I'm still here,

I am just sitting in the Admirals Club at LHR returning from Ireland. The vacation was good, a bit surprisingly. I guess you can't go wrong with it really, but I was a bit worried about hanging out with Jen and JP the whole time, we did fine. Going home has me feeling the road trip malaise, I guess it's bound to happen. I don't want to go back to work, it so incredibly fucked, just the feeling, not the actual work, but the new boss is such a dick. It just never stops. I just realized how much anxiety it's creating in my life. It makes everything feel shitty.

I am of course feeling a bit sad about my current status. It's been 6 months since scg, I still FB stalk him. No prospects in sight (except the 69 year old irish man who was very aggressive), no end in sight really. Ron gave me some good advice-don't go looking for it, let it come to you. Ihate what it does to my head the most, makes me feel fat, all kids of bad stuff which may or may not be true, but is always brought on by this state and just kind of circles the drain from their. Work, fat, alone...I hate giving in to it, but it just clouds up my head.

I am very happy to be going home. Can't wait to see the kids, of course got some shitty txt from x about some confrontation he had w keith. I think I am going to easy on Keith and it's making him cocky. We'll see what his account is. I need to find a way to motivate him more.

After all that time w no posts, that is that I guess. Busy week ahead, 1 night in las vegas, bike ride, shitty work vibe. I'm just going to fake that and see if it helps.

Kinda standing still

I am still all the things I was the other day. But I am also all the things I was before that. I guess this is the real thing. Watching some stupid movie, husband died, friends, new men blah blah blah. I feel sad I don't feel that way about anyone. I feel sad that someone never felt that for me, but only used me as a reflection of him. I feel sad that I still stay home on saturday nights and and drink alone. I love sleeping in my bed alone but honestly can't remember even a little what it's like to not be alone, to have someone touch me affectionately (besides a child). I feel like I am a better woman, person, parent than I was last year at this time. I feel like it's still crazy and not how I thought it would be, but I don't know now. Here I am....same place. I guess that has to be OK, that is the craziest part, why can't I make progress here, because I am not supposed to. I guess that's the lesson. I have to let go of this and just let it happen. I'm afraid if I am not actively pursuing something I won't ever have it. I am not sure that will ever happen to me. So that's it, Saturday night.

I don't know.

Today and last night I am not so good. I knew I'd get frustrated after all the solo kid time, and so I am. Frustrated about a lot of things. Not sure why things are the way they are. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was last Feb. January was a lot of activity...x out of the house, training, early Feb was good too, sex we strangers, bike ride. And here I am. I really feel like crying. I am happier now, I try to think about the way it would be if x was still here, it would be so bad, so frustrating, so full of self abuse. What did I really think it was going to be like? I wish Stevie Nicks would have told me that I had to do it, but it was going to be really hard, harder than I thought for as long as I can imagine. That's what it seems like. I guess it's OK. I wish I could make a plan and work the plan to make things different. I feel like I've been trying to do that but with no clear course and no results. I am trying to be open to optimism where I can find it. I went to breakfast with Evelyn yesterday and was telling her that I am working out twice a day a few days a week, her comment was nice and optimistic, "When else will you have the opportunity to to that? It's a special time" I think that's true. I also have to get eating under control for some more results. I'm trying to think of other things I've accomplished...I am not so dependent on Tets, that's good. I've been full court press on Keith and it's working, that's good. IDK....I need something else, then the Buddhist in me says the lesson is not to need but to have what I have fully. I just don't know.

Just Because

I think I am posting just because I don't want to see the last few when I log in. Went to dinner with Tets at Shabu and waited a long time, but totally worth it. Nice to be somewhere comfortable with someone comfortable. Didn't talk about any of the other stuff, so that's good. Trying to really fake it then make it, fake letting joy in, fake optimisim, so I can remember what it feels like in the event of something worthy taking place.

Keith and Bella with their dad. Keith txting immediately about his dad taking bella's side. Hard stuff. Tomorrow early Gym, then work, back at it. I can see that I am not making a plan, working a plan to distract me from what's really happening. I think that's good.

