From the plane the other day

I wrote this on the flight home the other day. Feel better at home now, but have back ache that is going to take some work, and just blah. No more trainer, costs too much, talked to Stevie Nicks and that helped. Tomorrow is Tets party, I just am not feeling it. I hope it comes together well. Things always turn out the way they are supposed to.

I am trying to find a place to write out some stuff while I have a bit of wine in me and a bit of time to do it on the plane.
Word would seem to work, but everyone can read it easily and that's a little awkward.

I hope I get home OK tonight. I know I'll miss my connection so I hope there's another flight with room.

I am in a fog. For what seems like months. It used to be I could ask myself what I wanted and I could hear it. Now it's like the
answer is close and then just goes away as soon as I think it's about to be known. I feel like I can't get to the heart of the funk.
It's just me at the heart of it.

I feel at a loss when it comes to work. WTF can I do to make myself feel like it's worth it? I probably can't. In this state, however,
how am I supposed to find another job?

How can I get some peace back in the average day?

I feel passionate about nothing. I feel crazy about the kids when I am at home,but as usual I feel little when I am on the
road which is troubling as i am currently on the road. Not that I don't care or want to be there, but years of compartmental
izing for survival have made it so. and so it is.

I feel completely foggy about me. How sad to say that. Where am I? I was told today I have lost some of my charm, and who
am I to argue...I agree at this moment.

I can't figure out how to do what I know how to do. How do I get my fitness back under control? How do I get my head in a
place where I can potentially good company for any other humans?

I feel like I just want someone to hear it all and truly feel sorry for me, love me anyway, but someone who just gets it.
This is not a romantic request. I would be truly gratefull for anyone to help me out in that role.

I have this party to throw for Tets on Sat. Last year it was an amazing fun time and I can find motiviation to make it so this year
It will be fine I know that, I'll be a busy hostess which is a woderfull distraction. but the spirit is so dim.

How did I get here? How did I fall to a place of rest and complacancy? Where is my spirit and will it return?

I feel no ill will towards this state, i accept it completely, but am getting worried. Will I come back to who I am? Who I want to be?
Where's my fight face?

I feel like I went to Ireland and rested, I fell down a rabbit hole, and I am less than I want to be now. I am less of the
essence I was starting to love. Now everything is in question. I am I a cirucs freak fat woman who needs to accept
solitude? am I irrelevant? Is there spring and reinvention around the corner? a tiny tiny small part of me says YES! but
is that the memory of the old me or the reality of potential?

It's like I'm an adolecent all over again. Survival distracted me from all of this in the past. When I read this it's not innacurate, it's
slightly embarassing, but otherwise it is.

Rut+Funk=runk?

In a bit of rut or funk, feel like I might be coming out of it, but maybe just up for air. Read x's emails today and he says shitty stuff about me to his mom. Which I get that he is allowed to do but it hurts me in some way. He has some idea that I have done something terrible to him, I think he is referring to cheating, and that is not incorrect, but really I just didn't want to live with that asshole anymore and that is as much his fault as mine. Obviously from my seat more his than mine. He referred to me as their mother, which is so nice as I am also their sole provider and caregiver and parent and gauradian and custodian and maid and chauffer and source of income. But oh never mind that, I just pushed them out.

Wow that felt good to put down. I should do this more often! finally went to the gym this AM. Hopefully I can get that back on track.

I am weighing a job offer, going out of town for a few days w Tets (alone of course-Marie and Chris cancelled) and will give it lots of thought and get my resume together.

work is still all the things it was last time, I am just a bit more used to it. So I guess that is that, I am tired. Didn't sleep well and went to gym and time change is making me very sleepy.

No more interent dating sites! All done! Yay! We'll see if I ever meet anyone ever again, but for now glad to not be submitting myself to torture any longer. Need to get going on the bike group or drinking liberally but also need to be home for a bit, travel has been eating up some weekends or potentially kid free days.

