From the plane the other day

I wrote this on the flight home the other day. Feel better at home now, but have back ache that is going to take some work, and just blah. No more trainer, costs too much, talked to Stevie Nicks and that helped. Tomorrow is Tets party, I just am not feeling it. I hope it comes together well. Things always turn out the way they are supposed to.

I am trying to find a place to write out some stuff while I have a bit of wine in me and a bit of time to do it on the plane.
Word would seem to work, but everyone can read it easily and that's a little awkward.

I hope I get home OK tonight. I know I'll miss my connection so I hope there's another flight with room.

I am in a fog. For what seems like months. It used to be I could ask myself what I wanted and I could hear it. Now it's like the
answer is close and then just goes away as soon as I think it's about to be known. I feel like I can't get to the heart of the funk.
It's just me at the heart of it.

I feel at a loss when it comes to work. WTF can I do to make myself feel like it's worth it? I probably can't. In this state, however,
how am I supposed to find another job?

How can I get some peace back in the average day?

I feel passionate about nothing. I feel crazy about the kids when I am at home,but as usual I feel little when I am on the
road which is troubling as i am currently on the road. Not that I don't care or want to be there, but years of compartmental
izing for survival have made it so. and so it is.

I feel completely foggy about me. How sad to say that. Where am I? I was told today I have lost some of my charm, and who
am I to argue...I agree at this moment.

I can't figure out how to do what I know how to do. How do I get my fitness back under control? How do I get my head in a
place where I can potentially good company for any other humans?

I feel like I just want someone to hear it all and truly feel sorry for me, love me anyway, but someone who just gets it.
This is not a romantic request. I would be truly gratefull for anyone to help me out in that role.

I have this party to throw for Tets on Sat. Last year it was an amazing fun time and I can find motiviation to make it so this year
It will be fine I know that, I'll be a busy hostess which is a woderfull distraction. but the spirit is so dim.

How did I get here? How did I fall to a place of rest and complacancy? Where is my spirit and will it return?

I feel no ill will towards this state, i accept it completely, but am getting worried. Will I come back to who I am? Who I want to be?
Where's my fight face?

I feel like I went to Ireland and rested, I fell down a rabbit hole, and I am less than I want to be now. I am less of the
essence I was starting to love. Now everything is in question. I am I a cirucs freak fat woman who needs to accept
solitude? am I irrelevant? Is there spring and reinvention around the corner? a tiny tiny small part of me says YES! but
is that the memory of the old me or the reality of potential?

It's like I'm an adolecent all over again. Survival distracted me from all of this in the past. When I read this it's not innacurate, it's
slightly embarassing, but otherwise it is.