I am not very good at lying around doing nothing, which is basically what's been happening today. I took the bikes back, which costs me $100 bucks. Can't ask Tets for the $ and can't see asking scg either. So that's a the price of what I needed to learn. I am still just achy over this whole thing. Did I make this whole thing up? did I make it all happen? Why am I in such a fucking slump right now? No calls, no emails, no nothing obvioulsy. Oh yeah...I hate facebook, like I wanna see his face and what he thinks right now? I kinda do but only if it's about feeling bad. I want a grand gesture, a big effort, but not gonna happen. I don't want to be a scum and not ask about his daughter, but I have already put to much into it, and that will open the door for me to do more of that. I really don't want to go to Japan tomorrow. This trip has shitty written all over it....I'm just gonna dive in and try and get through it.

Went for long bike ride by myself this morning, and stopped for coffee w Tets on the way home. That was tougher than I thought, the first half of the conversation was good, but then he told me he thought I was childish to cancel the ride and bbq today. I was surprised, because it was his idea to cancel all of it over the weekend, and he's leaving for Japan tomorrow and has all kinds of crap to do today. That made me feel bad. I am unaware when I upset him and it sticks when he says it. So I'm home now talked to scg...need new acronym because that's not gonna work anymore, and it was totally and completely awkward. Obviously he's staying home with his daughter, but there was an opportunity there to say something and he didn't, which he hasn't before either, so whatever. I wish I didn't call him back because now I'm stuck with that feeling too.

I am right back where I started. like Radiohead...15 steps. I guess this is where I need to be, I haven't figured something out yet. It is just lonely. that's all really. I don't want to stay home and watch tv forever, I want some one to care about and someone to care about me. I'm totally OK with it not being this guy, I am too big and have to much to offer for anything less than my vision, but it's far away. It's not visible from here, and being sad and lonely is not anywhere I want to be. UGGG.

Also work fucking sucks. I am not sure I've ever been at the bottom of the cycle like this before. Even when x was here work was good. I need to be humble, I need to accept that this is where I am supposed to be.

guess what? It gets worse

It does. He called from the airport today and was on his way here...got a call that his daughter was in a car accident. Left the airport for the hospital. She's OK, concussion, but OK. And he's not on his way, which sounds selfish and lame and despicable, but in all my years I did not believe the universe was conspiring against me but today I do. I just am so sad that someone somewhere believes I have to experience this. I guess I do and I am and what next...who am I next time...hard, closed, aftraid. sad. It feels really lonely, very solitary, very disconnected.

still shitty

so I'm devaluing myself by the minute and somehow accepting the IDK about the other girl...so back in my room and a message from 2 hrs ago to call him...call straight to vm....im...not available.

WTF

Shitty

Still shitty...im'd w scg today and let him know what I was thinking about this weekend, and he basically said he doesn't know what's going on w him and this other girl...I don't even want to say anything else

I really don't want to document this

It's just a cluster fuck..SCG emailed me that night and apologized, said he lost is phone, left it in his drop bag or something...didn't notice until about 10 pm. Which means it didn't occur to him to call me for Oh I don't Know 8 hrs after he said he would..maybe 7. So I debated on weather or not to go to the event, Tets sat it out in protest and then I went. I made it for the run and the finish and saw him 3-4 times. At the finish he's obvioulsy a mess and exhausted, and we're chatting and a girl comes up that is with him. Really a wierd vibe. He's told me a few things about her and it just made me feel the same as I felt the day before. Like an idiot. So after about 10 min I walked the mile and half back to the car and left. I had an email from him last night, they are nice, but it just seems lame. Im disapointed. Not sure how to handle stuff next week. right now I am basically sitting in my room on the computer instead of going to our reception because I know he's online and wanted to give him the chance to im me...which is so wrong. I should insist on calls...and I should not give a fuck. yuck. fuck.