From the plane the other day

I wrote this on the flight home the other day. Feel better at home now, but have back ache that is going to take some work, and just blah. No more trainer, costs too much, talked to Stevie Nicks and that helped. Tomorrow is Tets party, I just am not feeling it. I hope it comes together well. Things always turn out the way they are supposed to.

I am trying to find a place to write out some stuff while I have a bit of wine in me and a bit of time to do it on the plane.
Word would seem to work, but everyone can read it easily and that's a little awkward.

I hope I get home OK tonight. I know I'll miss my connection so I hope there's another flight with room.

I am in a fog. For what seems like months. It used to be I could ask myself what I wanted and I could hear it. Now it's like the
answer is close and then just goes away as soon as I think it's about to be known. I feel like I can't get to the heart of the funk.
It's just me at the heart of it.

I feel at a loss when it comes to work. WTF can I do to make myself feel like it's worth it? I probably can't. In this state, however,
how am I supposed to find another job?

How can I get some peace back in the average day?

I feel passionate about nothing. I feel crazy about the kids when I am at home,but as usual I feel little when I am on the
road which is troubling as i am currently on the road. Not that I don't care or want to be there, but years of compartmental
izing for survival have made it so. and so it is.

I feel completely foggy about me. How sad to say that. Where am I? I was told today I have lost some of my charm, and who
am I to argue...I agree at this moment.

I can't figure out how to do what I know how to do. How do I get my fitness back under control? How do I get my head in a
place where I can potentially good company for any other humans?

I feel like I just want someone to hear it all and truly feel sorry for me, love me anyway, but someone who just gets it.
This is not a romantic request. I would be truly gratefull for anyone to help me out in that role.

I have this party to throw for Tets on Sat. Last year it was an amazing fun time and I can find motiviation to make it so this year
It will be fine I know that, I'll be a busy hostess which is a woderfull distraction. but the spirit is so dim.

How did I get here? How did I fall to a place of rest and complacancy? Where is my spirit and will it return?

I feel no ill will towards this state, i accept it completely, but am getting worried. Will I come back to who I am? Who I want to be?
Where's my fight face?

I feel like I went to Ireland and rested, I fell down a rabbit hole, and I am less than I want to be now. I am less of the
essence I was starting to love. Now everything is in question. I am I a cirucs freak fat woman who needs to accept
solitude? am I irrelevant? Is there spring and reinvention around the corner? a tiny tiny small part of me says YES! but
is that the memory of the old me or the reality of potential?

It's like I'm an adolecent all over again. Survival distracted me from all of this in the past. When I read this it's not innacurate, it's
slightly embarassing, but otherwise it is.

Rut+Funk=runk?

In a bit of rut or funk, feel like I might be coming out of it, but maybe just up for air. Read x's emails today and he says shitty stuff about me to his mom. Which I get that he is allowed to do but it hurts me in some way. He has some idea that I have done something terrible to him, I think he is referring to cheating, and that is not incorrect, but really I just didn't want to live with that asshole anymore and that is as much his fault as mine. Obviously from my seat more his than mine. He referred to me as their mother, which is so nice as I am also their sole provider and caregiver and parent and gauradian and custodian and maid and chauffer and source of income. But oh never mind that, I just pushed them out.

Wow that felt good to put down. I should do this more often! finally went to the gym this AM. Hopefully I can get that back on track.

I am weighing a job offer, going out of town for a few days w Tets (alone of course-Marie and Chris cancelled) and will give it lots of thought and get my resume together.

work is still all the things it was last time, I am just a bit more used to it. So I guess that is that, I am tired. Didn't sleep well and went to gym and time change is making me very sleepy.

No more interent dating sites! All done! Yay! We'll see if I ever meet anyone ever again, but for now glad to not be submitting myself to torture any longer. Need to get going on the bike group or drinking liberally but also need to be home for a bit, travel has been eating up some weekends or potentially kid free days.

Here I am

I am back from the Gym, trainer had a sit down with me this AM to address basically my lack of weight loss. I've been going there about 3 months. It's funny how that makes me feel...defensive and in a way prequalifying future behavior that would prevent weight loss. I am working on getting my head around accepting the help and making this happen. I want it to, I just don't want to do the work, and I don't really know why. It's almost like I don't want to put away the laundry so here it sits. I know in the long run I'd be so much more confident and would be so much more ready to make a good choice in a partner, etc. It makes me kind of sad to say that-like that's not important enough to cut back on food. It's not really about being better looking so more people will like me it's about not selling my self short on any basis.

Saw Stevie Nicks yesterday for the first time in a long time...talked about x and his 24 yr old gf...who is closer to keith's age than his. Whatevs. I am bitter he won for the short term, but I would never consider a 24 yr old, or anything less than what I am.

