My spelling is terrible

I probably spelled something in that sentence incorrectly. I am sitting at home with Bella, Keith's at a friends. All is well. Still eating like an idiot, but for Fucks Sake it's Feb. I can rebound. So tomorrow back to work and back to bringing my lunch etc. The tough part is I pretty much do want to eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of wine every night. My life style is slowly inching towards it. Didn't do the bike ride this weekend. Thought it was going to rain, so called it off. Glad I did because I just needed to be home, but it was a perfect day, so a bit of a loss. Feel bad for Tets especially because he bought a bike! And then I canceled! I suck!

Nan was at Sarah's this weekend so all me and all kids all 4 days, which is pretty chill actually. Not a lot of issues. X keeps calling, he's in Italy for a convention and doesn't want to stay until his return date. I called and tried to make flight changes for him, but not allowed, he did the same, not allowed. Not sure you can go wrong with a few days in Italy, but whatever.

I have this Wisonsin Vacation still planned. Should've tried to get out of it just because of the money. Betting Marie and BF will flake, may just be me and Chris which might be lovely...but might be cabin fever...In that case not sure, take a kid? Take Sarah?

Eating behavior is really bad, obviously emotional, obviously not controlling it, so just hoping I can get back on track tomorrow. Want to go to the gym but not sure about the work craziness.

So no men, pretty OK with it, seems like I just struggled for a year to surrender to what I didn't want. I knew that was the case, but felt like I could push it somewhere else. I didn't and now I'm over it. Work is still a buch of bullshit, just bad. Rich keeps sending me job postings...so I'm going to look into them.

I'm still here,

I am just sitting in the Admirals Club at LHR returning from Ireland. The vacation was good, a bit surprisingly. I guess you can't go wrong with it really, but I was a bit worried about hanging out with Jen and JP the whole time, we did fine. Going home has me feeling the road trip malaise, I guess it's bound to happen. I don't want to go back to work, it so incredibly fucked, just the feeling, not the actual work, but the new boss is such a dick. It just never stops. I just realized how much anxiety it's creating in my life. It makes everything feel shitty.

I am of course feeling a bit sad about my current status. It's been 6 months since scg, I still FB stalk him. No prospects in sight (except the 69 year old irish man who was very aggressive), no end in sight really. Ron gave me some good advice-don't go looking for it, let it come to you. Ihate what it does to my head the most, makes me feel fat, all kids of bad stuff which may or may not be true, but is always brought on by this state and just kind of circles the drain from their. Work, fat, alone...I hate giving in to it, but it just clouds up my head.

I am very happy to be going home. Can't wait to see the kids, of course got some shitty txt from x about some confrontation he had w keith. I think I am going to easy on Keith and it's making him cocky. We'll see what his account is. I need to find a way to motivate him more.

After all that time w no posts, that is that I guess. Busy week ahead, 1 night in las vegas, bike ride, shitty work vibe. I'm just going to fake that and see if it helps.

Weird Day

Today is odd. Got some yucky stuff done at work, just stuff I've been procrastinating on, for no good reason of course. No one's really here, all my peeps are on Vacation. Chilling in the office and Ev comes in and says she needs my help. She's drunk! No shame in drunk at work (ok a little, but who am I to judge). But she's supposed to be off the wagon, like the real deal off. So I took her to Starbucks, listened, tried, way above my pay scale or area of expertise. Ended up spilling my guts to her about EZ...just in the regard of we're all f'd up, people do things they regret, that have bad consequences etc etc etc. I offered to go to a meeting w her tonight but she said she's going to go work out. Dude, I did my best. I hope I didn't hurt anything.

What else...Keith is being a total spoiled shit about walking home from school F that guy. Saying the worst things about Bella and to me. Not going to stand for it.

Wasted most of the day away, not much to show for it or say. Oh yeah, I did work out this AM so that's good....tomorrow spin, maybe trainer again. Wednesday I am hoping it doesnt rain so I can ride my bike all day but we'll see.

Voldemort

Work sucks right now. The atmosphere is going down hill. Boss is complaining openly and with great hostility about voldemort. It's nothing I didn't already believe but totally disheartening to hear it. What if he leaves? Who's my buffer? HTF would I get through that? We'll see. Tets was in my office for the full dump by boss, part of me never wanted him to know, but the other part of me was glad. First thing he said, was is this what's been going on for the last 2 weeks...I said yes...he said..OK I get what's going on with you. Relieved that he gets it. Last couple of nights I've had the worst headache...I know it's work but also sinuses.

I was supposed to go to see Black Crows w marie tomorrow night and it's cancelled! WTF? Is that allowed? I'm still going to drive up, we'll have dinner and I'll meet the dog. A little glad I won't be out so late.