Sunday Part II

I decided to go to Yoga after x picked up little miss...I got there in time and it was cancelled :( a bit like going to the emergency room and getting refused. I went to the movies which isn't hard but I didn't want to. I don't want to see romantic comedies right now, I don't want to be alone always. I have to plan better for Sunday nights.

Came out of the movies and had a great message from Chris which really feels like home. Someone who knew before and after and gets it and is amazing on his own. I will call him tomorrow, it was late for him already. Great txt from keith too, I see the world is here for me, and it's opening up, I have to open up too....unwind what ever expectations are there so I can have what I don't expect. what I am not expecting could be more.

Went for long bike ride by myself this morning, and stopped for coffee w Tets on the way home. That was tougher than I thought, the first half of the conversation was good, but then he told me he thought I was childish to cancel the ride and bbq today. I was surprised, because it was his idea to cancel all of it over the weekend, and he's leaving for Japan tomorrow and has all kinds of crap to do today. That made me feel bad. I am unaware when I upset him and it sticks when he says it. So I'm home now talked to scg...need new acronym because that's not gonna work anymore, and it was totally and completely awkward. Obviously he's staying home with his daughter, but there was an opportunity there to say something and he didn't, which he hasn't before either, so whatever. I wish I didn't call him back because now I'm stuck with that feeling too.

I am right back where I started. like Radiohead...15 steps. I guess this is where I need to be, I haven't figured something out yet. It is just lonely. that's all really. I don't want to stay home and watch tv forever, I want some one to care about and someone to care about me. I'm totally OK with it not being this guy, I am too big and have to much to offer for anything less than my vision, but it's far away. It's not visible from here, and being sad and lonely is not anywhere I want to be. UGGG.

Also work fucking sucks. I am not sure I've ever been at the bottom of the cycle like this before. Even when x was here work was good. I need to be humble, I need to accept that this is where I am supposed to be.

Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment. I always go back for more of the same. Today I was reading ex's myspace messages and found what I was looking for...him talking shit about me. I truly should not care, he's telling someone how I cheated and how I deserve the same life as my friends. In a seperate message he's talking about getting drunk at la cave (WTF?) and fucking all kinds of girls...not the same as cheating, but all the shit about the friends. Dude, you are doing what you hated me for. 98% of the time I don't even think about him, nor did I for the last year of the marriage, but everyone wants to be understood, and in this case I am not sure what I want. Nothing from him. I have lots of recognition that my truth is real from the outside world. I think sometimes of how did I get along with him for so long and how did the relationship move from one phase to the next? How did I make all of those decisions and live all of those years without learning anything that applies to the real world now. That part is crazy. It's been tough to find someone to talk about this stuff with...obviously Stevie Nicks is the right person, but there's a pattern there of I'm either a mess tell me I'm not, or Look I'm not a mess. It's hard to remember what comes up in between. I think part of believes that's what a relationship might offer, but really I am scared to death of telling someone with potential about this mess. I almost wish Ex could read all of this and know it's not all black and white, but in the 20 years it as only black and white. It all comes around to the fact that you can have a plan and work a plan, but it does not impact anyone but you... all my flipping out, all my struggeling is all mine, created by me, executed by me, witnessed by me. I've been here before, I wish I remembered the way out. Sheer will, distraction and maybe a little luck. I hope I haven't used all of mine.

I haven't heard from SCG since Tuesday which fucking sucks but it is so part of the aforementioned struggeling alone. I finally was able to explain it, it's not that he's the one, it's not "him" its the list of qualities vs. the list of prospects in the past. Facts (ie the plan) just tell me they can't be replicated, but I can't make it happen from just sheer will, he has to participate. Which is really interesting because I have always beleived that I made everything happen with ex work husband by sheer will, I forced it, he didn't actively particpate, he just failed to say no. Which is not true, I think I say that to prevent myself from feeling hurt that it didn't work, or that it may have been the real thing. Which I believed at the time, but don't now. We're both fine in different directions and when I see him there is the curiosity of How Did That Happen....how did we escape and survive. I hadn't really put that together before...He didn't fail to say no...he cared too and it still wouldn't have worked.

So what now? I really don't know, no clue. Currently shopping, drinking, exercising, working, blog fill some void, really just fill the hours, but I am doing my best. That I can say for sure. That has to be enough for me.

