My spelling is terrible

I probably spelled something in that sentence incorrectly. I am sitting at home with Bella, Keith's at a friends. All is well. Still eating like an idiot, but for Fucks Sake it's Feb. I can rebound. So tomorrow back to work and back to bringing my lunch etc. The tough part is I pretty much do want to eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of wine every night. My life style is slowly inching towards it. Didn't do the bike ride this weekend. Thought it was going to rain, so called it off. Glad I did because I just needed to be home, but it was a perfect day, so a bit of a loss. Feel bad for Tets especially because he bought a bike! And then I canceled! I suck!

Nan was at Sarah's this weekend so all me and all kids all 4 days, which is pretty chill actually. Not a lot of issues. X keeps calling, he's in Italy for a convention and doesn't want to stay until his return date. I called and tried to make flight changes for him, but not allowed, he did the same, not allowed. Not sure you can go wrong with a few days in Italy, but whatever.

I have this Wisonsin Vacation still planned. Should've tried to get out of it just because of the money. Betting Marie and BF will flake, may just be me and Chris which might be lovely...but might be cabin fever...In that case not sure, take a kid? Take Sarah?

Eating behavior is really bad, obviously emotional, obviously not controlling it, so just hoping I can get back on track tomorrow. Want to go to the gym but not sure about the work craziness.

So no men, pretty OK with it, seems like I just struggled for a year to surrender to what I didn't want. I knew that was the case, but felt like I could push it somewhere else. I didn't and now I'm over it. Work is still a buch of bullshit, just bad. Rich keeps sending me job postings...so I'm going to look into them.

I'm still here,

I am just sitting in the Admirals Club at LHR returning from Ireland. The vacation was good, a bit surprisingly. I guess you can't go wrong with it really, but I was a bit worried about hanging out with Jen and JP the whole time, we did fine. Going home has me feeling the road trip malaise, I guess it's bound to happen. I don't want to go back to work, it so incredibly fucked, just the feeling, not the actual work, but the new boss is such a dick. It just never stops. I just realized how much anxiety it's creating in my life. It makes everything feel shitty.

I am of course feeling a bit sad about my current status. It's been 6 months since scg, I still FB stalk him. No prospects in sight (except the 69 year old irish man who was very aggressive), no end in sight really. Ron gave me some good advice-don't go looking for it, let it come to you. Ihate what it does to my head the most, makes me feel fat, all kids of bad stuff which may or may not be true, but is always brought on by this state and just kind of circles the drain from their. Work, fat, alone...I hate giving in to it, but it just clouds up my head.

I am very happy to be going home. Can't wait to see the kids, of course got some shitty txt from x about some confrontation he had w keith. I think I am going to easy on Keith and it's making him cocky. We'll see what his account is. I need to find a way to motivate him more.

After all that time w no posts, that is that I guess. Busy week ahead, 1 night in las vegas, bike ride, shitty work vibe. I'm just going to fake that and see if it helps.

Today is good

Today is all about today and it's all good. I don't really give a fuck if I am where I was in Feb. I guess that's where i am supposed to be. I am thinking about forgiveness and it's necessity in every moment unceasingly and so I will forgive myself unceasingly. Went to gym this am...was good...went to movies with keith...was good...rained too much yesterday to ride my bike today, hopefully tomorrow it's on!

I think sometimes I think my optimism is naive or misguided or fake but just for right now it's not. I want to be lots of things better than I am now, but I am also pretty awesome as is. So I am embracing the optimism, the knowledge that I can and will, and it's out there. Sometimes I can't but for today I can and that is something to smile about and something to pray to replicate. I may not have all that I want, but I can work for anything, I can have what I've got and love it. I can be where I am and smile. Today is good.

Tomorrow I need strength and patience. Dinner with Mom and X-double trouble-also scg's bday...I am thinking no nothing on that, no FB, no email...I will have strength and patience and if I struggle that's OK too, I will forgive myself and others unceasingly tomorrow.

Keith went to mongolian bbq and loved it. He's such a good boy!!! Can't wait to eat there w him...so delicious.

IDK

I guess sometimes are hard and that's OK. I am not sure what's gotten into me tonight. Going to the movies alone isn't so bad, but also isn't the best. Kids were making me a bit crazy today. X did something nice for me which seems crazy, gave me a CD that he had at work that he thought I'd like, and I do. I have never ever doubted my decision, and I am not now either, but it's kinda of weird to have him be the person doing something nice. It's hard when there's no one calling all day to say hey. I don't want to wallow, I want to "return to myself/I am safe". I want to forgive myself for craving and not being exactly where I am, but it's not that easy sometimes. I feel like I have been doing great, genuinely, but maybe it's just a release valve. I am not so much struggling for a man/mate/match, but just struggling a little. I guess I'm entitled, I just don't really like it all that much. Thank God for the bike, better than Prozac or therapy...thank goodness for movies, and food, and my freedom. I am very grateful for my freedom in so many ways, thought, actions, time, it's more than I knew was out there. So I guess I'll go to sleep....tomorrow trainer! and another day to start over (especially on eating....first day of the rest of my life).

