Not Sure

I am not sure what happened to the post I just wrote, but it's gone. I am going to Lucida Williams tonight with Marie. I hope it's fun. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't really pay attention to me or get some of the stuff I am saying. She has a different filter. But then sometimes it's awesome like in Vegas. Nan is out of town so LeAnn is watching Bella and Keith is probably roaming the streets, according to him of course he'll be well supervised at so and so's house. His grades are good now and we are talking and spending lots of time together so I am not so worried.

Did I mention the guy who read the blog from the singapore office found me on facebook? Funny emails, he's going to Tokyo (married w kids btw).

I went to spin yesterday and it was awesome. Meleah was in a frustrated mood to so she made it all get sweated out.

About a week ago I emailed scg, I knew I would even though I didn't want to. He replied yesterday and the reply was fair to good. It made a lot of the frustration come back. It made me sad. I'm glad there's no bad blood but I have to be careful.I re friended him on facebook. I don't want to get all sucked back in. Dennis and I got in a huge fight about it. I am just about done.I am not sure how I got him in the divorce but he is so incredibly insensitve and when his needs are being met it gets worse. It's hard to discuss with him because it just sounds like sour grapes and maybe it is. How'd he get a girlfriend? He's a dick. I guess lots of girls like dicks (I mean assholes).

I went on a date the other night with someone from Match...he showed up, that was good. He was nice. He's a bit older which alone is not an issue, he wore too much cologne, which alone is not an issue, he likes jimmy buffett which alone is not an issue. I guess you see where I'm going with this. All summed up it's a bit of an issue. I'm not sure how to go about meeting someone else. I have to try the bike rides...I'll have to ask Nan to help me out a few Saturday mornings. I know she'll say yes, which is why I don't even like to ask. That's it.

I have been going to the gym like crazy and also eating like an idiot, which is a negative combination. I honestly don't feel full/satisfied (I realize they are 2 different things) and so I over eat. I was really trying to focus on why, emotionally there is always a connection weather I want their to be or not, but didn't really connect to anything. So I went to the gym this AM and was with the trainer who is very corrective of form and it makes me frustrated. I am trying always, I am putting so much time into it, I like praise not criticism (imagine that). And it hit me that I am generally frustrated. Things did not turn out the way I wanted them to with scg, with working out non stop, with work at the present moment, with my launch into the new life. It's all a little frustrating and all of it is happening now. So that is probably why I am eating too much....food isn't frustrating. It's good and feels good until you figure out the math on the working out vs calories in. Then there is one more point of frustration. I think it's good to connect it, I've never really been able to stop or correct the behavior, but we'll see it's all new, lots of new chances.

Some stuff

Has happened since the last post, so that's good. Still looking to bury the details of that BS. Went out with a meet up group of girls on Sat. night...drinks/appetizers and more drinks at a 2nd location. Very NB, and seems unlikely that I'll meet the right guy for me in a bar, but totally could've been so much worse. Girls were nice, easy to talk to, I'd do it again, not as a every week, but once a month for sure.

Still working out like crazy, but not loosing weight, eating randomly, but weighing myself today kinda set me straight. Need to buy lots of fruits and veggies and stick to bringing my lunch.


I guess I thought there was more to say. Some interesting facebook stuff...Old friends with nice things to say. The random coworker who read the blog...always makes me blush thinking of that. I'm trying to call Chris once a week or so....just to stay in touch, alway a laugh, always super sweet.

Date tonight with Match guy. Either you never know, or you can never have enough rejection in your life. Whatever.

There was some other stuff with X and Keith, but it's more of the same. Sad. Makes me focused on staying connected to Keith, spending time with him. He and I went to dinner alone last night, Target, School, this morning too. It was nice. He's a good boy, good heart. Grades are mixed but comming up. Hopefully I can pull of getting this kid into college. That's what it's all about.

hey

Not a lot going on. Still not going to read the old posts. I'm trying to wait up for good TV to start at 9, so wasting time on facebook etc. I have a hard time understanding how I dont get a call or a message or how I am possibly (uncertain) deleted from chat (not that I didn't do the same things) but what did I do wrong? I understand if he's not ready for anything, I get that he's not the right person for me. 100% get that, but still is hard to resolve the other stuff. What did I do? I was me...I was open...I was kind...I didn't drive it alone. So I have to figure out what's what on that...what I can learn, what I can improve, and what I just have to accept. Lots of gym...twice today, Monday AM, Tuesday, tomorrow afternoon. All good stuff. We're about to start training for the Feb Century, I can't believe a year ago we started training for the other one. I really hope there are marked improvements in my times and general feeling. Tets needs a bike!!! Trying some meet up groups to make new female friends so we'll see how that goes, supposed to go to drinks on Sat. Seems a little desperate housewives, but I gotta get out and give it a shot.

Just Because

I think I am posting just because I don't want to see the last few when I log in. Went to dinner with Tets at Shabu and waited a long time, but totally worth it. Nice to be somewhere comfortable with someone comfortable. Didn't talk about any of the other stuff, so that's good. Trying to really fake it then make it, fake letting joy in, fake optimisim, so I can remember what it feels like in the event of something worthy taking place.

Keith and Bella with their dad. Keith txting immediately about his dad taking bella's side. Hard stuff. Tomorrow early Gym, then work, back at it. I can see that I am not making a plan, working a plan to distract me from what's really happening. I think that's good.

WCS Hangover

It still stings, no call, no show, no email, no sms. I sent him one that said...I guess you decided not to come I wish you and kate all the best. No reply. I want to write a strongly worded letter. I want to lash out. I am not sure I have experienced intentional negligence and hurt like this. The idiots from the internet but there was no investment. I feel crazy like I imagined it or made it up and then I feel so misled because I didn't. It's easy enough to fuck and run, either one of could've done that, but he didn't. He said a lot of things about being in the middle of the divorce, being concerned with the distance, basically not ready, can't do it. But also siad he was and wanted to, I'm not sure what vibe I give off, Committment? In a way that's not bad, I don't want to really fuck around or be in something that is without potential...but on the other hand there seems to be miles to go before that. It's not easy to be avaialble and optimistic and willing and to have that treated unkindly seems so incongruous with a guy who's a good dad and by many accounts a great guy (not mine). I want to write a strongly worded email to that effect, but what's the point? Aplogies and any additional communication just masks the reality of it. I am still struggling with why I did that more than once. Also I hadn't met anyone with similar interests who showed interest in me and had mutual attraction. I met him 4 months ago, and in that 4 months no additional prospects...now what? back to internet? Just being lonely? lots of sunday nights at the movies alone? That makes me really really really sad. So I am going home....warm bed, kids, and radio silence.

ummm ya...WCS PII

Didn't show. I just really feel sad, I want someone to feel this with me, it's so fucked. I don't know if it's better or worse that Ethans here. With Tets I'd unload every detail, which is not so good, but with ethan I dont. I hate that he would talk to me on the phone for 2 hrs last night, I hate that he didn't call just no show. I hate that this is not the first time and I didn't protect myself from it. I guess thats the bottom line. I feel like life is getting lonlier and it should go the other way. WTF am I going to talk to ethan about through another meal alone? so f'd