Weird Day

Today is odd. Got some yucky stuff done at work, just stuff I've been procrastinating on, for no good reason of course. No one's really here, all my peeps are on Vacation. Chilling in the office and Ev comes in and says she needs my help. She's drunk! No shame in drunk at work (ok a little, but who am I to judge). But she's supposed to be off the wagon, like the real deal off. So I took her to Starbucks, listened, tried, way above my pay scale or area of expertise. Ended up spilling my guts to her about EZ...just in the regard of we're all f'd up, people do things they regret, that have bad consequences etc etc etc. I offered to go to a meeting w her tonight but she said she's going to go work out. Dude, I did my best. I hope I didn't hurt anything.

What else...Keith is being a total spoiled shit about walking home from school F that guy. Saying the worst things about Bella and to me. Not going to stand for it.

Wasted most of the day away, not much to show for it or say. Oh yeah, I did work out this AM so that's good....tomorrow spin, maybe trainer again. Wednesday I am hoping it doesnt rain so I can ride my bike all day but we'll see.

I don't know.

Today and last night I am not so good. I knew I'd get frustrated after all the solo kid time, and so I am. Frustrated about a lot of things. Not sure why things are the way they are. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was last Feb. January was a lot of activity...x out of the house, training, early Feb was good too, sex we strangers, bike ride. And here I am. I really feel like crying. I am happier now, I try to think about the way it would be if x was still here, it would be so bad, so frustrating, so full of self abuse. What did I really think it was going to be like? I wish Stevie Nicks would have told me that I had to do it, but it was going to be really hard, harder than I thought for as long as I can imagine. That's what it seems like. I guess it's OK. I wish I could make a plan and work the plan to make things different. I feel like I've been trying to do that but with no clear course and no results. I am trying to be open to optimism where I can find it. I went to breakfast with Evelyn yesterday and was telling her that I am working out twice a day a few days a week, her comment was nice and optimistic, "When else will you have the opportunity to to that? It's a special time" I think that's true. I also have to get eating under control for some more results. I'm trying to think of other things I've accomplished...I am not so dependent on Tets, that's good. I've been full court press on Keith and it's working, that's good. IDK....I need something else, then the Buddhist in me says the lesson is not to need but to have what I have fully. I just don't know.

Some stuff

Has happened since the last post, so that's good. Still looking to bury the details of that BS. Went out with a meet up group of girls on Sat. night...drinks/appetizers and more drinks at a 2nd location. Very NB, and seems unlikely that I'll meet the right guy for me in a bar, but totally could've been so much worse. Girls were nice, easy to talk to, I'd do it again, not as a every week, but once a month for sure.

Still working out like crazy, but not loosing weight, eating randomly, but weighing myself today kinda set me straight. Need to buy lots of fruits and veggies and stick to bringing my lunch.


I guess I thought there was more to say. Some interesting facebook stuff...Old friends with nice things to say. The random coworker who read the blog...always makes me blush thinking of that. I'm trying to call Chris once a week or so....just to stay in touch, alway a laugh, always super sweet.

Date tonight with Match guy. Either you never know, or you can never have enough rejection in your life. Whatever.

There was some other stuff with X and Keith, but it's more of the same. Sad. Makes me focused on staying connected to Keith, spending time with him. He and I went to dinner alone last night, Target, School, this morning too. It was nice. He's a good boy, good heart. Grades are mixed but comming up. Hopefully I can pull of getting this kid into college. That's what it's all about.

hey

Not a lot going on. Still not going to read the old posts. I'm trying to wait up for good TV to start at 9, so wasting time on facebook etc. I have a hard time understanding how I dont get a call or a message or how I am possibly (uncertain) deleted from chat (not that I didn't do the same things) but what did I do wrong? I understand if he's not ready for anything, I get that he's not the right person for me. 100% get that, but still is hard to resolve the other stuff. What did I do? I was me...I was open...I was kind...I didn't drive it alone. So I have to figure out what's what on that...what I can learn, what I can improve, and what I just have to accept. Lots of gym...twice today, Monday AM, Tuesday, tomorrow afternoon. All good stuff. We're about to start training for the Feb Century, I can't believe a year ago we started training for the other one. I really hope there are marked improvements in my times and general feeling. Tets needs a bike!!! Trying some meet up groups to make new female friends so we'll see how that goes, supposed to go to drinks on Sat. Seems a little desperate housewives, but I gotta get out and give it a shot.

