Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment. I always go back for more of the same. Today I was reading ex's myspace messages and found what I was looking for...him talking shit about me. I truly should not care, he's telling someone how I cheated and how I deserve the same life as my friends. In a seperate message he's talking about getting drunk at la cave (WTF?) and fucking all kinds of girls...not the same as cheating, but all the shit about the friends. Dude, you are doing what you hated me for. 98% of the time I don't even think about him, nor did I for the last year of the marriage, but everyone wants to be understood, and in this case I am not sure what I want. Nothing from him. I have lots of recognition that my truth is real from the outside world. I think sometimes of how did I get along with him for so long and how did the relationship move from one phase to the next? How did I make all of those decisions and live all of those years without learning anything that applies to the real world now. That part is crazy. It's been tough to find someone to talk about this stuff with...obviously Stevie Nicks is the right person, but there's a pattern there of I'm either a mess tell me I'm not, or Look I'm not a mess. It's hard to remember what comes up in between. I think part of believes that's what a relationship might offer, but really I am scared to death of telling someone with potential about this mess. I almost wish Ex could read all of this and know it's not all black and white, but in the 20 years it as only black and white. It all comes around to the fact that you can have a plan and work a plan, but it does not impact anyone but you... all my flipping out, all my struggeling is all mine, created by me, executed by me, witnessed by me. I've been here before, I wish I remembered the way out. Sheer will, distraction and maybe a little luck. I hope I haven't used all of mine.

I haven't heard from SCG since Tuesday which fucking sucks but it is so part of the aforementioned struggeling alone. I finally was able to explain it, it's not that he's the one, it's not "him" its the list of qualities vs. the list of prospects in the past. Facts (ie the plan) just tell me they can't be replicated, but I can't make it happen from just sheer will, he has to participate. Which is really interesting because I have always beleived that I made everything happen with ex work husband by sheer will, I forced it, he didn't actively particpate, he just failed to say no. Which is not true, I think I say that to prevent myself from feeling hurt that it didn't work, or that it may have been the real thing. Which I believed at the time, but don't now. We're both fine in different directions and when I see him there is the curiosity of How Did That Happen....how did we escape and survive. I hadn't really put that together before...He didn't fail to say no...he cared too and it still wouldn't have worked.

So what now? I really don't know, no clue. Currently shopping, drinking, exercising, working, blog fill some void, really just fill the hours, but I am doing my best. That I can say for sure. That has to be enough for me.