Sleeeeepy Sleeeepy Sleeeeepy

Just got home from airport, went for a quick bike ride and now trying to stay awake. I'm going to pick up Bella from school in about an hour, then just try and stay awake until 9 pm. It's going to be a long day. Everything wrapped up fine on the trip, I have to go into work for a little bit tomorrow then some how meeting up with 5 girls from HS....hard to believe. One of them I didn't know very well but the others I did. I'm sleepy and hungry and I need a shower.

maybe I'm on an up swing...the japan stuff went better than expected today, that's a relief. I have been reading and re reading this book on the best Buddhist writings of 2008 and it makes me try and change from the inside which is what it's all about. Reading that what ever pain I'm in is something I caused someone some other time, not in a guilty way, but in a way that says, experience this pain and act carefully not to create it for someone else. Also a lot about craving and grasping, holding on to what isn't there, and I have been trying to experience my thoughts more carefully, meditatively, and seeing how far ahead I am and how that prevents me from being here now...and being anywhere I am really. Also forgiveness, forgiving myself for the pain I have caused my self and others, and isolating the actions of others that I should forgive. I think there is a lot there about the x, forgiving myself for how it was, forgiving myself.forgiving myself. It seems like that is along way off, but rings very true. I do feel like I love myself for the first time in my life, when all the other confusion or pain is on my mind that is a great surprise, a feeling I didn't know before. So not to get all metaphysical, but going back to the simple stuff I know works and is true is a benefit to the experiences I've had over the last few weeks. Beach with kids, books, Buddha, clearing my head, hanging out w Keith, sleeping with Bella when she was sick. Little bits of magic.

im'd with scg for a while this morning (he found me). Daughter is fine, but they are all a bit shaken up still. Tried to be big about it, glad he was able to get the call in time to go to her, vs. when he landed. That is all true. He apologized and we talked a little about why Tets was mad at me, and just chat. Going to remember that IM isn't real communication, and told him my lesson was not to make plans...sometimes things have to happen because they are supposed to not because you make them happen. Working hard to see that going over and over all of it is not helping me experience anything new.