Saturday and I'm not

drinking alone! yay! I guess I don't need a 12 step program yet. I went kayaking today with Mark, Ethan and JD and Bella. It was fun, just cruised around for 2 hrs. I got a blister. Mark is telling his wife it's done tonight. She moved out and wanted to work on her self and then the marriage and of course Mark was acting single. I guess one of her friends saw him out. ouch. Anyway he's in full change mode, shaving his chest...WTF? Super queer, he was pretty happy to have his shirt off today too, awkward. After Ethan JD Bella and I went to blue water grill and then she and I came home and hung out, laundry, Ed came over for a beer, she ate and then went to the bookstore. Hopefully I bought something worth reading, the last few have sucked. She's in bed now, and I'm watching the wire then bed for me. She's getting a hair cut in the AM I have class, and then she's going to her Dads. I'm not sure what I'll do in the evening, I still have the taxes which have to be done by the end of the month...but I'd rather ride the bike or do anything else.

I am so predictable

So I guess I'll be writing about the only thing I seem to write about...SCG emailed me for a while last, I was telling him I had a crappy day and was drinking alone...I said Hey. I called you today. Another item on my crappy list. He was all apologetic...I'm terrible with voice mail/phone, didn't check messages, don't take it personally. Said he'd call today, but he hasn't. Not looking good if it's 2 hrs ahead there. I'm getting that he might be right in some areas and not others, but I still feel gross about the one line thing and I always hate passing the 1 month mark with out sex...which I have passed. ugh, I didn't really realize that I was trying to keep something alive that happened a month ago. sad sad sad. blurg. Tomorrow Kayaking. I need to clean up the house as they're meeting me here, but I think I'll go to sleep and get up in the morning to do it.

Thursday

I went on a bike ride today with the Sand Canyon group, I think the ride is done because its getting dark too early. But we did 20 miles in 1 hr 15 min. I was dead last which made me feel like shit until I realized how far we went in what amount of time. I need to try and do some other group rides because I am not a good judge of my effort when I am alone. Also I may not be able to do the ride in Oct because of fing work...they are asking me to be in Japan on Oct 13 which would require departing on 12 or 11. Fuck!

So I am so very gay I called SCG (super cute guy) and...he didn't answer...and I left a message....and no return call. He sent an email with me in bcc about some old work shit...but now I am learning that the rules are there for a reason. Whatever. I'm home alone, kids with Krypt, and I should shower and go to bed...gonna finish a glass of wine and watch some DVR and mostly will a personal email to arrive, you know Thursday.

So....

I am pretty sleepy right about now. Hopefully that's a good thing and I'll sleep all night. I went and saw Stevie Nicks today. It wasn't as amazing as it can be but it's always good to hear I'm not crazy. She always reminds me that there is a vacancy and as long as that exists my biology will drive me to fill it. That helps me understand the energy I put into super cute guy or online stuff or whatever.
So tonight I made dinner for the kids and I, drank a glass of whine (hence the sleepy). Little miss is getting tired...I hope she goes to sleep early. I don't think I'm gonna make it until after 9.

doood

I am still not sleeping well. It's 530 am and I've been wasting time online, reading and watching TV for an hour or 2. I am a little obsessed with Katt Williams...saw it on HBO over the weekend, and it's on again right now. It totally makes me laugh out loud. So Yeah I was reading all the old posts and again I am giving way to much time and attention to 1 element of me. So I have to make a point to find other stuff.

I need some good books to read. I have been through so many lately, and the new crop isn't holding my attention. I'd also like to take a moment and appreciate some of my hard work. I am changing my body and that has been something I haven't been able to accomplish until now. I am working hard at it and have made it a total priority. yay me.
JD's in town and wants to go kyaking this weekend, I am totally up for it, but I don't really wanna go alone with him. Maybe I can get Jenn and Ev to go too. I miss Tets! If he were here it would be a given, he'd go with.

So tonights gonna hurt if I've been up this long. We'll see how the day goes.

Back to Routine

Back to school, back to work, back to the gym, all in 1 day. It felt great to go back to the gym, to do spin and even to be back at work. I did measurements today....1 inch off waste, 2 off thighs and down 3 lbs. Pretty good for being in Japan for 10 days. Also reflects areas that biking works on...need to be sure to do arms etc on the gym by myself.

Little miss did just fine at school today, claims she doesn't want Saturday and Sunday off. We'll see how long that lasts. Keith did fine, went on his own, came home on his own, just chilling at home. No crazy expectations to go or do anything extra like in the summer.

Not much else to report, I talked to Ethan about super cute guy and he confirmed he's still at home w wife but moving on divorce. I guess I knew that, and it explains no calls, but damn it! Still holding to plan of just chilling until we see each other in person. I was going to call him today to see how the first day went at the new place, but did not. No need. I do need a date for the foo fighters in Vegas but the chance of a no is too high, I'll figure it out. So that's about it.....blah blah blah. Here's me and my feelings -just kidding, just seems kinda funny.

A little better now

I think these are my witching hours...around 9-11 so I am going to just accept that. I am seeing clearly that you can't make someone the one because the signs add up, the actions really have to also. Super cute guy may turn out to be, but he's not obligated to be on my schedule or immediately meet my needs. I can't ask anything of him, I can only judge if it's worth persuing or considering based on his actions . For now it's better than the internet guys, but something will have to move in the near future for that status to maintain. I think I need to go back to my original plan of chilling until October and then talking in person about stuff, really just to get to know each other better. Until then the correspondence is welcome, friendly and does not qualify as actions.

I feel good about that whole thing...I'm going to come back and read that when I am willing the light to blink later tonight.

Tomorrow is the first day of school for little miss. Meeting ex there for the morning show of solidarity, which she thinks is awesome. The teacher asked us to bring a photo of her family to school tomorrow, so the 4 of us took one outside of his house. Fairly painless, and makes her happy. Must delete off of camera to prevent future illness, however ;-)

Went on a good bike ride today, was trying to go a route I had with the sand canyon girls but took a wrong turn and ended at 1.5 hours instead of a full 2, but road hard the whole time and went up and over Redhill which is something I had been wanting to do.

again

Why is it that I just can't accept the fact that I am lonely? It's not a question someone can answer, it's simply a state, it exists, perhaps indefinitely. It's kind of like I'm tired, but I can't sleep, not a lot anyone can do about that, but I guess you know you'll sleep eventually. I don't know when I'll realize that actions don't really change the state. Emailing super cute guy late at night...suggested IM, he declines, It's late, I gotta get to bed. I don't know what on earth would possess me to ask for rejection but I never stop doing it. It's really sad, like being overweight and binge eating, at some point you just gotta stop.
I don't know why it even makes me sad, but it does. It feels like I have 2 options, keep putting myself out there and feel pain, or retreat and feel bitterness. fuck it. done. sad. over it.

uh oh

A colleague in singapore emailed me and said he could see the blog...I used the name of work and google picked it up. So I closed permissions and deleted the word. AWKWARD. I was totally OK with strangers reading it...but someone with in 1 degree of separation, not so much. I hope my damage control was enough.