Open Letter to Blogger and My Future Boyfriend

So know the old blog is back and available....so sad, which one do I prefer, which one is gayer? It's a big gay tie. I guess I'm just gonna link from new to old, but I can't imagine I'm the only one with this issue.

So to my future boyfriend, who ever you are, SCG or yet to be known, a few things I feel I need to get off my chest.
1. You should plan on calling me everyday, just hey, not a lot of time. Maybe every other day. Please know special circumstance will apply to each of us.
2. I have a lot to offer, please be willing to receive it.
3. Please have a lot to offer
4. Basically I want to give a fuck about someone, and I want to know that someone gives a fuck about me. Simple. Sound OK?
5. Please don't make me go >30 days with out sex. It's not good for anyone
6. I promise I will think you're awesome and tell you, could you please let me know the same? (see #1-simple call lets me know)
7. whatever

Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment. I always go back for more of the same. Today I was reading ex's myspace messages and found what I was looking for...him talking shit about me. I truly should not care, he's telling someone how I cheated and how I deserve the same life as my friends. In a seperate message he's talking about getting drunk at la cave (WTF?) and fucking all kinds of girls...not the same as cheating, but all the shit about the friends. Dude, you are doing what you hated me for. 98% of the time I don't even think about him, nor did I for the last year of the marriage, but everyone wants to be understood, and in this case I am not sure what I want. Nothing from him. I have lots of recognition that my truth is real from the outside world. I think sometimes of how did I get along with him for so long and how did the relationship move from one phase to the next? How did I make all of those decisions and live all of those years without learning anything that applies to the real world now. That part is crazy. It's been tough to find someone to talk about this stuff with...obviously Stevie Nicks is the right person, but there's a pattern there of I'm either a mess tell me I'm not, or Look I'm not a mess. It's hard to remember what comes up in between. I think part of believes that's what a relationship might offer, but really I am scared to death of telling someone with potential about this mess. I almost wish Ex could read all of this and know it's not all black and white, but in the 20 years it as only black and white. It all comes around to the fact that you can have a plan and work a plan, but it does not impact anyone but you... all my flipping out, all my struggeling is all mine, created by me, executed by me, witnessed by me. I've been here before, I wish I remembered the way out. Sheer will, distraction and maybe a little luck. I hope I haven't used all of mine.

I haven't heard from SCG since Tuesday which fucking sucks but it is so part of the aforementioned struggeling alone. I finally was able to explain it, it's not that he's the one, it's not "him" its the list of qualities vs. the list of prospects in the past. Facts (ie the plan) just tell me they can't be replicated, but I can't make it happen from just sheer will, he has to participate. Which is really interesting because I have always beleived that I made everything happen with ex work husband by sheer will, I forced it, he didn't actively particpate, he just failed to say no. Which is not true, I think I say that to prevent myself from feeling hurt that it didn't work, or that it may have been the real thing. Which I believed at the time, but don't now. We're both fine in different directions and when I see him there is the curiosity of How Did That Happen....how did we escape and survive. I hadn't really put that together before...He didn't fail to say no...he cared too and it still wouldn't have worked.

So what now? I really don't know, no clue. Currently shopping, drinking, exercising, working, blog fill some void, really just fill the hours, but I am doing my best. That I can say for sure. That has to be enough for me.

Hi my name is Marni andso

I write about the same thing all the time and can't seem to break the cycle. Yep that's me. I was not liking work today...just the old PFU crap, do these tasks, jump through this hoop because we said so in Japanese. I remember how that was, really I saw I don't take too much home with me too often, but today I am. And I have less tolerance for all of it, less bandwidth for crap like that at home. So I came home and poured a big glass of wine, and am chilling w the laptop and the little miss and the Suite Life of Z and C which is so sucky but I don't watch...soon bath time, then bed time (not soon enough). I still don't get why someone cannot pick up the phone and say hey, why can't someone give a fuck about me? Do I want too much attention? probably...would I be OK with less than what I want...probably. Am I getting any of anything...not so much. I'm gonna have to go back to the internet soon at this rate. I don't call, the group email strategy is tired I want what I want. Fuckity fuck fuck

Not enough hours in the day

I've got a lot to try and squeeze in today...work, haircut, spin, work. Not sure how to get it all done. I've got one more work thing I wanted to have done by now, but I need to shower and go, and I'm afraid my disorganization will make it take too long to find the base information to get it done. I went to dinner w Marie last night to a hotel with a beautiful roof top bar, a little sushi, a lot of sake, then I went to her place to see the puppy. Then home by 11. I went and saw Stevie Nicks yesterday which was helpfull...lot's about Keith and a little about work an SCG. She is very positive about that situation, but I am still struggeling. it's so weird to, I am struggling alone, it's just me causing it and experiencing it, no one else is involved. A couple of emails yesterday...nothing else. I feel dumb, why expecations, why not just have what I have. I did start asking for this one to work. We'll see. Still another 3 weeks before Texas. OK I have to shower.

Voldemort

Work sucks right now. The atmosphere is going down hill. Boss is complaining openly and with great hostility about voldemort. It's nothing I didn't already believe but totally disheartening to hear it. What if he leaves? Who's my buffer? HTF would I get through that? We'll see. Tets was in my office for the full dump by boss, part of me never wanted him to know, but the other part of me was glad. First thing he said, was is this what's been going on for the last 2 weeks...I said yes...he said..OK I get what's going on with you. Relieved that he gets it. Last couple of nights I've had the worst headache...I know it's work but also sinuses.

I was supposed to go to see Black Crows w marie tomorrow night and it's cancelled! WTF? Is that allowed? I'm still going to drive up, we'll have dinner and I'll meet the dog. A little glad I won't be out so late.

I'm not sure about anything else really. SCG pretty much out of touch...I txt'd he replied by email, but both mine and his one liners...voldemort quote. I know what to ask for, I know what I want, I want it to be him but that parts hard to say. I want all big things, I want to be all in and I want someone to like it and give it back. That part feels emotional, afraid of someone not wanting it. The human condition. Deleted all profiles though, so that's a good thing. Even in all the frustration of work and kids of the last few days/weeks I always know I want a boyfriend. I want someone to give a fuck. We'll see...we'll see...we'll see. Next week Vegas w Marie!!! Fun! fun! Fun! Can't wait. A little work and I hope a lot of fun.

Workity work work

It's nice to have Tet's back. He's definitely BFF, getting shit done, he wanted to all about what's going on with Keith. He has a lot of opinions, you can tell he want to say more than he does, but I've gotten so used to him as a sounding board it's great to have him back.

What else, got some work done, blah blah blah. I went to the movies alone last night, it was not bad. Totally better than staying home alone. Feels like I am kind of getting it. BUT of course I'm hoping/willing/watching for an email from SCG...I know he's traveling so I am totally chilling, I'm just saying is all...I do see that I maybe too available. I totally not want to relive the scene from swingers. I am still so sore from the trainer. He wants me to call him about signing up. I'm not sure what to do about that. I need the work out, and the goal of -25 by Bday is approaching. I guess I can always stop but it seems like breaking up would be harder than making sure he's the right one. I wanted someone who was more bike or goal oriented...like run faster, bike better, do a triathalon.