Here I am

I am back from the Gym, trainer had a sit down with me this AM to address basically my lack of weight loss. I've been going there about 3 months. It's funny how that makes me feel...defensive and in a way prequalifying future behavior that would prevent weight loss. I am working on getting my head around accepting the help and making this happen. I want it to, I just don't want to do the work, and I don't really know why. It's almost like I don't want to put away the laundry so here it sits. I know in the long run I'd be so much more confident and would be so much more ready to make a good choice in a partner, etc. It makes me kind of sad to say that-like that's not important enough to cut back on food. It's not really about being better looking so more people will like me it's about not selling my self short on any basis.

Saw Stevie Nicks yesterday for the first time in a long time...talked about x and his 24 yr old gf...who is closer to keith's age than his. Whatevs. I am bitter he won for the short term, but I would never consider a 24 yr old, or anything less than what I am.

Work is bananas-not in the fun song kind of way-but in the crazy fucking in believable upside down world way. I need to spend some time on my resume and see if I have to suck it up here or can make the same elsewhere.

Dood-also pretty broke right now. Spending less (excepton gym) and need to get a new washer and drier etc...commissions way down because economy sucks. Perfect storm.

My spelling is terrible

I probably spelled something in that sentence incorrectly. I am sitting at home with Bella, Keith's at a friends. All is well. Still eating like an idiot, but for Fucks Sake it's Feb. I can rebound. So tomorrow back to work and back to bringing my lunch etc. The tough part is I pretty much do want to eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of wine every night. My life style is slowly inching towards it. Didn't do the bike ride this weekend. Thought it was going to rain, so called it off. Glad I did because I just needed to be home, but it was a perfect day, so a bit of a loss. Feel bad for Tets especially because he bought a bike! And then I canceled! I suck!

Nan was at Sarah's this weekend so all me and all kids all 4 days, which is pretty chill actually. Not a lot of issues. X keeps calling, he's in Italy for a convention and doesn't want to stay until his return date. I called and tried to make flight changes for him, but not allowed, he did the same, not allowed. Not sure you can go wrong with a few days in Italy, but whatever.

I have this Wisonsin Vacation still planned. Should've tried to get out of it just because of the money. Betting Marie and BF will flake, may just be me and Chris which might be lovely...but might be cabin fever...In that case not sure, take a kid? Take Sarah?

Eating behavior is really bad, obviously emotional, obviously not controlling it, so just hoping I can get back on track tomorrow. Want to go to the gym but not sure about the work craziness.

So no men, pretty OK with it, seems like I just struggled for a year to surrender to what I didn't want. I knew that was the case, but felt like I could push it somewhere else. I didn't and now I'm over it. Work is still a buch of bullshit, just bad. Rich keeps sending me job postings...so I'm going to look into them.

I'm still here,

I am just sitting in the Admirals Club at LHR returning from Ireland. The vacation was good, a bit surprisingly. I guess you can't go wrong with it really, but I was a bit worried about hanging out with Jen and JP the whole time, we did fine. Going home has me feeling the road trip malaise, I guess it's bound to happen. I don't want to go back to work, it so incredibly fucked, just the feeling, not the actual work, but the new boss is such a dick. It just never stops. I just realized how much anxiety it's creating in my life. It makes everything feel shitty.

I am of course feeling a bit sad about my current status. It's been 6 months since scg, I still FB stalk him. No prospects in sight (except the 69 year old irish man who was very aggressive), no end in sight really. Ron gave me some good advice-don't go looking for it, let it come to you. Ihate what it does to my head the most, makes me feel fat, all kids of bad stuff which may or may not be true, but is always brought on by this state and just kind of circles the drain from their. Work, fat, alone...I hate giving in to it, but it just clouds up my head.

I am very happy to be going home. Can't wait to see the kids, of course got some shitty txt from x about some confrontation he had w keith. I think I am going to easy on Keith and it's making him cocky. We'll see what his account is. I need to find a way to motivate him more.

After all that time w no posts, that is that I guess. Busy week ahead, 1 night in las vegas, bike ride, shitty work vibe. I'm just going to fake that and see if it helps.

Blogging Slacker

Work is out of control crazy. The new boss is putting me through some hazing. So far I am surviving but lots of scrapes and bruises. Not coming out on top at this point. It's funny how survival mode is where I feel comfortable, but this has NG written all over it. Not much choice but to suck it up and do what I can, and so I am.