I'm not sure about anything else really. SCG pretty much out of touch...I txt'd he replied by email, but both mine and his one liners...voldemort quote. I know what to ask for, I know what I want, I want it to be him but that parts hard to say. I want all big things, I want to be all in and I want someone to like it and give it back. That part feels emotional, afraid of someone not wanting it. The human condition. Deleted all profiles though, so that's a good thing. Even in all the frustration of work and kids of the last few days/weeks I always know I want a boyfriend. I want someone to give a fuck. We'll see...we'll see...we'll see. Next week Vegas w Marie!!! Fun! fun! Fun! Can't wait. A little work and I hope a lot of fun.

stuff

Tets is home! It was great to see him, had some drinks with a group from work then out to dinner w matt nancy and jose. just feel totally normal with him back...a few times especially in the last week I wanted to discuss work stuff with him and he wasn't around. I want to tell him lots of stuff about SCG and everything else, but I guess I didn't really miss him. Which is also good.

Had too much sushi, just enough beer and sake and now home watching Mad Men which I am enjoying regularly. Works OK...went to Spin with a different instructor today which was a good change and gym w jenn and ev in the morning. I apologized to Evelyn this am, she didn't think twice about it, so that's good.

A couple of emails w SCG today, just feel good about where it's at, hopefully it will stay where it's at or move on a bit.

I should be working

And I am mostly...getting ready for a meeting in a bit, installing some new stuff. It's called multitasking. So mornings with 2 kids in school are a little hectic, I gotta get my shit together the night before, otherwise I'm too grouchy and Little Miss doesn't need that. I haven't worked out since Thursday, Saturday if you count Kayaking...I probably won't make it today either, too much work and Gramma Jan sent Bella $50 that she needs to spend when I get off work.

I still hate online dating. I apparently I've answered the eharmony questions in the white trash category and I am getting all 45 yr old inland empire types with mustaches. Like I said it feels like that's how I view myself. I can't stand it. I did see a cute guy on match, but my profile is so sucky and I have no desire to revisit it. ANYWAY. SCG called yesterday which was a nice surprise, talked about kids/work nothing earth shattering...I called him back after investigating a former coworkers current status, he didn't answer, left a message, he called right back. I am not sure about some of the stuff I said in chat the other night, good move or bad, but my moves are old and dusty so it's all I got.

Thursday

I went on a bike ride today with the Sand Canyon group, I think the ride is done because its getting dark too early. But we did 20 miles in 1 hr 15 min. I was dead last which made me feel like shit until I realized how far we went in what amount of time. I need to try and do some other group rides because I am not a good judge of my effort when I am alone. Also I may not be able to do the ride in Oct because of fing work...they are asking me to be in Japan on Oct 13 which would require departing on 12 or 11. Fuck!

So I am so very gay I called SCG (super cute guy) and...he didn't answer...and I left a message....and no return call. He sent an email with me in bcc about some old work shit...but now I am learning that the rules are there for a reason. Whatever. I'm home alone, kids with Krypt, and I should shower and go to bed...gonna finish a glass of wine and watch some DVR and mostly will a personal email to arrive, you know Thursday.

WTF Is Going On With Me Today?

I have a lot of anxiety today. Maybe it's lack of sleep, I am channeling it all at work, like things are bad, or things are going to be bad next week. It's not logical, there's no new information or reasons to think that's the case. If I could I'd have a stiff drink and take a nap and see if that killed it, but child care prevents alcohol related strategies. So I am doing some work, hoping that will take the edge off. Like if I have my arms around it, it will feel better. Oy! Arggg! AHHH! Blurg! I don't know what the fuck is going on with me today. I went to the gym w jenn and evelyn, then breakfast, that was all good. Then Bella and I went to Target and I've been home for an hour and a half or so doing some work. Still have to go to the grocery store...I also have to get a bunch of paperwork together for the lawyer and get the taxes done...maybe it's all of that and being home and knowing I gotta get it together. It does seem like a lot of crappy stuff when I write it out. baby steps...

I Heart My Bike

I was so missing my bike while I was gone and today I got out for about 24 miles, may have been 28 as I'm still not taking any gear with me. It was awesome, my legs remembered what to do and felt happy to be doing it, hills were tough as usual but the whole thing just made me feel happy to be alive, the best! When you're working hard, the song is right, your mind is there it was totally happening today :) Tomorrow going to the gym with Jenn and hopefully Evelyn, happy to be back on track. Bella met her teacher today, she seems super sweet and Bella's at ease with the whole thing. Super cute guy is emailing, but asked him to call, we'll see if he does. Makes me a little suspicious of the marital status, knowing me it probably wouldn't matter, but I need to know to adjust expectations. I canceled all my online stuff, so that's a good step. I'm gonna break out my sewing and keep my hands and mind busy. You know who is awesome? Dennis's gf, she emails and has great advice and insights. I appreciate her friendliness. You know what isn't so awesome? work didn't pay me commission this month, or anyone else apparently. Not really prepared to go with 1/2 my pay. I know I'll pull it off, but just the arrogance of it all....I can barely swing it. With all the people leaving you'd think they could pay those of us who are left. I am suddenly very sleepy...bike+beer+internet+jet lag. I think I should spice up the blog w pics etc but since I have no audience it may not that important.