Just Because

I think I am posting just because I don't want to see the last few when I log in. Went to dinner with Tets at Shabu and waited a long time, but totally worth it. Nice to be somewhere comfortable with someone comfortable. Didn't talk about any of the other stuff, so that's good. Trying to really fake it then make it, fake letting joy in, fake optimisim, so I can remember what it feels like in the event of something worthy taking place.

Keith and Bella with their dad. Keith txting immediately about his dad taking bella's side. Hard stuff. Tomorrow early Gym, then work, back at it. I can see that I am not making a plan, working a plan to distract me from what's really happening. I think that's good.

ummm ya...WCS PII

Didn't show. I just really feel sad, I want someone to feel this with me, it's so fucked. I don't know if it's better or worse that Ethans here. With Tets I'd unload every detail, which is not so good, but with ethan I dont. I hate that he would talk to me on the phone for 2 hrs last night, I hate that he didn't call just no show. I hate that this is not the first time and I didn't protect myself from it. I guess thats the bottom line. I feel like life is getting lonlier and it should go the other way. WTF am I going to talk to ethan about through another meal alone? so f'd

IDK

I don't really get my last post. Whatevs. Election Day! I wasn't going to look up the stats, and I started too and now it's making me a little crazy. Went and saw Stevie Nicks today which was good, lots of kindness around scg and lots of great advice about Keith and x. So trying not to get wound up about scg and NY, doing OK. Just struggling a bit with reduced expecations (which I have) but also with potential. So we'll see. Lots to do in NY with our with out, work, food, shopping, Ethan will be there so won't have to die alone.

Sunday....home, tired, sleepy eyes. I was out late last night for the reunion and then Shelagh, Angelica and Chris over here for a while. time change makes the whole day seem so lazy and long. Bella's playing with play doh, Keith went to stay overnight at a friends. Bella will go to her dads soon. I guess I'll do the usual and see a movie. thought of asking someone, Ethan or Tets, but I may just want to go to bed early. But then I'll be up early, then I'll be tired all day. I need to break the cycle! Thinking about scg in New York on Wednesday....we'll see. I don't feel anxious about it now, but feel a little sad already. Like I'm disapointing myself by thinking about it. Maybe it will work out, if it doesn't I totally get it and that's that. If it does work out, then the work begins for me on me. I'm ready for that. Either way.

Whatevs

I'm at work...can't you tell be the extensive work I am doing right now. Yesterday I went to spin which was awesome, great, chills, happiness, and then to the trainer in the evening, which was just hard. I had killed it at Spin and didn't have much left, but needed to go because Thursday is Lasiks which means no work out.

What else? Not a lot...the whole lonely vibe is still lingering, I have a whole lot of nothing going on. After some of this upcoming travel I need to try and get out more locally just for social reasons. No nothing from scg for a few days. No big woop, but a clear reminder I have a whole lot of nothing going on socially. Also I think my love affair with spin comes from all pent up sexual energy. Not sure what will happen with New York, betting he doesn't show. Whatever.

Leaving work early to take little miss to dance, she gets to wear her costume which will be fun. Tomorrow Lasiks.

IDK

I guess sometimes are hard and that's OK. I am not sure what's gotten into me tonight. Going to the movies alone isn't so bad, but also isn't the best. Kids were making me a bit crazy today. X did something nice for me which seems crazy, gave me a CD that he had at work that he thought I'd like, and I do. I have never ever doubted my decision, and I am not now either, but it's kinda of weird to have him be the person doing something nice. It's hard when there's no one calling all day to say hey. I don't want to wallow, I want to "return to myself/I am safe". I want to forgive myself for craving and not being exactly where I am, but it's not that easy sometimes. I feel like I have been doing great, genuinely, but maybe it's just a release valve. I am not so much struggling for a man/mate/match, but just struggling a little. I guess I'm entitled, I just don't really like it all that much. Thank God for the bike, better than Prozac or therapy...thank goodness for movies, and food, and my freedom. I am very grateful for my freedom in so many ways, thought, actions, time, it's more than I knew was out there. So I guess I'll go to sleep....tomorrow trainer! and another day to start over (especially on eating....first day of the rest of my life).

