Today is good

Today is all about today and it's all good. I don't really give a fuck if I am where I was in Feb. I guess that's where i am supposed to be. I am thinking about forgiveness and it's necessity in every moment unceasingly and so I will forgive myself unceasingly. Went to gym this am...was good...went to movies with keith...was good...rained too much yesterday to ride my bike today, hopefully tomorrow it's on!

I think sometimes I think my optimism is naive or misguided or fake but just for right now it's not. I want to be lots of things better than I am now, but I am also pretty awesome as is. So I am embracing the optimism, the knowledge that I can and will, and it's out there. Sometimes I can't but for today I can and that is something to smile about and something to pray to replicate. I may not have all that I want, but I can work for anything, I can have what I've got and love it. I can be where I am and smile. Today is good.

Tomorrow I need strength and patience. Dinner with Mom and X-double trouble-also scg's bday...I am thinking no nothing on that, no FB, no email...I will have strength and patience and if I struggle that's OK too, I will forgive myself and others unceasingly tomorrow.

Keith went to mongolian bbq and loved it. He's such a good boy!!! Can't wait to eat there w him...so delicious.

I have been going to the gym like crazy and also eating like an idiot, which is a negative combination. I honestly don't feel full/satisfied (I realize they are 2 different things) and so I over eat. I was really trying to focus on why, emotionally there is always a connection weather I want their to be or not, but didn't really connect to anything. So I went to the gym this AM and was with the trainer who is very corrective of form and it makes me frustrated. I am trying always, I am putting so much time into it, I like praise not criticism (imagine that). And it hit me that I am generally frustrated. Things did not turn out the way I wanted them to with scg, with working out non stop, with work at the present moment, with my launch into the new life. It's all a little frustrating and all of it is happening now. So that is probably why I am eating too much....food isn't frustrating. It's good and feels good until you figure out the math on the working out vs calories in. Then there is one more point of frustration. I think it's good to connect it, I've never really been able to stop or correct the behavior, but we'll see it's all new, lots of new chances.

Some stuff

Has happened since the last post, so that's good. Still looking to bury the details of that BS. Went out with a meet up group of girls on Sat. night...drinks/appetizers and more drinks at a 2nd location. Very NB, and seems unlikely that I'll meet the right guy for me in a bar, but totally could've been so much worse. Girls were nice, easy to talk to, I'd do it again, not as a every week, but once a month for sure.

Still working out like crazy, but not loosing weight, eating randomly, but weighing myself today kinda set me straight. Need to buy lots of fruits and veggies and stick to bringing my lunch.


I guess I thought there was more to say. Some interesting facebook stuff...Old friends with nice things to say. The random coworker who read the blog...always makes me blush thinking of that. I'm trying to call Chris once a week or so....just to stay in touch, alway a laugh, always super sweet.

Date tonight with Match guy. Either you never know, or you can never have enough rejection in your life. Whatever.

There was some other stuff with X and Keith, but it's more of the same. Sad. Makes me focused on staying connected to Keith, spending time with him. He and I went to dinner alone last night, Target, School, this morning too. It was nice. He's a good boy, good heart. Grades are mixed but comming up. Hopefully I can pull of getting this kid into college. That's what it's all about.

doood

I am still not sleeping well. It's 530 am and I've been wasting time online, reading and watching TV for an hour or 2. I am a little obsessed with Katt Williams...saw it on HBO over the weekend, and it's on again right now. It totally makes me laugh out loud. So Yeah I was reading all the old posts and again I am giving way to much time and attention to 1 element of me. So I have to make a point to find other stuff.

I need some good books to read. I have been through so many lately, and the new crop isn't holding my attention. I'd also like to take a moment and appreciate some of my hard work. I am changing my body and that has been something I haven't been able to accomplish until now. I am working hard at it and have made it a total priority. yay me.
JD's in town and wants to go kyaking this weekend, I am totally up for it, but I don't really wanna go alone with him. Maybe I can get Jenn and Ev to go too. I miss Tets! If he were here it would be a given, he'd go with.

So tonights gonna hurt if I've been up this long. We'll see how the day goes.