I know

I was re reading the old posts and it is so repetitive. It's OK, but dood! WTF is going on with me is right....so I will try and move the rock up the hill one more time ;-) All of this makes me wonder if my internal voice is really that negative? That would also suck...so here we go on all the news with a postitive spin.

I was reading x's myspace and email...not sure how to spin that positively. It seems he has a 24 yr old gf who seems to have a son maybe 3 or 4. I only saw dirty pix between them, no date talk or anything. I am kind of happy for him, because that's a stabalizer and could improve his quality of life and therefore the kids... It always makes me feel a little wierd that someone can love him, and I'm alone, but I don't really feel jealous, just like it wasn't supposed to happen like this.

I am at work waiting for Tamales then going to the grocery store, home, then dr, then dinner w Tets and Takemura and Ethan....Let's see what elese can I take on with a new attitude?
Working out, went to the gym this am with the trainer, didn't go to spin today, could have, but thought I would have gone to get the groceries by now, but the tamales are holding me up. Thought about the food thing a lot, going to see a nutritionist at the begining of next month and maybe that will be a good re start.

Work is back to the feeling of uncertainty. It got a little better, but there is too little communication from the top down. Hopefully I can chill over the next few days. I have to cook tomorrow and finish wrapping gifts! I'll cash in my christmas miracle on getting that all done.

Let's see...dating. I have an interesting prospect from Match, a boston transplant of only 8 months, he sounds cute on the phone, and is funny, giving me a run for it. There's another one who is putting me through the worlds longest interview process, I should have dropped it, but might be interesting to see where it goes. Kinda flirty with a guy at the gym this AM, or I could've been totally wrong and he was smiling cause my stretch marks where showing or he can tell I am trying really hard not to fart ;-) We'll see if I can weazle some sessions at the same date time.

So in addition to reading x's personal correspondence I regularly check scg's facebook. No comments once he commented on a video of Bella I posted, and I replied with a thanks. It's wierd I used to look at the pics and think he was SCG and now I just feel...a little mad, a little dissapointed in him as a person, not towards me but in terms of human potential he is lacking in an important area. IDK-- I care so much less than before, but part of me wants to win, not for any particular reason, except that winning is winning.

Umm OK that's all. The good news is, I am not mad or making the food thing a negative reinforcement party. I have been excercising regularly. I am out and about with little drama or serious effort. So more positive posts to follow....oh yeah..I am kind of wishing I had an audience. It would keep it from being so boring!!

It's been a while

I am not sure why I haven't posted, and right now might not be the best time. I have a crazy headache from Bella's dance recital (I know I am a bad mom for cursing it, but so be it). Tomorrow is Keith's birthday, 14!!! So crazy. I basically feel like I am the same person now as I was at 14, I wonder if he will be. It was really hard to grasp for a while, 14 is also when my mom had me go live w Nan so she could grow pot in my bed room. I look at Keith and see he's not done, he's not ready, he's not raised, there is so much love to share and work to do and it made me incredibly sad that some one could do that to me. It was already way f'd up by then, but this is something tangible for me to have in perspective. I feel good I've already beat the standard, but it's tough to figure it out. I think about all I've read about forgiveness, but I haven't been able to actually do it. I can't forgive my mom. I work on forgiving myself and the x but there's a lot of walls around it. Also when the whole mom memories etc were around I was eating like a jerk, getting it a little under control now, but so tired of that up and down. Maybe I can't do it alone, I am not sure what to do next. Some how a really restrictive plan sounds like agood solution, which is strange. Like liquid or food provided diet...IDK. Thats under consideration in January, not making a decision now.

What else? No progress on sex. some progress on fun and stuff, been out and about more. Generally feeling OK, but somehow still the same. Is this is it? That's OK. I've had some really calm drives to work, mind not spining, not wanting, just chill. It's hard to express the half optimism half acceptance state. It's all good.

So tired now! it's only 8. No patience for little miss last 2 nights. Keith's gearing up to be a bit spoiled about his B day...we'll see how that goees tomorrow.

Still Here

Which is exactly where I've been for a long time. Thursday night home alone, went to gym, picked up take out, parked it on the couch. Part of me doesn't give a fuck, here I am, it's comfy, I'm tired, I'll go to bed early and sleep well. Part of me really wants to have sex in the near future and has zero prospects. What to do about that?

