Funniest Thing Ever

My friend (and former work husband) was speculating on what my "off the record" meeting with the womanizer of PFU Japan will be like and wrote the funniest most on the money short story/email to capture what he thinks could happen...copied here:

Part I
They met at the fixed time. On a miniature bridge in a giant city. There was love seat for two nearby. It was a striking monument of the quiet wisdom that emanated from a silent man with much to say.

He seated himself at a respectable distance and cleared his throat.
“Why, he’s nervous, just like me,” she thought. She was happy that he was not like the other salarymen in Tokyo. Those who followed the rules and bowed on command.

“Kon bon wa,” he croaked. His voice was raspy. “Doesn’t matter,” she told herself.
“Kon bon wa!” she crooned.

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. She looked even more beautiful today. Her eyes were like those of a deer. And she had such long eyelashes. When she lowered them, they cast mysterious shadows on her cheeks.

Her nose was delicate and straight. Her lips were perfectly shaped; her mouth, a little wide. Her jet black hair shone with a gleam as she moved her head. Her skin had a healthy glow to it. He observed all this while she made a pretext of playing with the edges of her 3G capable Blackberry.

“Well, er… do you like me?” he asked.

She looked at him. His hair was combed to perfection with a perfectly respectable side parting. His nose was aquiline. His eyes were two expressive pools of black. Funny, she’d not noticed that they had so much character in them. His appointment book was neatly tucked into his breast pocket. His mouth … She hastily averted her gaze.

“You know I do!”

“When I saw you on the first day of JIMA, I fell for you. You seemed to mesmerize me by the way you smiled and spoke.”

She remembered. That was three years ago. She had asked him for directions to the one ATM in the city that works. During this period, they had not exchanged more than a few words. But whenever they chanced upon each other: at the AIIM shows, in the demos, in the corridors with no pictures or color … they exchanged silent unspoken messages. Clearly they were attracted to each other.

“Even I felt the same. I was instantly pulled towards you,” she blushed as she spoke. “Every night, I would think of you, wondering whether you would speak with me the next day,” she smiled at the memory.

“And when you did not attend the ARMA show for one whole year, I felt as if my heart would break,” he said softly.

She knew that he would miss her the most. She had fallen sick and had remembered him in each moment of her weakness.

“And when I recovered, I saw you helping my best friend with his perfect PFU factory walking speed,” she shot him an accusing look…

Part II
…”How could she fall for a man who sweats more than a sumo wrestler on a Friendly airport bus?”, he wondered. “He’s a slight man from Osaka who would throw away everything for round eyes and a white girlfriend.” This International Business Woman deserved more than this, he thought.

He summoned the courage to speak to her again, thankfully his English was always better when he was horny. He smoothed the soft fabric of his blazer to mentally prepare himself for the battle ahead. His mind wandered, “…I’ve worn this blazer every day of my life and I’ve never been able to decide if it is green or blue..” It was time to make his move. He floated towards her with the grace and speed of a Shinkansen. Nothing could stop him now…

She watched tremulously as he approached her. He took her hand in his as they sauntered over to the bar. “Irashimashe!” the bartender blurted, she felt both proud of herself and guilty for ignoring him for just enough time to draw the word out in her head in Hiragana. What would you like Ms.? “I’ll take a shot of Jameson, leave the bottle”, and for you sir, “For reraxing times, it’s Suntory time”. It was the corniest and most beautiful moment of the evening.

My only wish is that there are others out there who get how fucking funny and frighteningly accurate this is.