Went for long bike ride by myself this morning, and stopped for coffee w Tets on the way home. That was tougher than I thought, the first half of the conversation was good, but then he told me he thought I was childish to cancel the ride and bbq today. I was surprised, because it was his idea to cancel all of it over the weekend, and he's leaving for Japan tomorrow and has all kinds of crap to do today. That made me feel bad. I am unaware when I upset him and it sticks when he says it. So I'm home now talked to scg...need new acronym because that's not gonna work anymore, and it was totally and completely awkward. Obviously he's staying home with his daughter, but there was an opportunity there to say something and he didn't, which he hasn't before either, so whatever. I wish I didn't call him back because now I'm stuck with that feeling too.

I am right back where I started. like Radiohead...15 steps. I guess this is where I need to be, I haven't figured something out yet. It is just lonely. that's all really. I don't want to stay home and watch tv forever, I want some one to care about and someone to care about me. I'm totally OK with it not being this guy, I am too big and have to much to offer for anything less than my vision, but it's far away. It's not visible from here, and being sad and lonely is not anywhere I want to be. UGGG.

Also work fucking sucks. I am not sure I've ever been at the bottom of the cycle like this before. Even when x was here work was good. I need to be humble, I need to accept that this is where I am supposed to be.