Thursday night

I'm at home with Keith tonight, he's sick so just little miss went to x's. I'll kinds of stupid BS with him...but he doesn't live here anymore so it's not that big of a deal. Match guy called on Monday and said he was really sick, talked about dinner tonight, but no call, so that's done. It all seems like such a waste of time, and I don't want to get all negative crazy but I am the common denominator, WTF? Boston guy stays in touch but lives in Pasadena and wife hasn't moved out...WTF. Oh yeah scg emailed me yesterday...sent me a pic of some big bruise on his leg. I replied that I hoped the bike was OK and he thanked me for repying. Whatever. Is any of this ever going to change? It's been about the same for a year. I guess it's my bad for doing the samething over and over. IDK.

What Next?

I wanted the new year to feel a bit different, but it doesn't yet. I guess there's time. Monday could possibly be the worst day ever at work. New boss hasn't approved my expense reports on stuff acquired in Nov yet and wants to discuss them with me tomorrow. Not good. Also I know for sure my numbers wont add up. Not good.

I went to lunch on Sat with the Match guy...cyclist/boob man and it was really good, I thought, best option so far, but he hasn't called yet :(. Had talked about dinner tomorrow and not sure what to do, Boston is asking about tomorrow too...not going to call but I just can't get used to the little pangs of rejection and uncertainty. It matters less but still happens.

I'm a slacker

It's been a while since my last confession. Trying to remember the sucky nature of previous posts and avoid. Work is crazy upside down world, very stressful actually running the numbers of getting fired, could totally happen. With the economy the way it is it could totally suck for a while, but at least I know I'd survive, not easily financially, but would not actually die or be on the street.

Some match action happening. A date last week with a my type (dorky white guy) that looked a little too much like Andy (in the best possible way), boston transplant with a wife at home. Sound familiar? Whatever, I might go out with him again for sex basically. There is one other prospect that is growing on me, but so far no firm plans to meet....he's 40, tall, cyclist, boob man...dangerously close to booty calling it, but trying to behave myself.

Bike bike bike...I love my bike. a few long rides in this week. One with Tets and Dan...I forgt how much I like that, Tets is test driving bikes.

Not much else, Chrismas was lovely..my mom is picking at scabs which could be bad, but I can handle that too.

Keith's a good boy, little miss is a lot of fun.

I know

I was re reading the old posts and it is so repetitive. It's OK, but dood! WTF is going on with me is right....so I will try and move the rock up the hill one more time ;-) All of this makes me wonder if my internal voice is really that negative? That would also suck...so here we go on all the news with a postitive spin.

I was reading x's myspace and email...not sure how to spin that positively. It seems he has a 24 yr old gf who seems to have a son maybe 3 or 4. I only saw dirty pix between them, no date talk or anything. I am kind of happy for him, because that's a stabalizer and could improve his quality of life and therefore the kids... It always makes me feel a little wierd that someone can love him, and I'm alone, but I don't really feel jealous, just like it wasn't supposed to happen like this.

I am at work waiting for Tamales then going to the grocery store, home, then dr, then dinner w Tets and Takemura and Ethan....Let's see what elese can I take on with a new attitude?
Working out, went to the gym this am with the trainer, didn't go to spin today, could have, but thought I would have gone to get the groceries by now, but the tamales are holding me up. Thought about the food thing a lot, going to see a nutritionist at the begining of next month and maybe that will be a good re start.

Work is back to the feeling of uncertainty. It got a little better, but there is too little communication from the top down. Hopefully I can chill over the next few days. I have to cook tomorrow and finish wrapping gifts! I'll cash in my christmas miracle on getting that all done.

Let's see...dating. I have an interesting prospect from Match, a boston transplant of only 8 months, he sounds cute on the phone, and is funny, giving me a run for it. There's another one who is putting me through the worlds longest interview process, I should have dropped it, but might be interesting to see where it goes. Kinda flirty with a guy at the gym this AM, or I could've been totally wrong and he was smiling cause my stretch marks where showing or he can tell I am trying really hard not to fart ;-) We'll see if I can weazle some sessions at the same date time.