Not a lot is going on w me

Just chilling at home this AM....kids kids kids. This is Keith's last restricted weekend, he did well yesterday, cleaned his room, got his act together. It's too much to have them both home all the time, I always end up yelling at someone. Little miss lost another tooth last night. I had Tets Ethan and Mac over and we made all the noodles I brought home from Japan. It was good. I ate too much. I gotta get that under control ASAP. No need paying for the trainer if I'm eating like a jerk. I am getting Lasiks on Thursday! OMG-No more glasses or contacts! No more contacts+toothpaste business trips. I have really been enjoying the weekends at home, just doing what I want is pretty cool. Keith told me his dad was talking to him about the divorce and went off on how he hated my friends, and I didn't invite him to do stuff, and didn't do stuff with him and his friends. I told keith he was right, but if you knew someone hated your friends would you want to invite them to do stuff? would you start to think that he hated you too...if you liked your friends and they like you? Keith was fine, but a little disconcerting that x would bring up such biased comments. I've got that stuff on lock down.

any way pretty much all is well...might go to the movies alone tonight, might go to yoga. I think it will be too dark to ride my bike by the time the kids are both gone. I could go to gym then movies...that's the plan.

still shitty

so I'm devaluing myself by the minute and somehow accepting the IDK about the other girl...so back in my room and a message from 2 hrs ago to call him...call straight to vm....im...not available.

WTF

Open Letter to Blogger and My Future Boyfriend

So know the old blog is back and available....so sad, which one do I prefer, which one is gayer? It's a big gay tie. I guess I'm just gonna link from new to old, but I can't imagine I'm the only one with this issue.

So to my future boyfriend, who ever you are, SCG or yet to be known, a few things I feel I need to get off my chest.
1. You should plan on calling me everyday, just hey, not a lot of time. Maybe every other day. Please know special circumstance will apply to each of us.
2. I have a lot to offer, please be willing to receive it.
3. Please have a lot to offer
4. Basically I want to give a fuck about someone, and I want to know that someone gives a fuck about me. Simple. Sound OK?
5. Please don't make me go >30 days with out sex. It's not good for anyone
6. I promise I will think you're awesome and tell you, could you please let me know the same? (see #1-simple call lets me know)
7. whatever

Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment. I always go back for more of the same. Today I was reading ex's myspace messages and found what I was looking for...him talking shit about me. I truly should not care, he's telling someone how I cheated and how I deserve the same life as my friends. In a seperate message he's talking about getting drunk at la cave (WTF?) and fucking all kinds of girls...not the same as cheating, but all the shit about the friends. Dude, you are doing what you hated me for. 98% of the time I don't even think about him, nor did I for the last year of the marriage, but everyone wants to be understood, and in this case I am not sure what I want. Nothing from him. I have lots of recognition that my truth is real from the outside world. I think sometimes of how did I get along with him for so long and how did the relationship move from one phase to the next? How did I make all of those decisions and live all of those years without learning anything that applies to the real world now. That part is crazy. It's been tough to find someone to talk about this stuff with...obviously Stevie Nicks is the right person, but there's a pattern there of I'm either a mess tell me I'm not, or Look I'm not a mess. It's hard to remember what comes up in between. I think part of believes that's what a relationship might offer, but really I am scared to death of telling someone with potential about this mess. I almost wish Ex could read all of this and know it's not all black and white, but in the 20 years it as only black and white. It all comes around to the fact that you can have a plan and work a plan, but it does not impact anyone but you... all my flipping out, all my struggeling is all mine, created by me, executed by me, witnessed by me. I've been here before, I wish I remembered the way out. Sheer will, distraction and maybe a little luck. I hope I haven't used all of mine.

I haven't heard from SCG since Tuesday which fucking sucks but it is so part of the aforementioned struggeling alone. I finally was able to explain it, it's not that he's the one, it's not "him" its the list of qualities vs. the list of prospects in the past. Facts (ie the plan) just tell me they can't be replicated, but I can't make it happen from just sheer will, he has to participate. Which is really interesting because I have always beleived that I made everything happen with ex work husband by sheer will, I forced it, he didn't actively particpate, he just failed to say no. Which is not true, I think I say that to prevent myself from feeling hurt that it didn't work, or that it may have been the real thing. Which I believed at the time, but don't now. We're both fine in different directions and when I see him there is the curiosity of How Did That Happen....how did we escape and survive. I hadn't really put that together before...He didn't fail to say no...he cared too and it still wouldn't have worked.

So what now? I really don't know, no clue. Currently shopping, drinking, exercising, working, blog fill some void, really just fill the hours, but I am doing my best. That I can say for sure. That has to be enough for me.

