Here I am

I am back from the Gym, trainer had a sit down with me this AM to address basically my lack of weight loss. I've been going there about 3 months. It's funny how that makes me feel...defensive and in a way prequalifying future behavior that would prevent weight loss. I am working on getting my head around accepting the help and making this happen. I want it to, I just don't want to do the work, and I don't really know why. It's almost like I don't want to put away the laundry so here it sits. I know in the long run I'd be so much more confident and would be so much more ready to make a good choice in a partner, etc. It makes me kind of sad to say that-like that's not important enough to cut back on food. It's not really about being better looking so more people will like me it's about not selling my self short on any basis.

Saw Stevie Nicks yesterday for the first time in a long time...talked about x and his 24 yr old gf...who is closer to keith's age than his. Whatevs. I am bitter he won for the short term, but I would never consider a 24 yr old, or anything less than what I am.

Work is bananas-not in the fun song kind of way-but in the crazy fucking in believable upside down world way. I need to spend some time on my resume and see if I have to suck it up here or can make the same elsewhere.

Dood-also pretty broke right now. Spending less (excepton gym) and need to get a new washer and drier etc...commissions way down because economy sucks. Perfect storm.

My spelling is terrible

I probably spelled something in that sentence incorrectly. I am sitting at home with Bella, Keith's at a friends. All is well. Still eating like an idiot, but for Fucks Sake it's Feb. I can rebound. So tomorrow back to work and back to bringing my lunch etc. The tough part is I pretty much do want to eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of wine every night. My life style is slowly inching towards it. Didn't do the bike ride this weekend. Thought it was going to rain, so called it off. Glad I did because I just needed to be home, but it was a perfect day, so a bit of a loss. Feel bad for Tets especially because he bought a bike! And then I canceled! I suck!

Nan was at Sarah's this weekend so all me and all kids all 4 days, which is pretty chill actually. Not a lot of issues. X keeps calling, he's in Italy for a convention and doesn't want to stay until his return date. I called and tried to make flight changes for him, but not allowed, he did the same, not allowed. Not sure you can go wrong with a few days in Italy, but whatever.

I have this Wisonsin Vacation still planned. Should've tried to get out of it just because of the money. Betting Marie and BF will flake, may just be me and Chris which might be lovely...but might be cabin fever...In that case not sure, take a kid? Take Sarah?

Eating behavior is really bad, obviously emotional, obviously not controlling it, so just hoping I can get back on track tomorrow. Want to go to the gym but not sure about the work craziness.

So no men, pretty OK with it, seems like I just struggled for a year to surrender to what I didn't want. I knew that was the case, but felt like I could push it somewhere else. I didn't and now I'm over it. Work is still a buch of bullshit, just bad. Rich keeps sending me job postings...so I'm going to look into them.