The aforementioned bike guy never called, I flaked on Boston guy w wife at home, went out with a Kevin Smith look a like for a beer last night. I shut down Match for now. It's just so easy come easy go, I do the same thing to other people, and it's just not bringing me any joy. I have a lot going on right now, work, bike thing is coming up fast and also going to Ireland for 10 days at the end of the month. Crazy happy accident. Hopefully it will turn out happily, we'll see.

Not sure what else, working out, counting calories, lost 2 lbs last week, so will keep going on this road for a bit.

Thursday night

I'm at home with Keith tonight, he's sick so just little miss went to x's. I'll kinds of stupid BS with him...but he doesn't live here anymore so it's not that big of a deal. Match guy called on Monday and said he was really sick, talked about dinner tonight, but no call, so that's done. It all seems like such a waste of time, and I don't want to get all negative crazy but I am the common denominator, WTF? Boston guy stays in touch but lives in Pasadena and wife hasn't moved out...WTF. Oh yeah scg emailed me yesterday...sent me a pic of some big bruise on his leg. I replied that I hoped the bike was OK and he thanked me for repying. Whatever. Is any of this ever going to change? It's been about the same for a year. I guess it's my bad for doing the samething over and over. IDK.

What Next?

I wanted the new year to feel a bit different, but it doesn't yet. I guess there's time. Monday could possibly be the worst day ever at work. New boss hasn't approved my expense reports on stuff acquired in Nov yet and wants to discuss them with me tomorrow. Not good. Also I know for sure my numbers wont add up. Not good.

I went to lunch on Sat with the Match guy...cyclist/boob man and it was really good, I thought, best option so far, but he hasn't called yet :(. Had talked about dinner tomorrow and not sure what to do, Boston is asking about tomorrow too...not going to call but I just can't get used to the little pangs of rejection and uncertainty. It matters less but still happens.

I'm a slacker

It's been a while since my last confession. Trying to remember the sucky nature of previous posts and avoid. Work is crazy upside down world, very stressful actually running the numbers of getting fired, could totally happen. With the economy the way it is it could totally suck for a while, but at least I know I'd survive, not easily financially, but would not actually die or be on the street.

Some match action happening. A date last week with a my type (dorky white guy) that looked a little too much like Andy (in the best possible way), boston transplant with a wife at home. Sound familiar? Whatever, I might go out with him again for sex basically. There is one other prospect that is growing on me, but so far no firm plans to meet....he's 40, tall, cyclist, boob man...dangerously close to booty calling it, but trying to behave myself.

Bike bike bike...I love my bike. a few long rides in this week. One with Tets and Dan...I forgt how much I like that, Tets is test driving bikes.

Not much else, Chrismas was lovely..my mom is picking at scabs which could be bad, but I can handle that too.

Keith's a good boy, little miss is a lot of fun.

I know

I was re reading the old posts and it is so repetitive. It's OK, but dood! WTF is going on with me is right....so I will try and move the rock up the hill one more time ;-) All of this makes me wonder if my internal voice is really that negative? That would also suck...so here we go on all the news with a postitive spin.

I was reading x's myspace and email...not sure how to spin that positively. It seems he has a 24 yr old gf who seems to have a son maybe 3 or 4. I only saw dirty pix between them, no date talk or anything. I am kind of happy for him, because that's a stabalizer and could improve his quality of life and therefore the kids... It always makes me feel a little wierd that someone can love him, and I'm alone, but I don't really feel jealous, just like it wasn't supposed to happen like this.

I am at work waiting for Tamales then going to the grocery store, home, then dr, then dinner w Tets and Takemura and Ethan....Let's see what elese can I take on with a new attitude?
Working out, went to the gym this am with the trainer, didn't go to spin today, could have, but thought I would have gone to get the groceries by now, but the tamales are holding me up. Thought about the food thing a lot, going to see a nutritionist at the begining of next month and maybe that will be a good re start.

Work is back to the feeling of uncertainty. It got a little better, but there is too little communication from the top down. Hopefully I can chill over the next few days. I have to cook tomorrow and finish wrapping gifts! I'll cash in my christmas miracle on getting that all done.