Hi my name is Marni andso

I write about the same thing all the time and can't seem to break the cycle. Yep that's me. I was not liking work today...just the old PFU crap, do these tasks, jump through this hoop because we said so in Japanese. I remember how that was, really I saw I don't take too much home with me too often, but today I am. And I have less tolerance for all of it, less bandwidth for crap like that at home. So I came home and poured a big glass of wine, and am chilling w the laptop and the little miss and the Suite Life of Z and C which is so sucky but I don't watch...soon bath time, then bed time (not soon enough). I still don't get why someone cannot pick up the phone and say hey, why can't someone give a fuck about me? Do I want too much attention? probably...would I be OK with less than what I want...probably. Am I getting any of anything...not so much. I'm gonna have to go back to the internet soon at this rate. I don't call, the group email strategy is tired I want what I want. Fuckity fuck fuck

Saturday and I'm not

drinking alone! yay! I guess I don't need a 12 step program yet. I went kayaking today with Mark, Ethan and JD and Bella. It was fun, just cruised around for 2 hrs. I got a blister. Mark is telling his wife it's done tonight. She moved out and wanted to work on her self and then the marriage and of course Mark was acting single. I guess one of her friends saw him out. ouch. Anyway he's in full change mode, shaving his chest...WTF? Super queer, he was pretty happy to have his shirt off today too, awkward. After Ethan JD Bella and I went to blue water grill and then she and I came home and hung out, laundry, Ed came over for a beer, she ate and then went to the bookstore. Hopefully I bought something worth reading, the last few have sucked. She's in bed now, and I'm watching the wire then bed for me. She's getting a hair cut in the AM I have class, and then she's going to her Dads. I'm not sure what I'll do in the evening, I still have the taxes which have to be done by the end of the month...but I'd rather ride the bike or do anything else.

Thursday

I went on a bike ride today with the Sand Canyon group, I think the ride is done because its getting dark too early. But we did 20 miles in 1 hr 15 min. I was dead last which made me feel like shit until I realized how far we went in what amount of time. I need to try and do some other group rides because I am not a good judge of my effort when I am alone. Also I may not be able to do the ride in Oct because of fing work...they are asking me to be in Japan on Oct 13 which would require departing on 12 or 11. Fuck!

So I am so very gay I called SCG (super cute guy) and...he didn't answer...and I left a message....and no return call. He sent an email with me in bcc about some old work shit...but now I am learning that the rules are there for a reason. Whatever. I'm home alone, kids with Krypt, and I should shower and go to bed...gonna finish a glass of wine and watch some DVR and mostly will a personal email to arrive, you know Thursday.

So....

I am pretty sleepy right about now. Hopefully that's a good thing and I'll sleep all night. I went and saw Stevie Nicks today. It wasn't as amazing as it can be but it's always good to hear I'm not crazy. She always reminds me that there is a vacancy and as long as that exists my biology will drive me to fill it. That helps me understand the energy I put into super cute guy or online stuff or whatever.
So tonight I made dinner for the kids and I, drank a glass of whine (hence the sleepy). Little miss is getting tired...I hope she goes to sleep early. I don't think I'm gonna make it until after 9.

doood

I am still not sleeping well. It's 530 am and I've been wasting time online, reading and watching TV for an hour or 2. I am a little obsessed with Katt Williams...saw it on HBO over the weekend, and it's on again right now. It totally makes me laugh out loud. So Yeah I was reading all the old posts and again I am giving way to much time and attention to 1 element of me. So I have to make a point to find other stuff.

I need some good books to read. I have been through so many lately, and the new crop isn't holding my attention. I'd also like to take a moment and appreciate some of my hard work. I am changing my body and that has been something I haven't been able to accomplish until now. I am working hard at it and have made it a total priority. yay me.
JD's in town and wants to go kyaking this weekend, I am totally up for it, but I don't really wanna go alone with him. Maybe I can get Jenn and Ev to go too. I miss Tets! If he were here it would be a given, he'd go with.

So tonights gonna hurt if I've been up this long. We'll see how the day goes.

WTF Is Going On With Me Today?

I have a lot of anxiety today. Maybe it's lack of sleep, I am channeling it all at work, like things are bad, or things are going to be bad next week. It's not logical, there's no new information or reasons to think that's the case. If I could I'd have a stiff drink and take a nap and see if that killed it, but child care prevents alcohol related strategies. So I am doing some work, hoping that will take the edge off. Like if I have my arms around it, it will feel better. Oy! Arggg! AHHH! Blurg! I don't know what the fuck is going on with me today. I went to the gym w jenn and evelyn, then breakfast, that was all good. Then Bella and I went to Target and I've been home for an hour and a half or so doing some work. Still have to go to the grocery store...I also have to get a bunch of paperwork together for the lawyer and get the taxes done...maybe it's all of that and being home and knowing I gotta get it together. It does seem like a lot of crappy stuff when I write it out. baby steps...