Hi my name is Marni andso

I write about the same thing all the time and can't seem to break the cycle. Yep that's me. I was not liking work today...just the old PFU crap, do these tasks, jump through this hoop because we said so in Japanese. I remember how that was, really I saw I don't take too much home with me too often, but today I am. And I have less tolerance for all of it, less bandwidth for crap like that at home. So I came home and poured a big glass of wine, and am chilling w the laptop and the little miss and the Suite Life of Z and C which is so sucky but I don't watch...soon bath time, then bed time (not soon enough). I still don't get why someone cannot pick up the phone and say hey, why can't someone give a fuck about me? Do I want too much attention? probably...would I be OK with less than what I want...probably. Am I getting any of anything...not so much. I'm gonna have to go back to the internet soon at this rate. I don't call, the group email strategy is tired I want what I want. Fuckity fuck fuck

Not enough hours in the day

I've got a lot to try and squeeze in today...work, haircut, spin, work. Not sure how to get it all done. I've got one more work thing I wanted to have done by now, but I need to shower and go, and I'm afraid my disorganization will make it take too long to find the base information to get it done. I went to dinner w Marie last night to a hotel with a beautiful roof top bar, a little sushi, a lot of sake, then I went to her place to see the puppy. Then home by 11. I went and saw Stevie Nicks yesterday which was helpfull...lot's about Keith and a little about work an SCG. She is very positive about that situation, but I am still struggeling. it's so weird to, I am struggling alone, it's just me causing it and experiencing it, no one else is involved. A couple of emails yesterday...nothing else. I feel dumb, why expecations, why not just have what I have. I did start asking for this one to work. We'll see. Still another 3 weeks before Texas. OK I have to shower.

Voldemort

Work sucks right now. The atmosphere is going down hill. Boss is complaining openly and with great hostility about voldemort. It's nothing I didn't already believe but totally disheartening to hear it. What if he leaves? Who's my buffer? HTF would I get through that? We'll see. Tets was in my office for the full dump by boss, part of me never wanted him to know, but the other part of me was glad. First thing he said, was is this what's been going on for the last 2 weeks...I said yes...he said..OK I get what's going on with you. Relieved that he gets it. Last couple of nights I've had the worst headache...I know it's work but also sinuses.

I was supposed to go to see Black Crows w marie tomorrow night and it's cancelled! WTF? Is that allowed? I'm still going to drive up, we'll have dinner and I'll meet the dog. A little glad I won't be out so late.

I'm not sure about anything else really. SCG pretty much out of touch...I txt'd he replied by email, but both mine and his one liners...voldemort quote. I know what to ask for, I know what I want, I want it to be him but that parts hard to say. I want all big things, I want to be all in and I want someone to like it and give it back. That part feels emotional, afraid of someone not wanting it. The human condition. Deleted all profiles though, so that's a good thing. Even in all the frustration of work and kids of the last few days/weeks I always know I want a boyfriend. I want someone to give a fuck. We'll see...we'll see...we'll see. Next week Vegas w Marie!!! Fun! fun! Fun! Can't wait. A little work and I hope a lot of fun.

Moderation!

I just wrote 2/3 of a post and it disappeared. So I'm drinking alone, in moderation! first, maybe a 2nd. Keith's been driving me crazy, I've been so inside my head about the whole thing I could not relax today. Finally gave him a bunch of shit and then came home and drank and now I'm feeling better. Went to the gym w jenn and ev and their personal traininer....which was harder than the stuff I've done at the gym in a while, not harder than spin or the bike though. Tomorrow I'm gonna be sore.
What else? Watching baby momma, it's funny. Emailed SCG unsolicited, but no response in the last hour and a half. whatev's it's so funny to even read that, like that defines anything.

I guy I used to work with emailed me a few weeks ago on facebook, said he was comming to town this week. I said I'd get a group together and we'd go to dinner or drinks. So I emailed him thursdya or friday and asked when he was going to be around. He emailed me today and said he'd be here tomorrow (sunday) and drive up from San Diego if I'm free...I don't want to sleep with him and it could totally turn out to be that expectaion. we're both single...we've been out drininking and being stupid in the past, but he was always humping Marie's leg. I can't get a group together on a Sunday night. I can just flake, not call, not email. But the other thing is I have nothing to do tomorrow night. I'll flake unless theirs a 2nd message. Also have totally flaked on the last online guy. Basically fuck that guy. I don't care.