Work is bananas-not in the fun song kind of way-but in the crazy fucking in believable upside down world way. I need to spend some time on my resume and see if I have to suck it up here or can make the same elsewhere.

Dood-also pretty broke right now. Spending less (excepton gym) and need to get a new washer and drier etc...commissions way down because economy sucks. Perfect storm.

My spelling is terrible

I probably spelled something in that sentence incorrectly. I am sitting at home with Bella, Keith's at a friends. All is well. Still eating like an idiot, but for Fucks Sake it's Feb. I can rebound. So tomorrow back to work and back to bringing my lunch etc. The tough part is I pretty much do want to eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of wine every night. My life style is slowly inching towards it. Didn't do the bike ride this weekend. Thought it was going to rain, so called it off. Glad I did because I just needed to be home, but it was a perfect day, so a bit of a loss. Feel bad for Tets especially because he bought a bike! And then I canceled! I suck!

Nan was at Sarah's this weekend so all me and all kids all 4 days, which is pretty chill actually. Not a lot of issues. X keeps calling, he's in Italy for a convention and doesn't want to stay until his return date. I called and tried to make flight changes for him, but not allowed, he did the same, not allowed. Not sure you can go wrong with a few days in Italy, but whatever.

I have this Wisonsin Vacation still planned. Should've tried to get out of it just because of the money. Betting Marie and BF will flake, may just be me and Chris which might be lovely...but might be cabin fever...In that case not sure, take a kid? Take Sarah?

Eating behavior is really bad, obviously emotional, obviously not controlling it, so just hoping I can get back on track tomorrow. Want to go to the gym but not sure about the work craziness.

So no men, pretty OK with it, seems like I just struggled for a year to surrender to what I didn't want. I knew that was the case, but felt like I could push it somewhere else. I didn't and now I'm over it. Work is still a buch of bullshit, just bad. Rich keeps sending me job postings...so I'm going to look into them.

I'm still here,

I am just sitting in the Admirals Club at LHR returning from Ireland. The vacation was good, a bit surprisingly. I guess you can't go wrong with it really, but I was a bit worried about hanging out with Jen and JP the whole time, we did fine. Going home has me feeling the road trip malaise, I guess it's bound to happen. I don't want to go back to work, it so incredibly fucked, just the feeling, not the actual work, but the new boss is such a dick. It just never stops. I just realized how much anxiety it's creating in my life. It makes everything feel shitty.

I am of course feeling a bit sad about my current status. It's been 6 months since scg, I still FB stalk him. No prospects in sight (except the 69 year old irish man who was very aggressive), no end in sight really. Ron gave me some good advice-don't go looking for it, let it come to you. Ihate what it does to my head the most, makes me feel fat, all kids of bad stuff which may or may not be true, but is always brought on by this state and just kind of circles the drain from their. Work, fat, alone...I hate giving in to it, but it just clouds up my head.

I am very happy to be going home. Can't wait to see the kids, of course got some shitty txt from x about some confrontation he had w keith. I think I am going to easy on Keith and it's making him cocky. We'll see what his account is. I need to find a way to motivate him more.

After all that time w no posts, that is that I guess. Busy week ahead, 1 night in las vegas, bike ride, shitty work vibe. I'm just going to fake that and see if it helps.

Blogging Slacker

Work is out of control crazy. The new boss is putting me through some hazing. So far I am surviving but lots of scrapes and bruises. Not coming out on top at this point. It's funny how survival mode is where I feel comfortable, but this has NG written all over it. Not much choice but to suck it up and do what I can, and so I am.

The aforementioned bike guy never called, I flaked on Boston guy w wife at home, went out with a Kevin Smith look a like for a beer last night. I shut down Match for now. It's just so easy come easy go, I do the same thing to other people, and it's just not bringing me any joy. I have a lot going on right now, work, bike thing is coming up fast and also going to Ireland for 10 days at the end of the month. Crazy happy accident. Hopefully it will turn out happily, we'll see.

Not sure what else, working out, counting calories, lost 2 lbs last week, so will keep going on this road for a bit.

Thursday night

I'm at home with Keith tonight, he's sick so just little miss went to x's. I'll kinds of stupid BS with him...but he doesn't live here anymore so it's not that big of a deal. Match guy called on Monday and said he was really sick, talked about dinner tonight, but no call, so that's done. It all seems like such a waste of time, and I don't want to get all negative crazy but I am the common denominator, WTF? Boston guy stays in touch but lives in Pasadena and wife hasn't moved out...WTF. Oh yeah scg emailed me yesterday...sent me a pic of some big bruise on his leg. I replied that I hoped the bike was OK and he thanked me for repying. Whatever. Is any of this ever going to change? It's been about the same for a year. I guess it's my bad for doing the samething over and over. IDK.