I don't know.

Today and last night I am not so good. I knew I'd get frustrated after all the solo kid time, and so I am. Frustrated about a lot of things. Not sure why things are the way they are. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was last Feb. January was a lot of activity...x out of the house, training, early Feb was good too, sex we strangers, bike ride. And here I am. I really feel like crying. I am happier now, I try to think about the way it would be if x was still here, it would be so bad, so frustrating, so full of self abuse. What did I really think it was going to be like? I wish Stevie Nicks would have told me that I had to do it, but it was going to be really hard, harder than I thought for as long as I can imagine. That's what it seems like. I guess it's OK. I wish I could make a plan and work the plan to make things different. I feel like I've been trying to do that but with no clear course and no results. I am trying to be open to optimism where I can find it. I went to breakfast with Evelyn yesterday and was telling her that I am working out twice a day a few days a week, her comment was nice and optimistic, "When else will you have the opportunity to to that? It's a special time" I think that's true. I also have to get eating under control for some more results. I'm trying to think of other things I've accomplished...I am not so dependent on Tets, that's good. I've been full court press on Keith and it's working, that's good. IDK....I need something else, then the Buddhist in me says the lesson is not to need but to have what I have fully. I just don't know.