hey

Not a lot going on. Still not going to read the old posts. I'm trying to wait up for good TV to start at 9, so wasting time on facebook etc. I have a hard time understanding how I dont get a call or a message or how I am possibly (uncertain) deleted from chat (not that I didn't do the same things) but what did I do wrong? I understand if he's not ready for anything, I get that he's not the right person for me. 100% get that, but still is hard to resolve the other stuff. What did I do? I was me...I was open...I was kind...I didn't drive it alone. So I have to figure out what's what on that...what I can learn, what I can improve, and what I just have to accept. Lots of gym...twice today, Monday AM, Tuesday, tomorrow afternoon. All good stuff. We're about to start training for the Feb Century, I can't believe a year ago we started training for the other one. I really hope there are marked improvements in my times and general feeling. Tets needs a bike!!! Trying some meet up groups to make new female friends so we'll see how that goes, supposed to go to drinks on Sat. Seems a little desperate housewives, but I gotta get out and give it a shot.

Just Because

I think I am posting just because I don't want to see the last few when I log in. Went to dinner with Tets at Shabu and waited a long time, but totally worth it. Nice to be somewhere comfortable with someone comfortable. Didn't talk about any of the other stuff, so that's good. Trying to really fake it then make it, fake letting joy in, fake optimisim, so I can remember what it feels like in the event of something worthy taking place.

Keith and Bella with their dad. Keith txting immediately about his dad taking bella's side. Hard stuff. Tomorrow early Gym, then work, back at it. I can see that I am not making a plan, working a plan to distract me from what's really happening. I think that's good.