Kinda standing still

I am still all the things I was the other day. But I am also all the things I was before that. I guess this is the real thing. Watching some stupid movie, husband died, friends, new men blah blah blah. I feel sad I don't feel that way about anyone. I feel sad that someone never felt that for me, but only used me as a reflection of him. I feel sad that I still stay home on saturday nights and and drink alone. I love sleeping in my bed alone but honestly can't remember even a little what it's like to not be alone, to have someone touch me affectionately (besides a child). I feel like I am a better woman, person, parent than I was last year at this time. I feel like it's still crazy and not how I thought it would be, but I don't know now. Here I am....same place. I guess that has to be OK, that is the craziest part, why can't I make progress here, because I am not supposed to. I guess that's the lesson. I have to let go of this and just let it happen. I'm afraid if I am not actively pursuing something I won't ever have it. I am not sure that will ever happen to me. So that's it, Saturday night.

Today is good

Today is all about today and it's all good. I don't really give a fuck if I am where I was in Feb. I guess that's where i am supposed to be. I am thinking about forgiveness and it's necessity in every moment unceasingly and so I will forgive myself unceasingly. Went to gym this am...was good...went to movies with keith...was good...rained too much yesterday to ride my bike today, hopefully tomorrow it's on!

I think sometimes I think my optimism is naive or misguided or fake but just for right now it's not. I want to be lots of things better than I am now, but I am also pretty awesome as is. So I am embracing the optimism, the knowledge that I can and will, and it's out there. Sometimes I can't but for today I can and that is something to smile about and something to pray to replicate. I may not have all that I want, but I can work for anything, I can have what I've got and love it. I can be where I am and smile. Today is good.

Tomorrow I need strength and patience. Dinner with Mom and X-double trouble-also scg's bday...I am thinking no nothing on that, no FB, no email...I will have strength and patience and if I struggle that's OK too, I will forgive myself and others unceasingly tomorrow.

Keith went to mongolian bbq and loved it. He's such a good boy!!! Can't wait to eat there w him...so delicious.

Weird Day

Today is odd. Got some yucky stuff done at work, just stuff I've been procrastinating on, for no good reason of course. No one's really here, all my peeps are on Vacation. Chilling in the office and Ev comes in and says she needs my help. She's drunk! No shame in drunk at work (ok a little, but who am I to judge). But she's supposed to be off the wagon, like the real deal off. So I took her to Starbucks, listened, tried, way above my pay scale or area of expertise. Ended up spilling my guts to her about EZ...just in the regard of we're all f'd up, people do things they regret, that have bad consequences etc etc etc. I offered to go to a meeting w her tonight but she said she's going to go work out. Dude, I did my best. I hope I didn't hurt anything.

What else...Keith is being a total spoiled shit about walking home from school F that guy. Saying the worst things about Bella and to me. Not going to stand for it.

Wasted most of the day away, not much to show for it or say. Oh yeah, I did work out this AM so that's good....tomorrow spin, maybe trainer again. Wednesday I am hoping it doesnt rain so I can ride my bike all day but we'll see.

I don't know.

Today and last night I am not so good. I knew I'd get frustrated after all the solo kid time, and so I am. Frustrated about a lot of things. Not sure why things are the way they are. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was last Feb. January was a lot of activity...x out of the house, training, early Feb was good too, sex we strangers, bike ride. And here I am. I really feel like crying. I am happier now, I try to think about the way it would be if x was still here, it would be so bad, so frustrating, so full of self abuse. What did I really think it was going to be like? I wish Stevie Nicks would have told me that I had to do it, but it was going to be really hard, harder than I thought for as long as I can imagine. That's what it seems like. I guess it's OK. I wish I could make a plan and work the plan to make things different. I feel like I've been trying to do that but with no clear course and no results. I am trying to be open to optimism where I can find it. I went to breakfast with Evelyn yesterday and was telling her that I am working out twice a day a few days a week, her comment was nice and optimistic, "When else will you have the opportunity to to that? It's a special time" I think that's true. I also have to get eating under control for some more results. I'm trying to think of other things I've accomplished...I am not so dependent on Tets, that's good. I've been full court press on Keith and it's working, that's good. IDK....I need something else, then the Buddhist in me says the lesson is not to need but to have what I have fully. I just don't know.