Let's see...dating. I have an interesting prospect from Match, a boston transplant of only 8 months, he sounds cute on the phone, and is funny, giving me a run for it. There's another one who is putting me through the worlds longest interview process, I should have dropped it, but might be interesting to see where it goes. Kinda flirty with a guy at the gym this AM, or I could've been totally wrong and he was smiling cause my stretch marks where showing or he can tell I am trying really hard not to fart ;-) We'll see if I can weazle some sessions at the same date time.

So in addition to reading x's personal correspondence I regularly check scg's facebook. No comments once he commented on a video of Bella I posted, and I replied with a thanks. It's wierd I used to look at the pics and think he was SCG and now I just feel...a little mad, a little dissapointed in him as a person, not towards me but in terms of human potential he is lacking in an important area. IDK-- I care so much less than before, but part of me wants to win, not for any particular reason, except that winning is winning.

Umm OK that's all. The good news is, I am not mad or making the food thing a negative reinforcement party. I have been excercising regularly. I am out and about with little drama or serious effort. So more positive posts to follow....oh yeah..I am kind of wishing I had an audience. It would keep it from being so boring!!

It's been a while

I am not sure why I haven't posted, and right now might not be the best time. I have a crazy headache from Bella's dance recital (I know I am a bad mom for cursing it, but so be it). Tomorrow is Keith's birthday, 14!!! So crazy. I basically feel like I am the same person now as I was at 14, I wonder if he will be. It was really hard to grasp for a while, 14 is also when my mom had me go live w Nan so she could grow pot in my bed room. I look at Keith and see he's not done, he's not ready, he's not raised, there is so much love to share and work to do and it made me incredibly sad that some one could do that to me. It was already way f'd up by then, but this is something tangible for me to have in perspective. I feel good I've already beat the standard, but it's tough to figure it out. I think about all I've read about forgiveness, but I haven't been able to actually do it. I can't forgive my mom. I work on forgiving myself and the x but there's a lot of walls around it. Also when the whole mom memories etc were around I was eating like a jerk, getting it a little under control now, but so tired of that up and down. Maybe I can't do it alone, I am not sure what to do next. Some how a really restrictive plan sounds like agood solution, which is strange. Like liquid or food provided diet...IDK. Thats under consideration in January, not making a decision now.

What else? No progress on sex. some progress on fun and stuff, been out and about more. Generally feeling OK, but somehow still the same. Is this is it? That's OK. I've had some really calm drives to work, mind not spining, not wanting, just chill. It's hard to express the half optimism half acceptance state. It's all good.

So tired now! it's only 8. No patience for little miss last 2 nights. Keith's gearing up to be a bit spoiled about his B day...we'll see how that goees tomorrow.

Still Here

Which is exactly where I've been for a long time. Thursday night home alone, went to gym, picked up take out, parked it on the couch. Part of me doesn't give a fuck, here I am, it's comfy, I'm tired, I'll go to bed early and sleep well. Part of me really wants to have sex in the near future and has zero prospects. What to do about that?

That's really the bottom line for me right now, I hardly even entertain the notion of finding someone mentally compatible, or lifestyle compatible, and interesting, and attractive. I'll just take the sex for now, fuck it. I'll work on it, but for Goodness Sake....can't this get resolved?

Kinda standing still

I am still all the things I was the other day. But I am also all the things I was before that. I guess this is the real thing. Watching some stupid movie, husband died, friends, new men blah blah blah. I feel sad I don't feel that way about anyone. I feel sad that someone never felt that for me, but only used me as a reflection of him. I feel sad that I still stay home on saturday nights and and drink alone. I love sleeping in my bed alone but honestly can't remember even a little what it's like to not be alone, to have someone touch me affectionately (besides a child). I feel like I am a better woman, person, parent than I was last year at this time. I feel like it's still crazy and not how I thought it would be, but I don't know now. Here I am....same place. I guess that has to be OK, that is the craziest part, why can't I make progress here, because I am not supposed to. I guess that's the lesson. I have to let go of this and just let it happen. I'm afraid if I am not actively pursuing something I won't ever have it. I am not sure that will ever happen to me. So that's it, Saturday night.