Apparently I am tina fey...date at the batting cages, first date sex, then romance. I should sue.

stuff

Tets is home! It was great to see him, had some drinks with a group from work then out to dinner w matt nancy and jose. just feel totally normal with him back...a few times especially in the last week I wanted to discuss work stuff with him and he wasn't around. I want to tell him lots of stuff about SCG and everything else, but I guess I didn't really miss him. Which is also good.

Had too much sushi, just enough beer and sake and now home watching Mad Men which I am enjoying regularly. Works OK...went to Spin with a different instructor today which was a good change and gym w jenn and ev in the morning. I apologized to Evelyn this am, she didn't think twice about it, so that's good.

A couple of emails w SCG today, just feel good about where it's at, hopefully it will stay where it's at or move on a bit.

I should be working

And I am mostly...getting ready for a meeting in a bit, installing some new stuff. It's called multitasking. So mornings with 2 kids in school are a little hectic, I gotta get my shit together the night before, otherwise I'm too grouchy and Little Miss doesn't need that. I haven't worked out since Thursday, Saturday if you count Kayaking...I probably won't make it today either, too much work and Gramma Jan sent Bella $50 that she needs to spend when I get off work.

I still hate online dating. I apparently I've answered the eharmony questions in the white trash category and I am getting all 45 yr old inland empire types with mustaches. Like I said it feels like that's how I view myself. I can't stand it. I did see a cute guy on match, but my profile is so sucky and I have no desire to revisit it. ANYWAY. SCG called yesterday which was a nice surprise, talked about kids/work nothing earth shattering...I called him back after investigating a former coworkers current status, he didn't answer, left a message, he called right back. I am not sure about some of the stuff I said in chat the other night, good move or bad, but my moves are old and dusty so it's all I got.

Post with No Title

I got some lingering stuff done today. Taxes, stuff for the lawyer, it gave me a headache and will cost me about 4k but it's better to be done. I have to decide if I'm gonna ask Krypt to pay 1/2 the taxes or not. I went to the movies with JD to see the Dark Night in Imax and the movie died about 35 min in. I'll never see the end of it. It was a little datish but he's funny so of course he was making it as awkward as possible.

These nights are the toughest...no kids, phone doesn't ring, I really really tried to just sit with it tonight. I made it about an hour without checking the PC...and here I am. I don't know what I want to happen but it feels useless to even name it, it feels like I gotta take my medicine for a while. I am not sure why I feel like that. Even when I want to name SCG or something similar it's feels like I shouldn't ask.

I IM'd for a long time with SCG last night, not at home w wife which was good news, but as I already knew whanting something to grow from what it was a month ago cannot happen by my will alone. So remember I have to chill. I forgot to mention how hideous online dating is...each site is worse than the last it makes me feel like I have no self respect, like I am what the sites are. Right back to how am I supposed to meet someone of quality.

I might get up really early and ride before I take keith to school, I have to be at the lawyer at 10 and it's about an hour away...I might be able to do it after I take him...730 to 815? not sure I gotta leave by 915. Then work, then lather rinse repeat.

Saturday and I'm not

drinking alone! yay! I guess I don't need a 12 step program yet. I went kayaking today with Mark, Ethan and JD and Bella. It was fun, just cruised around for 2 hrs. I got a blister. Mark is telling his wife it's done tonight. She moved out and wanted to work on her self and then the marriage and of course Mark was acting single. I guess one of her friends saw him out. ouch. Anyway he's in full change mode, shaving his chest...WTF? Super queer, he was pretty happy to have his shirt off today too, awkward. After Ethan JD Bella and I went to blue water grill and then she and I came home and hung out, laundry, Ed came over for a beer, she ate and then went to the bookstore. Hopefully I bought something worth reading, the last few have sucked. She's in bed now, and I'm watching the wire then bed for me. She's getting a hair cut in the AM I have class, and then she's going to her Dads. I'm not sure what I'll do in the evening, I still have the taxes which have to be done by the end of the month...but I'd rather ride the bike or do anything else.