Not a lot is going on w me

Just chilling at home this AM....kids kids kids. This is Keith's last restricted weekend, he did well yesterday, cleaned his room, got his act together. It's too much to have them both home all the time, I always end up yelling at someone. Little miss lost another tooth last night. I had Tets Ethan and Mac over and we made all the noodles I brought home from Japan. It was good. I ate too much. I gotta get that under control ASAP. No need paying for the trainer if I'm eating like a jerk. I am getting Lasiks on Thursday! OMG-No more glasses or contacts! No more contacts+toothpaste business trips. I have really been enjoying the weekends at home, just doing what I want is pretty cool. Keith told me his dad was talking to him about the divorce and went off on how he hated my friends, and I didn't invite him to do stuff, and didn't do stuff with him and his friends. I told keith he was right, but if you knew someone hated your friends would you want to invite them to do stuff? would you start to think that he hated you too...if you liked your friends and they like you? Keith was fine, but a little disconcerting that x would bring up such biased comments. I've got that stuff on lock down.

any way pretty much all is well...might go to the movies alone tonight, might go to yoga. I think it will be too dark to ride my bike by the time the kids are both gone. I could go to gym then movies...that's the plan.

Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment. I always go back for more of the same. Today I was reading ex's myspace messages and found what I was looking for...him talking shit about me. I truly should not care, he's telling someone how I cheated and how I deserve the same life as my friends. In a seperate message he's talking about getting drunk at la cave (WTF?) and fucking all kinds of girls...not the same as cheating, but all the shit about the friends. Dude, you are doing what you hated me for. 98% of the time I don't even think about him, nor did I for the last year of the marriage, but everyone wants to be understood, and in this case I am not sure what I want. Nothing from him. I have lots of recognition that my truth is real from the outside world. I think sometimes of how did I get along with him for so long and how did the relationship move from one phase to the next? How did I make all of those decisions and live all of those years without learning anything that applies to the real world now. That part is crazy. It's been tough to find someone to talk about this stuff with...obviously Stevie Nicks is the right person, but there's a pattern there of I'm either a mess tell me I'm not, or Look I'm not a mess. It's hard to remember what comes up in between. I think part of believes that's what a relationship might offer, but really I am scared to death of telling someone with potential about this mess. I almost wish Ex could read all of this and know it's not all black and white, but in the 20 years it as only black and white. It all comes around to the fact that you can have a plan and work a plan, but it does not impact anyone but you... all my flipping out, all my struggeling is all mine, created by me, executed by me, witnessed by me. I've been here before, I wish I remembered the way out. Sheer will, distraction and maybe a little luck. I hope I haven't used all of mine.

I haven't heard from SCG since Tuesday which fucking sucks but it is so part of the aforementioned struggeling alone. I finally was able to explain it, it's not that he's the one, it's not "him" its the list of qualities vs. the list of prospects in the past. Facts (ie the plan) just tell me they can't be replicated, but I can't make it happen from just sheer will, he has to participate. Which is really interesting because I have always beleived that I made everything happen with ex work husband by sheer will, I forced it, he didn't actively particpate, he just failed to say no. Which is not true, I think I say that to prevent myself from feeling hurt that it didn't work, or that it may have been the real thing. Which I believed at the time, but don't now. We're both fine in different directions and when I see him there is the curiosity of How Did That Happen....how did we escape and survive. I hadn't really put that together before...He didn't fail to say no...he cared too and it still wouldn't have worked.

So what now? I really don't know, no clue. Currently shopping, drinking, exercising, working, blog fill some void, really just fill the hours, but I am doing my best. That I can say for sure. That has to be enough for me.

WTF Is Going On With Me Today?

I have a lot of anxiety today. Maybe it's lack of sleep, I am channeling it all at work, like things are bad, or things are going to be bad next week. It's not logical, there's no new information or reasons to think that's the case. If I could I'd have a stiff drink and take a nap and see if that killed it, but child care prevents alcohol related strategies. So I am doing some work, hoping that will take the edge off. Like if I have my arms around it, it will feel better. Oy! Arggg! AHHH! Blurg! I don't know what the fuck is going on with me today. I went to the gym w jenn and evelyn, then breakfast, that was all good. Then Bella and I went to Target and I've been home for an hour and a half or so doing some work. Still have to go to the grocery store...I also have to get a bunch of paperwork together for the lawyer and get the taxes done...maybe it's all of that and being home and knowing I gotta get it together. It does seem like a lot of crappy stuff when I write it out. baby steps...

Home!

I am home! I didn't write while in Japan with Keith. 3 days no computer and I don't want him watching/reading all of this. So we are home. It was so great to be there with Keith. We went to Matsuyama which is where they have the oldest Onsen in Japan, the one that Spirited Away is based on. It was really cool, we stayed at an Onsen too, all in 1 room with special room service girl. It was cool. Keith and Tets got along with no issue, really glad Keith could see that there's nothing to hide. Then we went to Osaka and Nara. Nara was great, I was really glad to be in the presence of the big budda, lots of magic. Then back to Tokyo, a little work and then the flight home.

I am so tired now, but have 6 hrs to go to stay awake.

Lots of emails with super cute guy. He's doing an Ironman in Oct in Texas, and I'll be there for transform, so definitely going to cheer him on. I want him to call me, that would make me feel like it's mutual. A few too many drunk emails initiated by me over the last 2 weeks. I thought a lot about what's going on during the flight home. It's all good and I know I want to pursue things with him, he simply makes me completely disinterested in anyone else. But I also know I can't do all the work, and I can see how me initiating could be a total turn off. I also know I need to be on my own when I'm alone and not filling my mind what if's. I was thinking about what I want. I want to be someone's #1, and I want to be my own #1. So I am working on that!