Today is good

Today is all about today and it's all good. I don't really give a fuck if I am where I was in Feb. I guess that's where i am supposed to be. I am thinking about forgiveness and it's necessity in every moment unceasingly and so I will forgive myself unceasingly. Went to gym this am...was good...went to movies with keith...was good...rained too much yesterday to ride my bike today, hopefully tomorrow it's on!

I think sometimes I think my optimism is naive or misguided or fake but just for right now it's not. I want to be lots of things better than I am now, but I am also pretty awesome as is. So I am embracing the optimism, the knowledge that I can and will, and it's out there. Sometimes I can't but for today I can and that is something to smile about and something to pray to replicate. I may not have all that I want, but I can work for anything, I can have what I've got and love it. I can be where I am and smile. Today is good.

Tomorrow I need strength and patience. Dinner with Mom and X-double trouble-also scg's bday...I am thinking no nothing on that, no FB, no email...I will have strength and patience and if I struggle that's OK too, I will forgive myself and others unceasingly tomorrow.

Keith went to mongolian bbq and loved it. He's such a good boy!!! Can't wait to eat there w him...so delicious.

Weird Day

Today is odd. Got some yucky stuff done at work, just stuff I've been procrastinating on, for no good reason of course. No one's really here, all my peeps are on Vacation. Chilling in the office and Ev comes in and says she needs my help. She's drunk! No shame in drunk at work (ok a little, but who am I to judge). But she's supposed to be off the wagon, like the real deal off. So I took her to Starbucks, listened, tried, way above my pay scale or area of expertise. Ended up spilling my guts to her about EZ...just in the regard of we're all f'd up, people do things they regret, that have bad consequences etc etc etc. I offered to go to a meeting w her tonight but she said she's going to go work out. Dude, I did my best. I hope I didn't hurt anything.

What else...Keith is being a total spoiled shit about walking home from school F that guy. Saying the worst things about Bella and to me. Not going to stand for it.

Wasted most of the day away, not much to show for it or say. Oh yeah, I did work out this AM so that's good....tomorrow spin, maybe trainer again. Wednesday I am hoping it doesnt rain so I can ride my bike all day but we'll see.

I don't know.

Today and last night I am not so good. I knew I'd get frustrated after all the solo kid time, and so I am. Frustrated about a lot of things. Not sure why things are the way they are. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was last Feb. January was a lot of activity...x out of the house, training, early Feb was good too, sex we strangers, bike ride. And here I am. I really feel like crying. I am happier now, I try to think about the way it would be if x was still here, it would be so bad, so frustrating, so full of self abuse. What did I really think it was going to be like? I wish Stevie Nicks would have told me that I had to do it, but it was going to be really hard, harder than I thought for as long as I can imagine. That's what it seems like. I guess it's OK. I wish I could make a plan and work the plan to make things different. I feel like I've been trying to do that but with no clear course and no results. I am trying to be open to optimism where I can find it. I went to breakfast with Evelyn yesterday and was telling her that I am working out twice a day a few days a week, her comment was nice and optimistic, "When else will you have the opportunity to to that? It's a special time" I think that's true. I also have to get eating under control for some more results. I'm trying to think of other things I've accomplished...I am not so dependent on Tets, that's good. I've been full court press on Keith and it's working, that's good. IDK....I need something else, then the Buddhist in me says the lesson is not to need but to have what I have fully. I just don't know.

Not Sure

I am not sure what happened to the post I just wrote, but it's gone. I am going to Lucida Williams tonight with Marie. I hope it's fun. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't really pay attention to me or get some of the stuff I am saying. She has a different filter. But then sometimes it's awesome like in Vegas. Nan is out of town so LeAnn is watching Bella and Keith is probably roaming the streets, according to him of course he'll be well supervised at so and so's house. His grades are good now and we are talking and spending lots of time together so I am not so worried.

Did I mention the guy who read the blog from the singapore office found me on facebook? Funny emails, he's going to Tokyo (married w kids btw).

I went to spin yesterday and it was awesome. Meleah was in a frustrated mood to so she made it all get sweated out.