Updates!

I just got up from a nap...the consequences of getting up at 430 after going to bed after 12. It's really lucky the schedules flexible this trip. We are going to see our candidate again tomorrow and then finally get Keith. I haven't talked to him in going on 3 days which is hard. Last night back to our bar, but present was one of our least favorite singers. A girl who is good, but just not the same soul as the rest, and she seems to be doing it for attention vs. love of the game, especially in English, but better in Japanese. Afterwards came back to the room and lots of lovely emails with super cute guy. Initiated by him asking how my meetings went. I had sent him the link to the video from the night before and he commented on Bella, I didn't know how he saw her, but there's another public photo album with pics of here. sweet about me, my eyes, smile etc. You can just never get enough of that. I said I really didn't want him to change jobs, that he and I had stuff to do...he didn't know what I meant so I had to explain further, after I already thought I said too much, but just came out with, we should spend more time together, and get to know each other better. He said we can do that no matter what, which was obviously the right thing to hear. So I'm just trying to be where that is, not 10 steps ahead. I can't believe I am going to be here for 6 more days...I am hoping its not too much time for Keith, that we don't feel over it.

Lots and Lots of Little Stuff

Working here yesterday in the Kofax office was the longest de ja vu ever...it lasted all day. I always imagined doing it, and then it just was happening, not in the super exciting look at my dreams come true way, just strangely in a real time memory. I talked to Keith yesterday, he's bored, I kinda get it, no TV, no easy communication, but day after tomorrow it's on! He said they went to the Hot Springs, I asked him how it was, and he said "There were dicks everywhere" which made me laugh so hard. I am not sure about a visit to the Onsen, but I want to go, so fuck it. Also Ikeda-san's wife's grandmother died, and there is a funeral which in Japan consists of a viewing, a trip to the crematorium as a family watching the body go in to the kiln, then waiting for it to be burned, then back to the kiln to take parts of the remains and put them into an Urn from bottom to top with chopsticks. I guess the clavicle bone goes in last and it looks like a buddah, then they seal the urn. Doood! Heavy shit. Keith was supposed to stay home with the son, but Tets called Ikeda and asked him to take him---not so sure about that, but I am sure not too many westerners see that.

The candidate we interviewed yesterday might be the right one. He is Japanese but born in Belgium!!! Can you believe that? So crazy. He's a little awkward and needy, but that's a good thing when you want someone to work hard. He's regarded as arrogant here which is so strange, last thing I'd use to describe him. They use Agencies here exclusively to hire, so we met with the rep from the Agency, who was from Buhtan, so interesting. I wanted to talk to him forever, I wanted him to take me there immediately. We went to dinner with the Kofax Japan peeps and then took them to Penguin Jacks which is undoubtedly the best bar in the world. Maybe a drank a little much...the soju strategy is good for calories but that shit sneaks up on you. I was feeling a little yucky this AM but it has passed. I did some heavy lifting for work today, so feeling productive, in the room to cool off and so Tets can nap--gotta keep him in good health this trip.

Still emailing with super cute guy which feels sweet. We'll see if it sustains. He's definitely in for the bike ride, so I can look forward to that. I was explaining the Buhtan thing and he had tried to go there, spent a month around everest about 10 years ago...nice surprise. Crazy that he has a brain, kinda artsy, liberal, and works in the same industry. Anyway I don't need to make him any better than he is, that's just leading to the wrong expectations. I sent him a link to a video of last night, we'll see if he watches. He asked me what exactly it is that I do, which made me laugh. Eat, drink, hang out with Tets, site see..you know average work week.

It's Admirals Club Time!!

Wow! Exciting! Admirals Club! I never thought I'd see inside one of these....
I am waiting to depart to Japan...then a little work and then get Keith! I am starting to totally miss him. Read funny messages from his friends, they are missing him too. What else? Went for a short bike ride then finished getting ready to go. I was really floundering on the bike ride, getting out of bed etc. So glad I did, just around the back bay, less than an hour, but reminded me what I love about the bike, which I haven't seen for the last few rides. Went home and stretched, (before also), so the back is better, preparing to sit in coach for 10+ hours-yuck. Upgrade price went up to $400!!! Doood! I cant afford that shit. I gotta budget better so I can pay it-work isn't covering it any more. I think after this trip I'll be executive platinum so should get some free ones. That's about it...feeling OK otherwise.