It's been a while

I am not sure why I haven't posted, and right now might not be the best time. I have a crazy headache from Bella's dance recital (I know I am a bad mom for cursing it, but so be it). Tomorrow is Keith's birthday, 14!!! So crazy. I basically feel like I am the same person now as I was at 14, I wonder if he will be. It was really hard to grasp for a while, 14 is also when my mom had me go live w Nan so she could grow pot in my bed room. I look at Keith and see he's not done, he's not ready, he's not raised, there is so much love to share and work to do and it made me incredibly sad that some one could do that to me. It was already way f'd up by then, but this is something tangible for me to have in perspective. I feel good I've already beat the standard, but it's tough to figure it out. I think about all I've read about forgiveness, but I haven't been able to actually do it. I can't forgive my mom. I work on forgiving myself and the x but there's a lot of walls around it. Also when the whole mom memories etc were around I was eating like a jerk, getting it a little under control now, but so tired of that up and down. Maybe I can't do it alone, I am not sure what to do next. Some how a really restrictive plan sounds like agood solution, which is strange. Like liquid or food provided diet...IDK. Thats under consideration in January, not making a decision now.

What else? No progress on sex. some progress on fun and stuff, been out and about more. Generally feeling OK, but somehow still the same. Is this is it? That's OK. I've had some really calm drives to work, mind not spining, not wanting, just chill. It's hard to express the half optimism half acceptance state. It's all good.

So tired now! it's only 8. No patience for little miss last 2 nights. Keith's gearing up to be a bit spoiled about his B day...we'll see how that goees tomorrow.