About a week ago I emailed scg, I knew I would even though I didn't want to. He replied yesterday and the reply was fair to good. It made a lot of the frustration come back. It made me sad. I'm glad there's no bad blood but I have to be careful.I re friended him on facebook. I don't want to get all sucked back in. Dennis and I got in a huge fight about it. I am just about done.I am not sure how I got him in the divorce but he is so incredibly insensitve and when his needs are being met it gets worse. It's hard to discuss with him because it just sounds like sour grapes and maybe it is. How'd he get a girlfriend? He's a dick. I guess lots of girls like dicks (I mean assholes).

I went on a date the other night with someone from Match...he showed up, that was good. He was nice. He's a bit older which alone is not an issue, he wore too much cologne, which alone is not an issue, he likes jimmy buffett which alone is not an issue. I guess you see where I'm going with this. All summed up it's a bit of an issue. I'm not sure how to go about meeting someone else. I have to try the bike rides...I'll have to ask Nan to help me out a few Saturday mornings. I know she'll say yes, which is why I don't even like to ask. That's it.

I have been going to the gym like crazy and also eating like an idiot, which is a negative combination. I honestly don't feel full/satisfied (I realize they are 2 different things) and so I over eat. I was really trying to focus on why, emotionally there is always a connection weather I want their to be or not, but didn't really connect to anything. So I went to the gym this AM and was with the trainer who is very corrective of form and it makes me frustrated. I am trying always, I am putting so much time into it, I like praise not criticism (imagine that). And it hit me that I am generally frustrated. Things did not turn out the way I wanted them to with scg, with working out non stop, with work at the present moment, with my launch into the new life. It's all a little frustrating and all of it is happening now. So that is probably why I am eating too much....food isn't frustrating. It's good and feels good until you figure out the math on the working out vs calories in. Then there is one more point of frustration. I think it's good to connect it, I've never really been able to stop or correct the behavior, but we'll see it's all new, lots of new chances.

Some stuff

Has happened since the last post, so that's good. Still looking to bury the details of that BS. Went out with a meet up group of girls on Sat. night...drinks/appetizers and more drinks at a 2nd location. Very NB, and seems unlikely that I'll meet the right guy for me in a bar, but totally could've been so much worse. Girls were nice, easy to talk to, I'd do it again, not as a every week, but once a month for sure.

Still working out like crazy, but not loosing weight, eating randomly, but weighing myself today kinda set me straight. Need to buy lots of fruits and veggies and stick to bringing my lunch.


I guess I thought there was more to say. Some interesting facebook stuff...Old friends with nice things to say. The random coworker who read the blog...always makes me blush thinking of that. I'm trying to call Chris once a week or so....just to stay in touch, alway a laugh, always super sweet.

Date tonight with Match guy. Either you never know, or you can never have enough rejection in your life. Whatever.

There was some other stuff with X and Keith, but it's more of the same. Sad. Makes me focused on staying connected to Keith, spending time with him. He and I went to dinner alone last night, Target, School, this morning too. It was nice. He's a good boy, good heart. Grades are mixed but comming up. Hopefully I can pull of getting this kid into college. That's what it's all about.

hey

Not a lot going on. Still not going to read the old posts. I'm trying to wait up for good TV to start at 9, so wasting time on facebook etc. I have a hard time understanding how I dont get a call or a message or how I am possibly (uncertain) deleted from chat (not that I didn't do the same things) but what did I do wrong? I understand if he's not ready for anything, I get that he's not the right person for me. 100% get that, but still is hard to resolve the other stuff. What did I do? I was me...I was open...I was kind...I didn't drive it alone. So I have to figure out what's what on that...what I can learn, what I can improve, and what I just have to accept. Lots of gym...twice today, Monday AM, Tuesday, tomorrow afternoon. All good stuff. We're about to start training for the Feb Century, I can't believe a year ago we started training for the other one. I really hope there are marked improvements in my times and general feeling. Tets needs a bike!!! Trying some meet up groups to make new female friends so we'll see how that goes, supposed to go to drinks on Sat. Seems a little desperate housewives, but I gotta get out and give it a shot.