That's really the bottom line for me right now, I hardly even entertain the notion of finding someone mentally compatible, or lifestyle compatible, and interesting, and attractive. I'll just take the sex for now, fuck it. I'll work on it, but for Goodness Sake....can't this get resolved?

Kinda standing still

I am still all the things I was the other day. But I am also all the things I was before that. I guess this is the real thing. Watching some stupid movie, husband died, friends, new men blah blah blah. I feel sad I don't feel that way about anyone. I feel sad that someone never felt that for me, but only used me as a reflection of him. I feel sad that I still stay home on saturday nights and and drink alone. I love sleeping in my bed alone but honestly can't remember even a little what it's like to not be alone, to have someone touch me affectionately (besides a child). I feel like I am a better woman, person, parent than I was last year at this time. I feel like it's still crazy and not how I thought it would be, but I don't know now. Here I am....same place. I guess that has to be OK, that is the craziest part, why can't I make progress here, because I am not supposed to. I guess that's the lesson. I have to let go of this and just let it happen. I'm afraid if I am not actively pursuing something I won't ever have it. I am not sure that will ever happen to me. So that's it, Saturday night.

Today is good

Today is all about today and it's all good. I don't really give a fuck if I am where I was in Feb. I guess that's where i am supposed to be. I am thinking about forgiveness and it's necessity in every moment unceasingly and so I will forgive myself unceasingly. Went to gym this am...was good...went to movies with keith...was good...rained too much yesterday to ride my bike today, hopefully tomorrow it's on!

I think sometimes I think my optimism is naive or misguided or fake but just for right now it's not. I want to be lots of things better than I am now, but I am also pretty awesome as is. So I am embracing the optimism, the knowledge that I can and will, and it's out there. Sometimes I can't but for today I can and that is something to smile about and something to pray to replicate. I may not have all that I want, but I can work for anything, I can have what I've got and love it. I can be where I am and smile. Today is good.

Tomorrow I need strength and patience. Dinner with Mom and X-double trouble-also scg's bday...I am thinking no nothing on that, no FB, no email...I will have strength and patience and if I struggle that's OK too, I will forgive myself and others unceasingly tomorrow.

Keith went to mongolian bbq and loved it. He's such a good boy!!! Can't wait to eat there w him...so delicious.

Weird Day

Today is odd. Got some yucky stuff done at work, just stuff I've been procrastinating on, for no good reason of course. No one's really here, all my peeps are on Vacation. Chilling in the office and Ev comes in and says she needs my help. She's drunk! No shame in drunk at work (ok a little, but who am I to judge). But she's supposed to be off the wagon, like the real deal off. So I took her to Starbucks, listened, tried, way above my pay scale or area of expertise. Ended up spilling my guts to her about EZ...just in the regard of we're all f'd up, people do things they regret, that have bad consequences etc etc etc. I offered to go to a meeting w her tonight but she said she's going to go work out. Dude, I did my best. I hope I didn't hurt anything.

What else...Keith is being a total spoiled shit about walking home from school F that guy. Saying the worst things about Bella and to me. Not going to stand for it.

Wasted most of the day away, not much to show for it or say. Oh yeah, I did work out this AM so that's good....tomorrow spin, maybe trainer again. Wednesday I am hoping it doesnt rain so I can ride my bike all day but we'll see.

I don't know.

Today and last night I am not so good. I knew I'd get frustrated after all the solo kid time, and so I am. Frustrated about a lot of things. Not sure why things are the way they are. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was last Feb. January was a lot of activity...x out of the house, training, early Feb was good too, sex we strangers, bike ride. And here I am. I really feel like crying. I am happier now, I try to think about the way it would be if x was still here, it would be so bad, so frustrating, so full of self abuse. What did I really think it was going to be like? I wish Stevie Nicks would have told me that I had to do it, but it was going to be really hard, harder than I thought for as long as I can imagine. That's what it seems like. I guess it's OK. I wish I could make a plan and work the plan to make things different. I feel like I've been trying to do that but with no clear course and no results. I am trying to be open to optimism where I can find it. I went to breakfast with Evelyn yesterday and was telling her that I am working out twice a day a few days a week, her comment was nice and optimistic, "When else will you have the opportunity to to that? It's a special time" I think that's true. I also have to get eating under control for some more results. I'm trying to think of other things I've accomplished...I am not so dependent on Tets, that's good. I've been full court press on Keith and it's working, that's good. IDK....I need something else, then the Buddhist in me says the lesson is not to need but to have what I have fully. I just don't know.