My spelling is terrible

I probably spelled something in that sentence incorrectly. I am sitting at home with Bella, Keith's at a friends. All is well. Still eating like an idiot, but for Fucks Sake it's Feb. I can rebound. So tomorrow back to work and back to bringing my lunch etc. The tough part is I pretty much do want to eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of wine every night. My life style is slowly inching towards it. Didn't do the bike ride this weekend. Thought it was going to rain, so called it off. Glad I did because I just needed to be home, but it was a perfect day, so a bit of a loss. Feel bad for Tets especially because he bought a bike! And then I canceled! I suck!

Nan was at Sarah's this weekend so all me and all kids all 4 days, which is pretty chill actually. Not a lot of issues. X keeps calling, he's in Italy for a convention and doesn't want to stay until his return date. I called and tried to make flight changes for him, but not allowed, he did the same, not allowed. Not sure you can go wrong with a few days in Italy, but whatever.

I have this Wisonsin Vacation still planned. Should've tried to get out of it just because of the money. Betting Marie and BF will flake, may just be me and Chris which might be lovely...but might be cabin fever...In that case not sure, take a kid? Take Sarah?

Eating behavior is really bad, obviously emotional, obviously not controlling it, so just hoping I can get back on track tomorrow. Want to go to the gym but not sure about the work craziness.

So no men, pretty OK with it, seems like I just struggled for a year to surrender to what I didn't want. I knew that was the case, but felt like I could push it somewhere else. I didn't and now I'm over it. Work is still a buch of bullshit, just bad. Rich keeps sending me job postings...so I'm going to look into them.

It's been a while

I am not sure why I haven't posted, and right now might not be the best time. I have a crazy headache from Bella's dance recital (I know I am a bad mom for cursing it, but so be it). Tomorrow is Keith's birthday, 14!!! So crazy. I basically feel like I am the same person now as I was at 14, I wonder if he will be. It was really hard to grasp for a while, 14 is also when my mom had me go live w Nan so she could grow pot in my bed room. I look at Keith and see he's not done, he's not ready, he's not raised, there is so much love to share and work to do and it made me incredibly sad that some one could do that to me. It was already way f'd up by then, but this is something tangible for me to have in perspective. I feel good I've already beat the standard, but it's tough to figure it out. I think about all I've read about forgiveness, but I haven't been able to actually do it. I can't forgive my mom. I work on forgiving myself and the x but there's a lot of walls around it. Also when the whole mom memories etc were around I was eating like a jerk, getting it a little under control now, but so tired of that up and down. Maybe I can't do it alone, I am not sure what to do next. Some how a really restrictive plan sounds like agood solution, which is strange. Like liquid or food provided diet...IDK. Thats under consideration in January, not making a decision now.

What else? No progress on sex. some progress on fun and stuff, been out and about more. Generally feeling OK, but somehow still the same. Is this is it? That's OK. I've had some really calm drives to work, mind not spining, not wanting, just chill. It's hard to express the half optimism half acceptance state. It's all good.

So tired now! it's only 8. No patience for little miss last 2 nights. Keith's gearing up to be a bit spoiled about his B day...we'll see how that goees tomorrow.

Some stuff

Has happened since the last post, so that's good. Still looking to bury the details of that BS. Went out with a meet up group of girls on Sat. night...drinks/appetizers and more drinks at a 2nd location. Very NB, and seems unlikely that I'll meet the right guy for me in a bar, but totally could've been so much worse. Girls were nice, easy to talk to, I'd do it again, not as a every week, but once a month for sure.

Still working out like crazy, but not loosing weight, eating randomly, but weighing myself today kinda set me straight. Need to buy lots of fruits and veggies and stick to bringing my lunch.


I guess I thought there was more to say. Some interesting facebook stuff...Old friends with nice things to say. The random coworker who read the blog...always makes me blush thinking of that. I'm trying to call Chris once a week or so....just to stay in touch, alway a laugh, always super sweet.

Date tonight with Match guy. Either you never know, or you can never have enough rejection in your life. Whatever.

There was some other stuff with X and Keith, but it's more of the same. Sad. Makes me focused on staying connected to Keith, spending time with him. He and I went to dinner alone last night, Target, School, this morning too. It was nice. He's a good boy, good heart. Grades are mixed but comming up. Hopefully I can pull of getting this kid into college. That's what it's all about.

I can see!

Lasiks worked! The whole procedure was a bit weird, didn't love the logistics of the place, I've got a lot of bruising which looks like blood on the whites of my eyes, but my vision is good and today especially my eyes feel fine. Yesterday I felt like I needed the drops often, but today less so. Yesterday also my near vision wasn't so good, but improved through out the day and today seems no different than with contacts. Crazy. Hard to believe I'm not wearing glasses or contacts any more. Today is the HS reunion. I am so absolutely over the moon about seeing Chris....I am sure it will be fun, I don't think I've been out for pure fun with Shelagh since HS...always at home or w kids. What else? X told me about a fight he and Keith had, keith is totally tuned into the fact that he cares about himself...and keith's decided x is a dick so is forcing him into acting like that and it's working. Made me super sad, didn't sleep so well thinking about it. My heart just swells and aches for Keith. I can steer him, but not sure how open/honest to be with him about my opinion's of his dad. Nan was saying she had to give me the real deal on my mom, and that helped but I was a few years older. Anyway that's today. Keith's off restriction, gotta give him a little room, but not enough to get in more trouble.

IDK

I guess sometimes are hard and that's OK. I am not sure what's gotten into me tonight. Going to the movies alone isn't so bad, but also isn't the best. Kids were making me a bit crazy today. X did something nice for me which seems crazy, gave me a CD that he had at work that he thought I'd like, and I do. I have never ever doubted my decision, and I am not now either, but it's kinda of weird to have him be the person doing something nice. It's hard when there's no one calling all day to say hey. I don't want to wallow, I want to "return to myself/I am safe". I want to forgive myself for craving and not being exactly where I am, but it's not that easy sometimes. I feel like I have been doing great, genuinely, but maybe it's just a release valve. I am not so much struggling for a man/mate/match, but just struggling a little. I guess I'm entitled, I just don't really like it all that much. Thank God for the bike, better than Prozac or therapy...thank goodness for movies, and food, and my freedom. I am very grateful for my freedom in so many ways, thought, actions, time, it's more than I knew was out there. So I guess I'll go to sleep....tomorrow trainer! and another day to start over (especially on eating....first day of the rest of my life).

Not a lot is going on w me

Just chilling at home this AM....kids kids kids. This is Keith's last restricted weekend, he did well yesterday, cleaned his room, got his act together. It's too much to have them both home all the time, I always end up yelling at someone. Little miss lost another tooth last night. I had Tets Ethan and Mac over and we made all the noodles I brought home from Japan. It was good. I ate too much. I gotta get that under control ASAP. No need paying for the trainer if I'm eating like a jerk. I am getting Lasiks on Thursday! OMG-No more glasses or contacts! No more contacts+toothpaste business trips. I have really been enjoying the weekends at home, just doing what I want is pretty cool. Keith told me his dad was talking to him about the divorce and went off on how he hated my friends, and I didn't invite him to do stuff, and didn't do stuff with him and his friends. I told keith he was right, but if you knew someone hated your friends would you want to invite them to do stuff? would you start to think that he hated you too...if you liked your friends and they like you? Keith was fine, but a little disconcerting that x would bring up such biased comments. I've got that stuff on lock down.

any way pretty much all is well...might go to the movies alone tonight, might go to yoga. I think it will be too dark to ride my bike by the time the kids are both gone. I could go to gym then movies...that's the plan.