I am so predictable

So I guess I'll be writing about the only thing I seem to write about...SCG emailed me for a while last, I was telling him I had a crappy day and was drinking alone...I said Hey. I called you today. Another item on my crappy list. He was all apologetic...I'm terrible with voice mail/phone, didn't check messages, don't take it personally. Said he'd call today, but he hasn't. Not looking good if it's 2 hrs ahead there. I'm getting that he might be right in some areas and not others, but I still feel gross about the one line thing and I always hate passing the 1 month mark with out sex...which I have passed. ugh, I didn't really realize that I was trying to keep something alive that happened a month ago. sad sad sad. blurg. Tomorrow Kayaking. I need to clean up the house as they're meeting me here, but I think I'll go to sleep and get up in the morning to do it.

Thursday

I went on a bike ride today with the Sand Canyon group, I think the ride is done because its getting dark too early. But we did 20 miles in 1 hr 15 min. I was dead last which made me feel like shit until I realized how far we went in what amount of time. I need to try and do some other group rides because I am not a good judge of my effort when I am alone. Also I may not be able to do the ride in Oct because of fing work...they are asking me to be in Japan on Oct 13 which would require departing on 12 or 11. Fuck!

So I am so very gay I called SCG (super cute guy) and...he didn't answer...and I left a message....and no return call. He sent an email with me in bcc about some old work shit...but now I am learning that the rules are there for a reason. Whatever. I'm home alone, kids with Krypt, and I should shower and go to bed...gonna finish a glass of wine and watch some DVR and mostly will a personal email to arrive, you know Thursday.

doood

I am still not sleeping well. It's 530 am and I've been wasting time online, reading and watching TV for an hour or 2. I am a little obsessed with Katt Williams...saw it on HBO over the weekend, and it's on again right now. It totally makes me laugh out loud. So Yeah I was reading all the old posts and again I am giving way to much time and attention to 1 element of me. So I have to make a point to find other stuff.

I need some good books to read. I have been through so many lately, and the new crop isn't holding my attention. I'd also like to take a moment and appreciate some of my hard work. I am changing my body and that has been something I haven't been able to accomplish until now. I am working hard at it and have made it a total priority. yay me.
JD's in town and wants to go kyaking this weekend, I am totally up for it, but I don't really wanna go alone with him. Maybe I can get Jenn and Ev to go too. I miss Tets! If he were here it would be a given, he'd go with.

So tonights gonna hurt if I've been up this long. We'll see how the day goes.

again

Why is it that I just can't accept the fact that I am lonely? It's not a question someone can answer, it's simply a state, it exists, perhaps indefinitely. It's kind of like I'm tired, but I can't sleep, not a lot anyone can do about that, but I guess you know you'll sleep eventually. I don't know when I'll realize that actions don't really change the state. Emailing super cute guy late at night...suggested IM, he declines, It's late, I gotta get to bed. I don't know what on earth would possess me to ask for rejection but I never stop doing it. It's really sad, like being overweight and binge eating, at some point you just gotta stop.
I don't know why it even makes me sad, but it does. It feels like I have 2 options, keep putting myself out there and feel pain, or retreat and feel bitterness. fuck it. done. sad. over it.

Can't Sleep

It's 2:30, I'm watching a fairly crappy movie on pay per view and wondering if I should try to sleep more. Everything I need to do is going through my mind for tomorrow....groceries...gym etc. I'm hungry too, but there's not much food here and I already ate a bag of cheetos. Very Britney Spears, I should start smoking.

I am seeing myself looking for something in other people almost all of the time, then when they don't provide what I think I need I am disappointed. What about not wanting something ? What about taking what is given as it comes? I don't know. It's not about anyone else clearly, but extracting one from the other is messy. I am tired of all of this, it's almost exactly like masturbation...satisfying to a degree, but then not so much. OK I feel like I should pull myself out of this. What about the bike and those great feelings? What about seeing Dennis, Ethan, Tets and being happy to be their friend and seeing the same in them? What about Bella in my bed just wanting to have her hand on me...what about the beautiful full moon waiting for me. What else? How do I become my own first choice?