So in addition to reading x's personal correspondence I regularly check scg's facebook. No comments once he commented on a video of Bella I posted, and I replied with a thanks. It's wierd I used to look at the pics and think he was SCG and now I just feel...a little mad, a little dissapointed in him as a person, not towards me but in terms of human potential he is lacking in an important area. IDK-- I care so much less than before, but part of me wants to win, not for any particular reason, except that winning is winning.

Umm OK that's all. The good news is, I am not mad or making the food thing a negative reinforcement party. I have been excercising regularly. I am out and about with little drama or serious effort. So more positive posts to follow....oh yeah..I am kind of wishing I had an audience. It would keep it from being so boring!!

It's been a while

I am not sure why I haven't posted, and right now might not be the best time. I have a crazy headache from Bella's dance recital (I know I am a bad mom for cursing it, but so be it). Tomorrow is Keith's birthday, 14!!! So crazy. I basically feel like I am the same person now as I was at 14, I wonder if he will be. It was really hard to grasp for a while, 14 is also when my mom had me go live w Nan so she could grow pot in my bed room. I look at Keith and see he's not done, he's not ready, he's not raised, there is so much love to share and work to do and it made me incredibly sad that some one could do that to me. It was already way f'd up by then, but this is something tangible for me to have in perspective. I feel good I've already beat the standard, but it's tough to figure it out. I think about all I've read about forgiveness, but I haven't been able to actually do it. I can't forgive my mom. I work on forgiving myself and the x but there's a lot of walls around it. Also when the whole mom memories etc were around I was eating like a jerk, getting it a little under control now, but so tired of that up and down. Maybe I can't do it alone, I am not sure what to do next. Some how a really restrictive plan sounds like agood solution, which is strange. Like liquid or food provided diet...IDK. Thats under consideration in January, not making a decision now.

What else? No progress on sex. some progress on fun and stuff, been out and about more. Generally feeling OK, but somehow still the same. Is this is it? That's OK. I've had some really calm drives to work, mind not spining, not wanting, just chill. It's hard to express the half optimism half acceptance state. It's all good.

So tired now! it's only 8. No patience for little miss last 2 nights. Keith's gearing up to be a bit spoiled about his B day...we'll see how that goees tomorrow.

Still Here

Which is exactly where I've been for a long time. Thursday night home alone, went to gym, picked up take out, parked it on the couch. Part of me doesn't give a fuck, here I am, it's comfy, I'm tired, I'll go to bed early and sleep well. Part of me really wants to have sex in the near future and has zero prospects. What to do about that?

That's really the bottom line for me right now, I hardly even entertain the notion of finding someone mentally compatible, or lifestyle compatible, and interesting, and attractive. I'll just take the sex for now, fuck it. I'll work on it, but for Goodness Sake....can't this get resolved?

Kinda standing still

I am still all the things I was the other day. But I am also all the things I was before that. I guess this is the real thing. Watching some stupid movie, husband died, friends, new men blah blah blah. I feel sad I don't feel that way about anyone. I feel sad that someone never felt that for me, but only used me as a reflection of him. I feel sad that I still stay home on saturday nights and and drink alone. I love sleeping in my bed alone but honestly can't remember even a little what it's like to not be alone, to have someone touch me affectionately (besides a child). I feel like I am a better woman, person, parent than I was last year at this time. I feel like it's still crazy and not how I thought it would be, but I don't know now. Here I am....same place. I guess that has to be OK, that is the craziest part, why can't I make progress here, because I am not supposed to. I guess that's the lesson. I have to let go of this and just let it happen. I'm afraid if I am not actively pursuing something I won't ever have it. I am not sure that will ever happen to me. So that's it, Saturday night.