WCS Hangover

It still stings, no call, no show, no email, no sms. I sent him one that said...I guess you decided not to come I wish you and kate all the best. No reply. I want to write a strongly worded letter. I want to lash out. I am not sure I have experienced intentional negligence and hurt like this. The idiots from the internet but there was no investment. I feel crazy like I imagined it or made it up and then I feel so misled because I didn't. It's easy enough to fuck and run, either one of could've done that, but he didn't. He said a lot of things about being in the middle of the divorce, being concerned with the distance, basically not ready, can't do it. But also siad he was and wanted to, I'm not sure what vibe I give off, Committment? In a way that's not bad, I don't want to really fuck around or be in something that is without potential...but on the other hand there seems to be miles to go before that. It's not easy to be avaialble and optimistic and willing and to have that treated unkindly seems so incongruous with a guy who's a good dad and by many accounts a great guy (not mine). I want to write a strongly worded email to that effect, but what's the point? Aplogies and any additional communication just masks the reality of it. I am still struggling with why I did that more than once. Also I hadn't met anyone with similar interests who showed interest in me and had mutual attraction. I met him 4 months ago, and in that 4 months no additional prospects...now what? back to internet? Just being lonely? lots of sunday nights at the movies alone? That makes me really really really sad. So I am going home....warm bed, kids, and radio silence.

ummm ya...WCS PII

Didn't show. I just really feel sad, I want someone to feel this with me, it's so fucked. I don't know if it's better or worse that Ethans here. With Tets I'd unload every detail, which is not so good, but with ethan I dont. I hate that he would talk to me on the phone for 2 hrs last night, I hate that he didn't call just no show. I hate that this is not the first time and I didn't protect myself from it. I guess thats the bottom line. I feel like life is getting lonlier and it should go the other way. WTF am I going to talk to ethan about through another meal alone? so f'd

IDK

I don't really get my last post. Whatevs. Election Day! I wasn't going to look up the stats, and I started too and now it's making me a little crazy. Went and saw Stevie Nicks today which was good, lots of kindness around scg and lots of great advice about Keith and x. So trying not to get wound up about scg and NY, doing OK. Just struggling a bit with reduced expecations (which I have) but also with potential. So we'll see. Lots to do in NY with our with out, work, food, shopping, Ethan will be there so won't have to die alone.

Sunday Part II

I decided to go to Yoga after x picked up little miss...I got there in time and it was cancelled :( a bit like going to the emergency room and getting refused. I went to the movies which isn't hard but I didn't want to. I don't want to see romantic comedies right now, I don't want to be alone always. I have to plan better for Sunday nights.

Came out of the movies and had a great message from Chris which really feels like home. Someone who knew before and after and gets it and is amazing on his own. I will call him tomorrow, it was late for him already. Great txt from keith too, I see the world is here for me, and it's opening up, I have to open up too....unwind what ever expectations are there so I can have what I don't expect. what I am not expecting could be more.

Sunday....home, tired, sleepy eyes. I was out late last night for the reunion and then Shelagh, Angelica and Chris over here for a while. time change makes the whole day seem so lazy and long. Bella's playing with play doh, Keith went to stay overnight at a friends. Bella will go to her dads soon. I guess I'll do the usual and see a movie. thought of asking someone, Ethan or Tets, but I may just want to go to bed early. But then I'll be up early, then I'll be tired all day. I need to break the cycle! Thinking about scg in New York on Wednesday....we'll see. I don't feel anxious about it now, but feel a little sad already. Like I'm disapointing myself by thinking about it. Maybe it will work out, if it doesn't I totally get it and that's that. If it does work out, then the work begins for me on me. I'm ready for that. Either way.