rules and bowed on command.

“Kon bon wa,” he croaked. His voice was raspy. “Doesn’t matter,” she told herself.
“Kon bon wa!” she crooned.

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. She looked even more beautiful today. Her eyes were like those of a deer. And she had such long eyelashes. When she lowered them, they cast mysterious shadows on her cheeks.

Her nose was delicate and straight. Her lips were perfectly shaped; her mouth, a little wide. Her jet black hair shone with a gleam as she moved her head. Her skin had a healthy glow to it. He observed all this while she made a pretext of playing with the edges of her 3G capable Blackberry.

“Well, er… do you like me?” he asked.

She looked at him. His hair was combed to perfection with a perfectly respectable side parting. His nose was aquiline. His eyes were two expressive pools of black. Funny, she’d not noticed that they had so much character in them. His appointment book was neatly tucked into his breast pocket. His mouth … She hastily averted her gaze.

“You know I do!”

“When I saw you on the first day of JIMA, I fell for you. You seemed to mesmerize me by the way you smiled and spoke.”

She remembered. That was three years ago. She had asked him for directions to the one ATM in the city that works. During this period, they had not exchanged more than a few words. But whenever they chanced upon each other: at the AIIM shows, in the demos, in the corridors with no pictures or color … they exchanged silent unspoken messages. Clearly they were attracted to each other.

“Even I felt the same. I was instantly pulled towards you,” she blushed as she spoke. “Every night, I would think of you, wondering whether you would speak with me the next day,” she smiled at the memory.

“And when you did not attend the ARMA show for one whole year, I felt as if my heart would break,” he said softly.

She knew that he would miss her the most. She had fallen sick and had remembered him in each moment of her weakness.

“And when I recovered, I saw you helping my best friend with his perfect PFU factory walking speed,” she shot him an accusing look…

Part II
…”How could she fall for a man who sweats more than a sumo wrestler on a Friendly airport bus?”, he wondered. “He’s a slight man from Osaka who would throw away everything for round eyes and a white girlfriend.” This International Business Woman deserved more than this, he thought.

He summoned the courage to speak to her again, thankfully his English was always better when he was horny. He smoothed the soft fabric of his blazer to mentally prepare himself for the battle ahead. His mind wandered, “…I’ve worn this blazer every day of my life and I’ve never been able to decide if it is green or blue..” It was time to make his move. He floated towards her with the grace and speed of a Shinkansen. Nothing could stop him now…

She watched tremulously as he approached her. He took her hand in his as they sauntered over to the bar. “Irashimashe!” the bartender blurted, she felt both proud of herself and guilty for ignoring him for just enough time to draw the word out in her head in Hiragana. What would you like Ms.? “I’ll take a shot of Jameson, leave the bottle”, and for you sir, “For reraxing times, it’s Suntory time”. It was the corniest and most beautiful moment of the evening.

My only wish is that there are others out there who get how fucking funny and frighteningly accurate this is.

A few things....

First, I don't think I have properly documented my love of the Strings Hotel. It's sublime. Arriving is always weird in Japan, too much service for me, don't carry my bags, don't meet me at the bus, just get me my key...and that is the moment the magic happens. The room is simple, average size by US standards, making it large for Tokyo. It's decorated modern but nothing that makes you feel like you're not cool enough for it. So bags down after 18 hours in transit bathroom is #1 priority. The shower/bath combo is engineering perfection, glassed off from toilet and sink, you can use both almost at the same time. Lots of steam, good water pressure, and the water never ever goes outside the shower area, the floor in front of the toilet and sink will never be wet. The washlet is obligatory, and in perfect order. Not too hot, water pressure not too surprising. Everything is provided, tooth brush, toothpaste, hair brush. Hair dryer is to American standards. Robes are great, pajama's are soft, room has it's own iron and ironing board, totally unique for Japan. Bed is huge, bedding simple but right quality. Everything in the mini bar is free....free breakfast, free laundry, free internet, amazing view. I am always happy to arrive.

Next I must document my love of Ramen and my visit to Ramen Town! Working on getting video done and linked.

Lots and Lots of Little Stuff

Working here yesterday in the Kofax office was the longest de ja vu ever...it lasted all day. I always imagined doing it, and then it just was happening, not in the super exciting look at my dreams come true way, just strangely in a real time memory. I talked to Keith yesterday, he's bored, I kinda get it, no TV, no easy communication, but day after tomorrow it's on! He said they went to the Hot Springs, I asked him how it was, and he said "There were dicks everywhere" which made me laugh so hard. I am not sure about a visit to the Onsen, but I want to go, so fuck it. Also Ikeda-san's wife's grandmother died, and there is a funeral which in Japan consists of a viewing, a trip to the crematorium as a family watching the body go in to the kiln, then waiting for it to be burned, then back to the kiln to take parts of the remains and put them into an Urn from bottom to top with chopsticks. I guess the clavicle bone goes in last and it looks like a buddah, then they seal the urn. Doood! Heavy shit. Keith was supposed to stay home with the son, but Tets called Ikeda and asked him to take him---not so sure about that, but I am sure not too many westerners see that.

