Open Letter to Blogger and My Future Boyfriend

So know the old blog is back and available....so sad, which one do I prefer, which one is gayer? It's a big gay tie. I guess I'm just gonna link from new to old, but I can't imagine I'm the only one with this issue.

So to my future boyfriend, who ever you are, SCG or yet to be known, a few things I feel I need to get off my chest.
1. You should plan on calling me everyday, just hey, not a lot of time. Maybe every other day. Please know special circumstance will apply to each of us.
2. I have a lot to offer, please be willing to receive it.
3. Please have a lot to offer
4. Basically I want to give a fuck about someone, and I want to know that someone gives a fuck about me. Simple. Sound OK?
5. Please don't make me go >30 days with out sex. It's not good for anyone
6. I promise I will think you're awesome and tell you, could you please let me know the same? (see #1-simple call lets me know)
7. whatever

Home!

I am home! I didn't write while in Japan with Keith. 3 days no computer and I don't want him watching/reading all of this. So we are home. It was so great to be there with Keith. We went to Matsuyama which is where they have the oldest Onsen in Japan, the one that Spirited Away is based on. It was really cool, we stayed at an Onsen too, all in 1 room with special room service girl. It was cool. Keith and Tets got along with no issue, really glad Keith could see that there's nothing to hide. Then we went to Osaka and Nara. Nara was great, I was really glad to be in the presence of the big budda, lots of magic. Then back to Tokyo, a little work and then the flight home.

I am so tired now, but have 6 hrs to go to stay awake.

Lots of emails with super cute guy. He's doing an Ironman in Oct in Texas, and I'll be there for transform, so definitely going to cheer him on. I want him to call me, that would make me feel like it's mutual. A few too many drunk emails initiated by me over the last 2 weeks. I thought a lot about what's going on during the flight home. It's all good and I know I want to pursue things with him, he simply makes me completely disinterested in anyone else. But I also know I can't do all the work, and I can see how me initiating could be a total turn off. I also know I need to be on my own when I'm alone and not filling my mind what if's. I was thinking about what I want. I want to be someone's #1, and I want to be my own #1. So I am working on that!

Updates!

I just got up from a nap...the consequences of getting up at 430 after going to bed after 12. It's really lucky the schedules flexible this trip. We are going to see our candidate again tomorrow and then finally get Keith. I haven't talked to him in going on 3 days which is hard. Last night back to our bar, but present was one of our least favorite singers. A girl who is good, but just not the same soul as the rest, and she seems to be doing it for attention vs. love of the game, especially in English, but better in Japanese. Afterwards came back to the room and lots of lovely emails with super cute guy. Initiated by him asking how my meetings went. I had sent him the link to the video from the night before and he commented on Bella, I didn't know how he saw her, but there's another public photo album with pics of here. sweet about me, my eyes, smile etc. You can just never get enough of that. I said I really didn't want him to change jobs, that he and I had stuff to do...he didn't know what I meant so I had to explain further, after I already thought I said too much, but just came out with, we should spend more time together, and get to know each other better. He said we can do that no matter what, which was obviously the right thing to hear. So I'm just trying to be where that is, not 10 steps ahead. I can't believe I am going to be here for 6 more days...I am hoping its not too much time for Keith, that we don't feel over it.

Whatevs

Just got back from the date with the Asian guy...it just seemed like he wasn't into it. Like it wasn't worth the drive for him. Part of me thinks I could've been more flirty but that's just somehow unnatural immediately. Conversation seemed easy enough, dinner, a little walk on the beach...then he was outta there. It's just relentless. If I wanted all this rejection I would've become an actress. I know how it's supposed to feel, and this guy didn't bring that, but what seems sooososososooso impossible is creating the right circumstances to find how it's supposed to be. So that's that. I am kinda tempted to break all the rules and email super cute guy...but a lame response or none would be too much to take.

I was driving home feeling sorry for myself and turned right up Newport Coast to measure the miles from my ride the other day (2 up hill, ~800 ft climb) and the moon was big and beautiful and made me remember that the universe does want me to be happy. A sign of beauty and serendipity that made me smile. In a way I know I am back where I am supposed to be, chilling, doing my thing, opening up to all the happy accidents that await, but it's hard not to be lonely while being alone.

my back hurts

I have to have the bike adjusted. My back is killing me this morning after 2 hours on the bike yesterday. I watched Catch and Release last night which I wanted to see since reading the Kevin Smith diary, it wasn't bad, but of course made me cry....she had 3 guys after her (one died). I just think I haven't really gone through how sad the state of my marriage made me, I was so focused on survival I didn't realize that it made me so sad not to be liked by my husband for so long. I just don't get why someone doesn't care about me, but at the same time I somehow do get I am not in the right frame of mind today to create that. But will go to dinner with Asian guy....thought of emailing super cute guy something like "I'm on a date, but wish I was talking to you"....but will not.

Saturday

Last night dinner for Ethan was OK, conversation kept moving but the service was bad. I'm not going back there, this was their last chance. Super cute guy called Ethan while we were at dinner. Ethan told him who was there. It didn't really bother me that much I know they are good friends and Ethan had been in Kansas for business and they missed each other. I was hoping that being reminded of me would encourage some contact, but no. Which makes it all bother me more. Ethan wanted to talk to him on my behalf, but that's not allowed.

So I guess I'll go out tomorrow night with the Asian guy :( I don't want to but I know I should. Even if he does call, it's not like he's anywhere near here.

Last night Lindsey called, his car got towed and they wouldn't give it to him because it's in my name. I am not sure what he wanted me to do, I was at home with Bella. He ended up walking here and driving himself home in my car. He's coming by here so I can go with him to get the car. Fun times! So typicall...he kinda wanted me to leave Bella at home alone to go with him last night to get the car, or to get someone to stay over here with her so I could help him immediately...cause it's all about him. So I'm going to pack and study and thats about it.