drinking alone

I'm not ashamed, I'm 3/4 of the way through a bottle of wine and feeling pretty fuckin good about it right about now...totally took the edge of, feeling funny, pretty, relaxed. We should feel this way all of the time.

But alas we do not. I had a great conversation with Bella about drag queens, wanted to know my drag queen name. I went for Hello Kitty or International Woman of Mystery. She choose Sugar. Not bad for 5. it's about time we had a good drag queen conversation. I mean she is 5. Thank God for Project Runway, brining families together. So here's a list of openers I would email super cute guy if I wasn't holding out....

Hey I'm drunk...so I'm super funny and super pretty right now.
What the F is going on with you? Why can't you call?
What would you do to me if you were here...

I am moderately obsessively checking email...willing the little red light on the blackberry to blink. Somethings will alone cannot create. BUT Dennis's GF emailed with words of solidarity and I currently have only 49 min left before I can got to bed, so things are looking up.

WTF Is Going On With Me Today?

I have a lot of anxiety today. Maybe it's lack of sleep, I am channeling it all at work, like things are bad, or things are going to be bad next week. It's not logical, there's no new information or reasons to think that's the case. If I could I'd have a stiff drink and take a nap and see if that killed it, but child care prevents alcohol related strategies. So I am doing some work, hoping that will take the edge off. Like if I have my arms around it, it will feel better. Oy! Arggg! AHHH! Blurg! I don't know what the fuck is going on with me today. I went to the gym w jenn and evelyn, then breakfast, that was all good. Then Bella and I went to Target and I've been home for an hour and a half or so doing some work. Still have to go to the grocery store...I also have to get a bunch of paperwork together for the lawyer and get the taxes done...maybe it's all of that and being home and knowing I gotta get it together. It does seem like a lot of crappy stuff when I write it out. baby steps...

Can't Sleep

It's 2:30, I'm watching a fairly crappy movie on pay per view and wondering if I should try to sleep more. Everything I need to do is going through my mind for tomorrow....groceries...gym etc. I'm hungry too, but there's not much food here and I already ate a bag of cheetos. Very Britney Spears, I should start smoking.

I am seeing myself looking for something in other people almost all of the time, then when they don't provide what I think I need I am disappointed. What about not wanting something ? What about taking what is given as it comes? I don't know. It's not about anyone else clearly, but extracting one from the other is messy. I am tired of all of this, it's almost exactly like masturbation...satisfying to a degree, but then not so much. OK I feel like I should pull myself out of this. What about the bike and those great feelings? What about seeing Dennis, Ethan, Tets and being happy to be their friend and seeing the same in them? What about Bella in my bed just wanting to have her hand on me...what about the beautiful full moon waiting for me. What else? How do I become my own first choice?

I Heart My Bike

I was so missing my bike while I was gone and today I got out for about 24 miles, may have been 28 as I'm still not taking any gear with me. It was awesome, my legs remembered what to do and felt happy to be doing it, hills were tough as usual but the whole thing just made me feel happy to be alive, the best! When you're working hard, the song is right, your mind is there it was totally happening today :) Tomorrow going to the gym with Jenn and hopefully Evelyn, happy to be back on track. Bella met her teacher today, she seems super sweet and Bella's at ease with the whole thing. Super cute guy is emailing, but asked him to call, we'll see if he does. Makes me a little suspicious of the marital status, knowing me it probably wouldn't matter, but I need to know to adjust expectations. I canceled all my online stuff, so that's a good step. I'm gonna break out my sewing and keep my hands and mind busy. You know who is awesome? Dennis's gf, she emails and has great advice and insights. I appreciate her friendliness. You know what isn't so awesome? work didn't pay me commission this month, or anyone else apparently. Not really prepared to go with 1/2 my pay. I know I'll pull it off, but just the arrogance of it all....I can barely swing it. With all the people leaving you'd think they could pay those of us who are left. I am suddenly very sleepy...bike+beer+internet+jet lag. I think I should spice up the blog w pics etc but since I have no audience it may not that important.

Habits

I need to find away to break these habits of emailing someone, waiting for response and so on. I need to practice not doing anything so he can call or email or whatever. So what are the alternatives? Internet loosers? Eating? Laundry? I guess I need to start needle point projects. Keep my hands busy...I have this big barrier between what I need to do-be where I am and actually doing it. When it comes time to be I go for some immediate gratification. So I am promising myself not to initiate contact with him from now until Tuesday. Tuesday he starts a new job, so will allow the Well Wishes email. Why is this tough? So silly, it's obviously not about the other person, it's obviously about me needing some validation or attention from the outside world.

Home!

I am home! I didn't write while in Japan with Keith. 3 days no computer and I don't want him watching/reading all of this. So we are home. It was so great to be there with Keith. We went to Matsuyama which is where they have the oldest Onsen in Japan, the one that Spirited Away is based on. It was really cool, we stayed at an Onsen too, all in 1 room with special room service girl. It was cool. Keith and Tets got along with no issue, really glad Keith could see that there's nothing to hide. Then we went to Osaka and Nara. Nara was great, I was really glad to be in the presence of the big budda, lots of magic. Then back to Tokyo, a little work and then the flight home.

I am so tired now, but have 6 hrs to go to stay awake.

Lots of emails with super cute guy. He's doing an Ironman in Oct in Texas, and I'll be there for transform, so definitely going to cheer him on. I want him to call me, that would make me feel like it's mutual. A few too many drunk emails initiated by me over the last 2 weeks. I thought a lot about what's going on during the flight home. It's all good and I know I want to pursue things with him, he simply makes me completely disinterested in anyone else. But I also know I can't do all the work, and I can see how me initiating could be a total turn off. I also know I need to be on my own when I'm alone and not filling my mind what if's. I was thinking about what I want. I want to be someone's #1, and I want to be my own #1. So I am working on that!