The candidate we interviewed yesterday might be the right one. He is Japanese but born in Belgium!!! Can you believe that? So crazy. He's a little awkward and needy, but that's a good thing when you want someone to work hard. He's regarded as arrogant here which is so strange, last thing I'd use to describe him. They use Agencies here exclusively to hire, so we met with the rep from the Agency, who was from Buhtan, so interesting. I wanted to talk to him forever, I wanted him to take me there immediately. We went to dinner with the Kofax Japan peeps and then took them to Penguin Jacks which is undoubtedly the best bar in the world. Maybe a drank a little much...the soju strategy is good for calories but that shit sneaks up on you. I was feeling a little yucky this AM but it has passed. I did some heavy lifting for work today, so feeling productive, in the room to cool off and so Tets can nap--gotta keep him in good health this trip.

Still emailing with super cute guy which feels sweet. We'll see if it sustains. He's definitely in for the bike ride, so I can look forward to that. I was explaining the Buhtan thing and he had tried to go there, spent a month around everest about 10 years ago...nice surprise. Crazy that he has a brain, kinda artsy, liberal, and works in the same industry. Anyway I don't need to make him any better than he is, that's just leading to the wrong expectations. I sent him a link to a video of last night, we'll see if he watches. He asked me what exactly it is that I do, which made me laugh. Eat, drink, hang out with Tets, site see..you know average work week.

This is what tomorrow looks like

I am in Japan, it's almost 7 here, going to hit the gym, then breakfast, then a little work, and I mean very little. I think they are finally going to restore the other blog...but now I'd have to figure out how to migrate, and I kinda like that this one doesn't have all that BS about Tets, which seems lame now.

Anyway I broke the rules and emailed super cute guy and we've been going back and forth for a few hours, just friendly. So I think I have it in perspective. I also have been thinking a lot more about being alone which isn't comfortable but I have to be where I am, so for now that is that.

I really want to talk to Keith. I haven't for 3 days, but I will see him in a few. I know he's fine, but its super weird to think that he's here now, and so am I but we're not together. Lots of fun stuff planned for next week.

It's Admirals Club Time!!

Wow! Exciting! Admirals Club! I never thought I'd see inside one of these....
I am waiting to depart to Japan...then a little work and then get Keith! I am starting to totally miss him. Read funny messages from his friends, they are missing him too. What else? Went for a short bike ride then finished getting ready to go. I was really floundering on the bike ride, getting out of bed etc. So glad I did, just around the back bay, less than an hour, but reminded me what I love about the bike, which I haven't seen for the last few rides. Went home and stretched, (before also), so the back is better, preparing to sit in coach for 10+ hours-yuck. Upgrade price went up to $400!!! Doood! I cant afford that shit. I gotta budget better so I can pay it-work isn't covering it any more. I think after this trip I'll be executive platinum so should get some free ones. That's about it...feeling OK otherwise.

Whatevs

Just got back from the date with the Asian guy...it just seemed like he wasn't into it. Like it wasn't worth the drive for him. Part of me thinks I could've been more flirty but that's just somehow unnatural immediately. Conversation seemed easy enough, dinner, a little walk on the beach...then he was outta there. It's just relentless. If I wanted all this rejection I would've become an actress. I know how it's supposed to feel, and this guy didn't bring that, but what seems sooososososooso impossible is creating the right circumstances to find how it's supposed to be. So that's that. I am kinda tempted to break all the rules and email super cute guy...but a lame response or none would be too much to take.

I was driving home feeling sorry for myself and turned right up Newport Coast to measure the miles from my ride the other day (2 up hill, ~800 ft climb) and the moon was big and beautiful and made me remember that the universe does want me to be happy. A sign of beauty and serendipity that made me smile. In a way I know I am back where I am supposed to be, chilling, doing my thing, opening up to all the happy accidents that await, but it's hard not to be lonely while being alone.

my back hurts

I have to have the bike adjusted. My back is killing me this morning after 2 hours on the bike yesterday. I watched Catch and Release last night which I wanted to see since reading the Kevin Smith diary, it wasn't bad, but of course made me cry....she had 3 guys after her (one died). I just think I haven't really gone through how sad the state of my marriage made me, I was so focused on survival I didn't realize that it made me so sad not to be liked by my husband for so long. I just don't get why someone doesn't care about me, but at the same time I somehow do get I am not in the right frame of mind today to create that. But will go to dinner with Asian guy....thought of emailing super cute guy something like "I'm on a date, but wish I was talking to you"....but will not.

Glad the Asshole doesn't live at my house any more

So did I mention Lindsey's car got towed? But since it's in my name only I could get it out...so we went to get it out and I left my ID in my laptop bag from the trip to San Jose the other day. The place is about 5 min from the house. He was basically having a tantrum about the whole situation. He wouldn't even ride with Bella and I back to my house to get my ID...he waited in the parking lot of the tow yard. I grabbed it, went back, signed the car out and left. No Thank You, no nothing. It made me sick to my stomach. The car's in my name because I am still paying for it and he's acting like it's all such a pain in his ass. Doood....doing anything for him just makes me physically sick. So I hope I can shake that and get on with the day. Gonna pack get a little organized and try not to check my phone for a call or message that apparently isn't coming.